Stuart Fails to Save the Universe

Bert.

Got anything new?

Funny every time.

I think I'm ready to pull the trigger on Batman 608.

Excellent choice.

What's the trade?

What would you say to a can of Lima beans?

Oh, geez, Bert, come on! This is near mint.

I could probably get a couple Dinty Moore Beef Stews for this.

Plus

cream corn.

- Meh. Okay.

I was saving it for my birthday, but I guess I'll throw it in.

Fancy Feast.

What flavor?

- Salmon. - Sold.

- Yay! Um, are you crazy?

Hawkeye doesn't deserve to be an Avenger.

Yeah... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You do not want to go there.

You got a guy with a bow and arrow,

and he's supposed to be on the same team

as a guy with an arc reactor iron suit

and the literal God of Thunder?

What sense does that even make?

I don't know, I mean... (GRUNTS) does this make sense?

I just mopped! We talked about this, Kyle!

That's strike three!

I'm sorry, okay? Uh, but you heard him.

Sorry. He started it.

Unbelievable.

- Give me a hand. Oh, yeah.

You know, I feel the same way about Green Arrow.

Yeah, we all do but you don't have to kill people.

Bye!

You ever wonder where this thing goes?

Nope.

- Probably smart. Stuart.

We gotta talk.

Shit just got weird.

Do you have an identical twin brother?

- Okay, I have two questions. - Just two?

I've only got a few seconds to explain this,

so you gotta focus.

- Who are you? - First question.

I'm you from another stream of reality.

Well, that answers that. Second question...

Listen to me.

This apocalyptic nightmare that you are living in,

it can be avoided, it never has to happen.

Okay, now I have, like, six questions.

- He can't be me. - He looks like you.

Senior prom, Emily Manhart, peach schnapps.

She was ready to go. You puked in her lap.

Sounds like you.

At least I went to my senior prom.

I couldn't go. I had mono.

Please, I don't have a lot of time.

Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz.

- Remember them? - Yeah, real nerds.

Pot-kettle.

- Sure. - Fair enough.

Anyway, they invented some kind of quantum entanglement thing,

and you were there when it malfunctioned.

Both of us or just him?

- Doesn't matter! - It matters to me.

The point is, it altered reality.

None of this is supposed to be.

And by none of this, you mean...?

None of it!

The violence, the devastation, the dimensional rifts!

- Dimensional rifts! - Now we know.

None of this is normal.

- Certainly not that! - The big moth?

Yes! Yes! The big moth!

If you turn the lights off, they don't bother you.

You can put everything right. You can make it the way it was.

- You just have to find the... - Hang on.

If you're me from another reality,

how can you be in this one?

I don't know. I'm not a quantum physicist.

I went to the Rhode Island School of Design.

- I didn't know that. - Oh, yeah, I have a BFA.

Really? How come you never did anything with it?

What am I gonna do, teach high school kids

- how to draw fruit? - (SIGHS) Guys, please!

The machine is still at Caltech. Here's what you have to do.

Hang on, let me write this down.

"Cal..."

Oh, shoot!

- What is shaking it gonna do? - Stop talking and listen.

You know, I might have a Sharpie, excuse me.

When you get to the machine

- Damn it! - W... What's happening?

I don't know!

I'm going through some kind of wormhole!

The important thing is...

And... And when you find him...

and that will fix everything.

You get any of that?

- (WANDERER GRUNTS) - (TEETH CRUNCH)

Nice catch, Steve!

How is it out there?

It's a little nippy. Wear layers.

- (DOOR RATTLES) - (KEYS JANGLING)

Shall we?

Mm, I don't know. I'm having second thoughts.

What are you talking about? We've been given a quest.

Yeah, but, uh, do we believe that guy?

That guy was you.

That's my point.

When did we start listening to me?

Maybe we have a chance to fix the world.

I don't know, I think it's important to ask the question.

Is this reality that bad?

I think there's room for improvement.

What are you doing?

What's it look like? I'm trying to get us to Caltech.

With a Thomas Guide?

I would've used the GPS on my iPhone,

but civilization seemed to have collapsed.

- (RAT SQUEALS, CHOMPS) Ow!

Check it out.

- Juggling two... (YELPS) - (RAT CHOMPS)

Juggling two starving feral creatures,

as, uh, you can see, is not difficult, but

(GROANS)

juggling three is... (GRUNTS) profoundly stupid. Ow!

I saw them in Vegas.

- Such a fun night. - Oh.

You know who I loved in Vegas and I didn't think I would?

- Huh? - Celine Dion.

Mm. Oh, I'm sorry.

- (RATS SQUEALING) - (PENN GRUNTS, GROANS)

Oh, all right.

- (RAT CHOMPS) - (GROANS) Yeah.

Thank you!

- We are Penn and Teller... - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

and we'll be here until we're dead!

- (RATS SQUEALING) - (PENN GRUNTS)

- Moth. - (CROWD GASPING)

Oh, my God, look. Floss.

Just hurry. It's getting dark.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Excuse me, uh, how much for a foot of floss?

- Mint or regular? - Uh, let me get the regular.

Oh.

Thank you. Oh, yeah, look at that.

Can't put a price on healthy gums.

Oh! Oh, this feels so good.

Go easy. We're sharing that.

Not a good sound.

Stuart?

Denise?

I thought you were dead.

- I thought you were dead! - Aw!

So, what have you been up to?

Robbing mostly.

Still working on my screenplay.

- Oh, good for you. - Yeah. How have you been?

- Okay. Still got the store. - Oh, that's great.

What's going on?

Don't worry, Gary. I know these guys.

So, we're not robbing, we're not killing?

What are we doing?

You remember I mentioned Stuart?

Oh, sure. How's it going? Gary.

Hi.

So, are you two...?