Couples Weekend

Oh, did you bring the turmeric?

Me?

It's just us in the car.

-Right... -Mm.

-I didn't--I didn't-- I didn't--I didn't bring it.

No, I thought-- I thought it would--

I thought it was on your list. I thought--

-Baby, you said you wanted to be more involved.

-And I do. -You do.

But you didn't bring the turmeric?

-I did not. -Okay, well,

then we're going to have to get a divorce.

That feels right.

-It's a shame. -Yeah.

-It's been fun. -It's been a great time.

You know, I would have rather gotten a divorce

over paprika or something spicy.

What time are they coming?

-Melanie said she's going to cook dinner.

Oh. She any good?

I don't really think so.

-Just pretend to like it. -No, what? Of course.

What? I would never just like...

-You look at your plate at dinner parties

sometimes like you've been poisoned.

No, that is only when I don't know what's happening.

-No, if I'm prepared going into it, then I can deliver.

Watch.

"Mm, oh my God, Melanie.

"This food is unreal.

"You know, I've read your cookbook six times.

Turmeric, what a stroke of genius."

- Be nice to her. - Of course I'll be nice.

Hey, Mitchey!

Hey, Josh.

-Oh, man. -Hey.

-Bring it in, brother. -Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Oh.

-Hey. You look great. -Huh.

-You got to put some chains on these tires

if you're going to be off-roading.

-Yeah, I don't think that's in the cards for the BMW.

You're so gorgeous.

-Ah, hey... -What's different?

Same old stuff.

No, it's something fun.

Did you see my doctor?

-No. -What is it?

Ah...abject depression?

I don't know. I'm really not sure.

-I got it. No, no, no. -You sure?

-Oh, yeah. -'Cause I can do it.

-Oh, my gosh! -Sweetie. He knows

-how to carry groceries. -You just keep it vertical.

-It's something he's done probably most of his life.

Really? Serious?

-Why do you look like you're dressed for a funeral?

- Why do you look like Winona Ryder

during her klepto phase?

- - Come here.

You're so funny.

-Can't you ever start with something nice,

-like, "Hey, -Oh.

Mitch, you look so well rested."

-You do. -You're my best friend.

-Let me get this. -"Have you been working out?"

I mean, I haven't, but you could lie.

You look great.

- Thank you. - I just don't understand

why you didn't change the outfit.

- Well, I didn't know we were vacationing

in Santa's workshop.

Right. My turn. Ready?

-A puppy. -

-Whoa. Oh, my goodness, babe. - Whoa, yes.

-You like it? -These are so hard to find.

-I know. - And very expensive.

I know.

-Thank you. -Of course.

Wow. Mm.

Okay, okay. Uh, my turn.

Oh, I hope you like it.

You're so hard to shop for.

Oh. Wow. It's--

-It's a shirt. -Wow.

Mmm!

-It's for going out. -Uh-huh.

-Remember you said you wanted to go out more

-so I-- -Uh-huh, yeah.

-Need something for that. -Great brand.

-Yeah. -Really great brand.

And color.

I love this.

- You do? -Yes, I love it.

-You'll wear it? -Yes.

-To the club? Yeah? -Uh-huh.

- -Cheers.

-Yes. -Mm-hm.

-Um, thank you all for being here for this

Christmas-New-Year-thingamajig weekend,

so that we don't have to spend time with our families...

Hallelujah.

-...where we will be relaxing... -Yes.

-...hiking in the wee hours of the morning.

-Not me. -Didn't you just say relaxing?

-...and we will be trying to generally forget

about politics, Texas, global warming,

and all the other things that ruin the possibility

-of a pleasant existence. -Mm-hm.

To old friends.

To his lucky break.

And to my lucky break.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

-Mm! -

- Six a.m., meet me out front.

If we don't get to the top .

What time you be back?

Um, hour or so.

Gotta make it to the top.

When you get back?

Ah, I don't know.

Like an hour and forty-five minutes round trip,

give or take five depending on the wind.

Sure you don't wanna come?

- Mm-mm. No. -Okay. Love you.

-Love you. - Bye.

Bye-bye.

Okay.

You're late.

-We both know that's impossible. Let's go.

I mean, you don't care if your mouth smells like it,

but your hand, that's where you cross the line?

-Yeah, then no one knows I smoke.

- Debs, everyone knows you smoke.

-Mine's gonna be better than yours.

Mitch! Stop it!

What?! That is so uncalled for.

-Remember when I showed up at a shoot

and you were like, "I know what I want to do.

I want to be an asshole."

I fell in my own pee!

-Can I ask you a personal question?

And I don't want you to get upset.

-Yes. -Do you need a pep talk?

No. Don't do it.

I am smart.

-I am going to let you read it when it exists.

-I am talented. - Ah.

-I have very interesting world views,

and the only thing holding me back

is my lower-than-average self-worth,

given my higher-than-average personal expectations.

Yeah, that is correct.

My friend Mitch

-loves me dearly... -Yes.

-...and will read any draft at any time.

Thank you and amen.

Amen.

- Can I ask you a question?

-Shoot. -Why didn't you wear

your new silk shirt?

-Jesus, who am I, David fucking Hasselhoff?

It was a very optimistic gift.

And Josh.

Josh calling me Mitchey.

-No! -No.

-I'm very sorry. -Because like only you

and my mom can call me that.

Do you, uh, know where you're going?

It's a shortcut.

Come on. Hurry.

-You know what's super interesting

about this path is it's not a path at all.

Oh, God.