All in the Family

* Boy, the way Glenn Miller played *

* Songs that made the hit parade *

* Guys like us we had it made *

* Those were the days *

* And you knew where you were then *

* Girls were girls and men were men *

* Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again *

* Didn't need no welfare state *

* Everybody pulled his weight *

* Gee, our old LaSalle ran great *

* Those were the days *

( whistling, tapping beat to Saber Dance by Khachaturian )

( whistling, tapping continues )

Do you have to whistle like that?

Don't you like music?

If that's music, a tea kettle is a pipe organ.

Besides, you're coolin' off my soup here.

Here we are, pork chops!

Oh, boy, that's my favorite.

Gloria, how come we never have pork chops at home?

Because they're two dollars a pound.

Ooh, I got these today at Klemmer's for 89 cents a pound.

No, Ma, I was at Klemmer's butcher shop this morning,

and they was two dollars a pound.

Oh, it was an afternoon special.

An afternoon special?

Yeah, he's always doing interesting things like that.

Last Wednesday, I was the 415th customer of the month.

Tell them, tell them.

And he gave me a special on sirloin steak,

a dollar a pound!

I don't see how he can afford to sell at those prices.

What's do, grow his own beef?

Maybe it's his way of advertising.

Oh, no, he told me not to say a word to nobody.

'Cause he don't want the people coming in just for the specials.

Why even think about it?

Butchers is like bus drivers and band leaders,

they're all looney.

I feel sorry for him.

He lost his wife last year and he misses her something terrible.

Oh, what'd she die of?

Well, she cut her finger while she was slicing baloney.

She was helping him in the store.

Ah, jeez.

And then it got infected.

Not the baloney--her finger.

And the story is-- We're off to the races.

Ma, these days people don't die from an infected finger.

No, she didn't.

We're at the post...

See, she was going to the drugstore for some iodine--

And we're in the startin' gate...

And this car hit her while she was crossing the street.

We're off and runnin'.

And that killed her?

Certainly not.

How would you know?

Because we ain't even reached the quarter pole yet.

Well, the car that hit her was an ambulance.

And we're in the clubhouse turn...

So they put her into it, then they rushed her to the hospital.

We're in the stretch...

And the next day, that's where she died.

Photo finish.

No...food poisoning.

See, Mr. Klemmer said it was the bad meat

they gave her to eat at the hospital.

Why zero in on the bad meat?

Anything they give you at the hospital is liable to kill you.

Or send you home looking like a tree.

He's such a nice man. Oh, we have so much fun talking things over.

Wait a minute, I forgot the rose!

I wonder Mr. Klemmer's doing all these things for Ma.

I told you before, he's looney.

I think you better face facts, Arch.

You're married to a very loveable woman.

Well, that loveable woman's

married to a very loveable guy.

Boy, are you smug.

I'm what?

Smug. You're smug.

No, that ain't me, little girl.

That's the Hungarian cheese your mother bought.

No, Daddy.

Don't you think it's possible that another man could find Ma attractive?

Well, anything is possible.

But I mean, for her going for another guy,

why should she go for beer when she's already got champagne?

You really are smug.

Hey, Edith, will you come get this cheese the hell out of here?

Open the window, little girl, it's starting to get to me.

Mrs. Bunker, what a nice surprise to see you here.

Oh, hello, Mr. Klemmer. I'm always here on Thursday.

Yes, I know.

You look just beautiful today,

like a prime rib roast.

I mean that as a compliment.

They're $2.39 a pound.

$2.39. Oh, my. Thank you very much.

But if you come in before 11:00 tomorrow, $1.30.

I'll be there.

Oh, allow me.

Oh, no, no! No, please! Please!

No, I take pleasure in doing it.

Oh, Mr. Klemmer.

You know,

you have a wonderful smile, Mrs. Bunker.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Klemmer.

My name is Albrecht.

Albreth?

Albrecht. But you can call me Al.

Oh. Al...

Excuse me.

You know, you remind me very much

of my darling Greta, may she rest in peace.

Very much like her.

Oh.

You know something, Mr. Klemmer?

Eh, eh!

Oh, Al.

You oughta find yourself another Greta.

Who would want to have a worn-out old buck like me?

Oh, there are lots of women who'd like to have a worn-out old buck like you.

Mrs. Bunker?

Edith.

Edit.

Edith.

Edit...th.

Are you telling me that I have a "chanth"?

Sure.

Of course.

When I was a little girl,

my mother always used to tell me that if you wish for something hard enough,

you're gonna get it.

Oh, and I'll never forget a doll that I wanted in a toy store.

Oh, it was a beautiful doll.

She had real hair and she wore pearls,

and she said "Mama" and she wet.

How I wished for that doll.

And you got it?

No.

The girl that lived next door to me got it.

I guess she wished harder than me.

Oh, I wish I could buy you that doll.

Oh.

It was the last one they had.

I can't get over how much you remind me of Greta.

Oh.

We had such wonderful times together.

We liked the same things...

Chinese food, Franklin Delano Roosevelt,

the Andrews Sisters.

I love the Andrews Sisters!

You do?

* Don't sit under the apple tree *

* With anyone else but me *

* Anyone else but me *

* Anyone else but me *

* Yeah, yeah, yeah! *

Oh, yes, you know, Greta, Greta and I,

we used to sing all these songs.

Greta played the piano, we sang--

Oh, Archie and me do that!

- You do? - Yeah!

I play and he sings. You oughta come over and join us sometime.

Oh, I would enjoy that.

Good. How about tonight?

- You mean that? - Yeah!

We'll sit around and have coffee and cake,

and then we'll sing old songs.

You mean, we'll sing like--

Yeah! How about 7:30?

You...you mean...

sing like we used to?

Mrs. Bunker...

Edith.

Edit...th.

You have no idea

how happy you have made me.

Here you go, honey.

Edith, I'm off and I'm in a hurry.

Where are you going?

I'm going down to the saloon, Edith.

That kid called in sick. Harry's alone.

Archie, Mr. Klemmer is coming over tonight!

Who?

Mr. Klemmer, the butcher.

Oh, the guy that all the dogs are always following?

Yeah. We were supposed to sit around

and then sing, and have an evening.

I told you about it.

Edith, you can't hold me to things like that.

You know I never listen to what you tell me.

Ooh, what am I gonna tell him?

Tell him not to grind so much fat in his hamburgers.

You gonna answer it? You wanna run upstairs and hide,

then I'll holler "Yoo-hoo, Edith, your date is here!"

Oh, Archie!

Coming!