Sirens

Lightning strike. 24. Two cars on site.

My mother, she was hit.

She was holding Mr. Johnson's hand

and leading him in a salvation prayer for his soul

when we heard this loud boom.

Voodoo and Stats, we got the mom.

Deuce and Mousse, take Mr. Johnson.

There are 25 million lightning strikes a year

in the United States,

400 of which include human contact,

only 10% of which incur fatality.

Is this true?

Ma'am, if it comes out of her mouth,

you can take it to the bank. Okay.

Get them on the stretchers and in the rigs, fast.

Hey, dress that burn, Brian.

Stats, A.E.D.

The sympathetic nervous system may respond

with massive vasoconstriction producing hypertension.

How you doing over there, Mousse?

Almost ready, Cash. Ow!

Hello! Sir, can you hear me?

This one's coming around. Let's get him in the rig.

Lack of an entry wound indicates side splash.

Good eyes, Stats.

Bounced right off the steeple and into them.

I'm gonna take a quick look. Flatline.

- - She's gone.

Okay, folks. Clear a path, please.

Sir, we're here to help you.

My gut says temporary hearing loss.

Should I be taking pictures?

No, you know how most people say they ain't in this job

for the blood and the guts?

Voodoo's in this job for the blood and the guts.

She takes pictures of weird shit.

You should see her severed limb series.

But don't do it after lunch.

My gold chain is missing. I had a gold chain.

Oh, man, I can't hear. I'm deaf.

I should have never let that bitch grab my hand.

It's a common side effect from lightning strikes, sir.

- What? - It'll pass, it's temporary.

Look on the bright side. At least you're alive.

I'm suing her, and I'm suing this goddamn church!

And I'm suing your monkey ass. I'm suing him and him.

Please calm down, sir. Please calm down.

You don't know who I am, do you?

I know who you are, baby. You a fat, ungrateful rim job.

- What? I can't hear you. - Uh-huh.

Why was Cash calling you guys Mousse and Deuce?

Oh, he's Mousse because Cash thinks

he uses too much Mousse in his hair.

It's a paste. It's a conditioning paste.

And I'm Deuce because I'm the second black guy

to work in his unit.

This damn gurney! This shit's too small, man.

- Suck on Satan's nut sack, sir. - What?

I can't hear you.

He said, felch a wet fart

from a red monkey's ass.

- You comfortable, king bitchtits? - Huh?

Your breath smells like ball sweat.

So Val's "Voodoo" because of the blood and guts.

Her name is Valentina Dunacci,

so there's a little wordplay to it.

And Stats has what, asperger's?

Oh, yeah.

O.C.D., G.D.D., G.A.D.S. All the "D" s.

She's a genius,

but just don't hand her an odd number of grapes.

That was a bad day.

I thought there were 12.

Should have never let that bitch touch my hand.

Would you like a hot cup of cum bubbles, Mr. Dildo?

Little cum bubble?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Okay.

Boy, I'd love to have a nickname.

Cash is in charge of all nicknames.

He's Cash, as in cash money?

Cash as in Cassius Clay O'Neal.

Yeah, when Cassius Clay

changed his name to Muhammad Ali,

Cash became Cassius Clay.

Why?

I asked him why once. You know what he said?

"Blow me, that's why."

This thing drives like a dump truck.

I'm suing your company too. Don't think you're safe.

Your monkey ass ain't safe.

Say something mean to him, Bri.

- I don't know. - Come on, man.

He's a loud, malodorous, twat waffle.

Attached to the anus of the earth.

Come on, he deaf as a doorjamb.

I can't. I can't. I can't.

Okay. Uh, hey.

I don't like your shoes.

Hey, these are Italian leather.

What your monkey ass know about shoes?

Oh, not the man's shoes.

I take it back. No, I like your shoes.

Brad Pitt wore these mothers

in ocean's eleven.

I just... I don't see why a sweet, charitable,

unselfish soul like that lady has to die,

while that jag bag,

- taint-licking... - Dick.

Dick that we have gets to live.

It really throws my faith in God for a loop.

'Cause you're looking at it the wrong way, son.

God delivered her into his kingdom

and left the other asshole trapped

in an earthly prison of vanity and greed.

If you were in heaven,

wouldn't you want to be surrounded by people you like?

- Yes. - And giant 3D plasma tvs.

God smites the good to fulfill their wishes

to be delivered unto him.

I'm totally down with being delivered unto him,

I just hope it happens

with a big old pair of titties in my face.

Boy, you better start banking some karma,

otherwise you're gonna be stuck

with the assholes for eternity.

Give unto others, that's the key.

- What do you do, Cassius? - Fresh air fund.

Every summer, I take a bunch of city kids

out to a camp on the lake.

Two weeks of pure heaven.

You're a camp counselor?

Hell, no. I go fishing.

Drop them kids off and spend two weeks alone.

Kids get fresh air. I get freshwater trout.

I do a lot of volunteer work.

Oh, that's very nice, Kevin.

My name's Brian.

You look like a Kevin.

Well, I would love to have a nickname,

then you could just call me by that.

Okay, your nickname is Kevin.

- You... - Look, kid.

You look like a Kevin.

I'm going to be calling you Kevin by mistake

- half the time... - Right.

So it makes more goddamn sense

to nickname you Kevin and call you goddamn Kevin.

Yeah, it's just that, you know,

my cousin's name's Kevin, so it could get

a little confusing, so maybe we should just...

Go get my sleeping mask out of my locker,

- top shelf, Kevin! - Okay.

I tell you suckers one thing I can personally guarantee.

You want some bad karma?

Try taking one of my Twixes.

Exactly 13 chilly ones left.

You got a charity, Voo?

I just try to send out a lot of positive vibes

into the world every single day.

I'm doing it right now.

Yes, you are.

Those are goggles, asshole.

When's the last time you saw somebody

taking a nap underwater, Dennis?

It's Kevin.

I don't believe in any of this karma,

positive energy bullshit.

- No? - No.

I'm old school, old testament old school.

Which means you believe in what?

Vengeance.

Pure, unadulterated, biblical vengeance.

An eye for an eye?

Eye for an eye's for pussies.

You take my eye, I'm taking both of yours.

- That's some hard-core shit. - It's common sense.

What do you do to give back?

I work with the blind.

How about you, Stats? You do any charity work?

Four, five, six, seven...

I work with special needs. Eight.

What do you two do to give back?

I'm helping to provide clean drinking water

to the impoverished people of mysore

in the Karnataka district of India.

Wow.

- That's a bunch of bullshit. - What?

He liked "The Bourne Supremacy" so much,

he went online after he watched it

and donated 20 bucks to Matt Damon's water website.

- You did? - Yeah.

I'm gonna.

It was two weeks before Christmas.

I was strapped for Cash.

Theresa's got, like, nine nieces and nephews.

Besides, what do you do to give back?

- Meals on wheels. - Don't say "meals on wheels."

His ex, Jeff the chef,

asked him to help out with meals on wheels,

do a little driving. Guess what, he was too busy.