United States of Tara

Moosh, what are you doing?

Making a video so when mom graduates,

she can remember her first day.

And so she began,

climbing the staircase of Academia.

Tara Gregson trembles

at the learned gates of Kansas State Overlan...

Hey! Starring Kate Gregson as Kate

and Billy Crystal as the edgy drifter

with a heart of gold and a pocketful of secrets.

Do you think the camera can't see

how much you hate yourself inside?

Ugh.

Hey, baby, your mom's running kind of late,

so, uh, she's a little nuts.

Make her a cup of coffee, would you?

Yeah, sure, but I have some heavy shit that I need to lay on you...

Book bag! Book bag!

Front door. I can't find my book bag!

Honey, front door, where you put it last night.

Any thoughts on this momentous day?

What? Are you... No. I don't know.

I got to go to the bathroom again.

Okay, I just want to say a few words.

It takes a lot of guts to figure out

what you want in life and go for it.

Hey, I'm running late.

I'm really proud of you, baby, so...

Wrap it up.

...Let's have a big hand for Overland Park's hottest co-ed!

Whoo! Huh? Come on. Give me a kiss.

Let me, uh...

Hey, Phil, what's all this shit with the Paladino property?

Hey, mama. So...I've been thinking a lot about my stuff lately,

and I have a pretty good picture of what it is I want.

Hey, honey, seriously, sweetheart...

I really want to hear this. I do. But, um...

You look really cute.

I look like a goon. Do I look like a goon?

No. You look fine. I'm gonna go change.

Can you just pop these in there?

Yes.

- Tara, it's 10 after 8:00. - Hey, Ted.

Marshall, I'm not a morning person.

Can we please not?

I was gonna... Do I look okay?

The fact that you showered at all

gives you unparalleled distinction.

I'm not fucking around. Get the camera out of my face.

Okay. Can't be late for school.

If I'm making a huge mistake, somebody has to tell me now.

Anybody? Anybody? Anybody? No?

No. Okay, here we go!

Whaa!

Aaah! Bye!

Bye! Bye! Bye!

Okay. 4:00. Bye.

Neil.

Neil!

Neil!!

I'm hungry.

I'm glad you're here.

Yeah, I'm glad I'm here, too.

Let me ask you a dumb question.

Why didn't this... Work out between us?

You know, you and me?

Neil, let's not...

Look, let... look... We obviously have chemistry,

or we wouldn't be sharing sweatpants.

So, I mean, what is it?

I mean, it... Am I just...

Am I not "the guy"?

You're not "the guy."

You're better than "the guy."

Later, I've got Art History in Granger Hall.

Then I have to get all the way across campus

for Media and Culture, but first, I've got Ab. Psych,

which I'm a little freaked out about,

'cause I got a weird vibe from that Dr. Hattaras.

Take it from me... if he was anybody worth fearing,

he wouldn't be teaching here.

Look out!

Whoa! Oh!

Working here is like getting invited to a big buffet

and being told I can do anything I want with the food,

as long as I don't put it in my mouth.

Mm-mm-mmm.

Mmm.

I guess I should get to Hattaras' class.

Do you want to walk me?

Tara, you're gonna be fine.

Good luck.

Jesus Christ!

Use your fucking head, you stupid hag!

All right.

Let's settle in and start with the discourse, people.

I'm Dr. Shoshana Schoenbaum.

Your beloved Dr. Hattaras is tending to a client in crisis,

so I have the honor.

And you have the privilege.

Trust me... You will be stimulated.

Okay.

You'd be good at it. Hey, what's the deal, Larry?

Huh? You want to take all my clients? Max...

You'll take everything I got? Settle down. Settle down.

I busted my ass to build up my base. Listen, just let me talk.

Some of these clients... 10, 15 years. Listen to me.

Let's... let's... for Christ's sake.

Now you want to steal my shit?

Let's talk about this in my office!

Fucking shitbird, Larry.

In my office.

It's this fucking economy, pal.

Nobody's safe. Everybody's hurting.

All right.

We've known each other a long time, Max.

We got a lot of friends in common.

I'm gonna be real honest with you, buddy.

We're not poaching anybody.

Your clients are coming to us.

Bullshit.

Yeah? Who you want to call? Hmm?

Van Vereen? Mike Paladino?

Look, they don't have a beef with what you do.

Let's face it... We're bigger. We're cheaper.

Give me a goddamn drink.

All right.

Look, I'm sorry. I...

No, no, no, no. Don't apologize.

I like your fight.

Wish my guys had your balls.

Look, I got to piss like a mule,

so I'm gonna cut to the quick here.

Come work with orgalawn.

Sell me your business.

I'll put some coin in your bank, make you a field manager...

Up your pay, good benefits, steady work.

Think about it, Max.

So there's the paradox, yeah?

If we enforce normality, we promote conventionality.

If we denigrate abnormality, we repress creativity.

And so we find ourselves collectively eschewing

that which differentiates ourselves.

Ourselves, yeah?

Go on.

I think one of us should take a seat.

Hang on! Wait!

You were gonna teach us all

how to collectively eschew ourselves.

All right, let's focus up here, okay?

Everybody, listen up.

Hey, get everyone's attention, please.

Hey, kids, hey. Eyes up here.

Hey, kids!!

Look, I'm gonna start, so listen or don't.

Okay?

Now, your first assignment...

You all are going to create a short film.

I'm going to split you up randomly into groups of four.

This isn't random.

He put all the gay kids in class in one group.

I'm not gay.

Kern is such an asshole.

He must think this is somehow progressive.

Maybe it just worked out this way.

Come on, Noah.

He's not seeing us as people.

He's just seeing us as three homosexuals.

Yeah. And a kid in a halo brace.

Thank you.

I'm not in this class to make gay movies.

I just want to make good movies.

Hey.

I am, uh, expecting something extra-special from this group...

Something deeper, more emotional,

maybe a little, uh, razzmatazz, eh?

And pathos.

Are we sure this is okay for you and the baby?

Yeah, the doctor said it was totally fine.

She told me I should just keep doing whatever I normally do.

Oh, God.

No, don't leave me.

I'm done.

I'm done.

I tried to go deeper into the pose.

I nearly shit out my own heart.

I can't stop. I got to do something.

I'm so fat...And gross.

I haven't showered in days.

Oh, come here. Come here.

No, no.

No. You are not fat and gross.

I am!

You are sexy and curvy. No.

And your ass looks like it should be airbrushed

onto the side of a van.

That's how hot you look, all right?

And, hey, you know, if you're fat and gross,

what does that make me?

Like this?