Shanghai Noon

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All Hail the Princess!

Father, this is my husband-to-be? He's a toad. I will not marry him.

If the Emperor likes him so much, let the Emperor marry him.

The princess nodded, and the frog said,

"That which you have promised, you must perform."

Very good. Keep reading.

"So the princess leaned in and kissed the frog,

" but as she did, he became a handsome prince,

"and they rode off to his kingdom,

where they lived happily ever after. "

Happily ever after.

There's no such thing as " happily ever after."

Not for a real princess.

The prince my father wants me to marry will always be a frog.

My offer still stands. I will help you get to America.

- America ? - That's very kind.

But we're running out of time.

I know of a ship bound for America, but we must leave tonight.

- Leave tonight ? - We must hurry, Princess.

Hurry, Princess.

Princess!

You dare to stop me? -Your servant dares not!

Two months from today, at 12 noon,

you must bring 100,000 pieces of gold

to the Mission in Carson City, Nevada,

or the Princess will die.

Long live the Emperor!

The Emperor has decreed

that his three bravest Imperial Guards

shall accompany the Royal Interpreter to America

to retrieve Princess Pei Pei

- Mung Goo Hi. -

-Zhou Hei. -

- Chow Lu. -

Step forward!

Hail the Emperor for his faith in us!

Chon Wang, what do you think you're doing?

It is my fault the Princess got away. And my duty to bing her back.

Out of the question. -Captain...

I am an old man and Wang is my only nephew.

Perhaps you would allow him to accompany me. He will carry the bags.

Very well. Perhaps the foreign devils will rid us of him.

Come with me and swear to this royal task!

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's it.

Okay. Great. Great. Okay.

Come here. Look at this. Spent a lot of time on this.

Now, pay attention, 'cause I don't want any mistakes.

Now, I've calculated the speed of the train and the speed of our horses.

We meet at this vector. The only variable is the wind.

- Technically, if you travel over here on the horses-- - Is this the train ?

All right. We're just gonna wing it... like we always do.

- - Ride down, jump on the train,

hoorah the money, head back to the cathouse, all right ?

- Mm-hmm. - Let's go. Come on. Move out. Go !

You okay ? Nervous ? It's all right to be nervous when you're new.

You'll be okay. I'll keep an eye on you.

All you gotta do is follow my lead. All right, look alive, outlaws !

"So the princess leaned in and kissed the frog,

"but as she did, he became a handsome prince,

"and they rode off to his kingdom,

where they lived happily ever after. "

Reach for the sky, ladies and gentlemen !

Touch that gun and I'll blow your god damn head off!

What are you doin' ? I sorta like to be the only guy that talks, Wallace.

- All right. I'm sorry. - That's okay. That's okay. Good.

Don't worry. Come on, come on. Big 'Un, let's go.

Why is the new guy talking ? Where did you get this guy ?

You know I'm the only one who talks. Okay, everybody keep calm.

You think you're gonna shoot me ? Is that right ?

What you got right in here ? Yeah, you got this gun ?

You think you're gonna do something with that gun ?

Come on, Lady Bird. You got anything in here besides yarn ?

- You got it out for me ! - Hey !

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No.

Come here. Come here. We don't steal from women.

Get over here. Take that side.

Give me your hand. Give me your hand.

I'm so sorry about that. I apologize.

First time you've seen an outlaw ?

Scared ? Kind of excited too ?

All mixed up ? Yeah.

Last train we robbed, we were naked, it was so hot out.

Yeah, it was somethin'.

Yeah, it's got my initials right there.

- - What are you lookin' at ?

- -

Wait ! Stop ! Where did you get this guy ?

- Texas. - Texas ? Are you insane ?

Just shoot me now, 'cause I don't understand what we're doing here.

Sir, sir, sir, sir. Come here, come here, come here. Sit down.

- Excuse me. - Sir, sit down.

- What happened ? Wallace, what are you doing ? - I'm just wingin' it.

No ! That's not how we wing it !

No more winging it ! Stop ! Come on, Big 'Un.

- You've lost your "winging it" privileges. - Damn.

Damn !

Where is my Uncle?

Who killed my uncle ? Who did this ?

Give me the dynamite. Give me the dynamite.

No, no, no, no. You stay here. You don't get to come.

- Keep an eye on Wing Nut. - Hey, Blue, looky here !

Okay.

- Who killed my uncle ? - What the hell is this, the Orient Express ?

- Get him ! - Come here !

Wh-- Hey ! The safe's getting ready to blow !

Get ready to reap the fruits of our labor.

Move it! Let's go !

Roy, you just blew the shit out of our fruits.

Oh, shit.

We got a Chinaman to catch.

Stop ! Stop !

Stop ! Stop ! Turn around !

Turn around !

- - What the--

- Who are you ? - Hey, Roy !

Don't you worry about a thing ! I got you covered !

- - No !

- No ! -

Roll, baby, roll !

Reach for the sky, O'Bannon ! It's my gang now!

I don't understand.

You said your friend had a large estate.

He does.

- What exactly does he do ? - Well, you could say. ..

he's a philanthropist.

He helps Chinese immigrants get back on their feet.

Welcome to America, Princess.

Lo Fong.

Forgive me if I do not bow.

Calvin, this man is a trai--

Traitor.

Why ? Because he ran away from the Forbidden City ?

Your reward is on the table, Mr. Andrews.

Well, now you're gonna have to double it, or I'm gonna kill her.

One thing about the Chinese, Mr. Andrews --

Aah !

- We do not renegotiate. -

Whatever you think I'm going to do for you,

you're wrong.

It was just like a nightmare.

You wouldn't believe it if I told you.

My gang left me in the desert. I felt like all the other cowboys hated my guts.

Everyone was-- I just missed you. I missed all of you.

We missed you too, Roy.

I think it's medication time.

Come here, devil woman.

Oh. Mmm.

Oh ! Ooh, that's naughty.

Ohh. Ow, careful. Careful with that.

Ow, ow. Careful. Ow.

Ow. Aaaah !

Holy crap ! The vultures are eating my head!

Aaaah ! Aaaah !

Help ! Help ! My gang buried me !

They left me for dead!

Ooh ! Ooh.

Oh, thank heavens. I thought you were a mirage.

- Oh, come on. Water. - You.

- You killed my uncle ! - Bull !

That was Wallace all the way.

- He was one of your bandits. - He wasn't part of my gang.

He was a new guy. He's crazy as a road lizard.

- You deserve to die. - Hold on a second.

You know what no one's saying here ?

I had a chance to kill you on that train, and I chose not to.

'Cause I'm not a barbarian.

- Hey ! Where are you going ? - Carson City.

I'm closer to diggin' myself to China than you are to gettin' to Carson City.

- Hey ! - Which way ?

Hey, that's better. Dig me out and I'll show you.

- - Which way ?

You see the... mountains over there ?

Carson City is on the other side.

All right, dig me out. I kept my end of the bargain.

- Dig me out. -

Dig.

Hey ! Hey !

- Come on ! - Don't talk. Just dig.

Aargh !

Hey !

Haven't I told you not to play on Crow Land?

Sorry, Father.

He defeated six Crow... with his bare hands!

Why is he wearing a dress?

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Where is Carson City ?