Behind the Camera: The Unauthorized Story of 'Mork & Mindy'

Verily, my lady, though must know it,

the truth I have not stretcheth,

for your gaze have caused my pants to stretcheth.

Forsooth, I must leave to defend my honor.

And I'd rather be on her than off her.

How will I defend myself?

Oi. My tool has gone limp.

For which the time-tested Elizabethan cure is

a ten-minute intermission.

Okay, thank you. Thank you. All right.

Don't forget to toss your cookies, and remember,

loud clanking noises hurt my ears,

but the sound of green paper is very soothing.

Thank you. Thank you.

Say hello to Peter and Paul. Thank you, darling.

Thank you, Mr. Manson. Thank you.

Rich. Rich within my wildest dreams.

Hi, pookie.

Look, now we can buy that shoelace we've always dreamed of.

Let's go, Robbie. Come on.

Hey. Let me see your panhandling license.

Sgt. Pepper, I ain't been handling no pans.

You look good in blue. I like the star.

-Get moving. -Okay.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Potter!

Did you call that casting agent yet?

About the revival of "Laugh-In"? Please.

-Lucky I called for you. -(sighs)

If you really wanna be an actor,

you gotta try for things like that.

I can't leave San Francisco.

There are bums who haven't spit on me.

Women I've only slept with once.

-Thanks. -I think you're scared of success.

'Cause I don't wanna sell out?

No, because for you success is selling out.

Fine. I'll go Hollywood. Don't do it!

That way lies fear, famine, and fart jokes.

You see? Even my inner old crone hates the idea.

I'm a gonzo guy. What I do wouldn't work on TV.

Woman: Robin!

I knit this scarf for you.

Thanks. We'll treasure it.

Friend of yours?

The Fonz knows how to deal with situations.

First, I want Ron--

Ron who? My name is Richie.

First I want Richie.

You know, Andy Griffith never called me Ron.

-He always called me Opie. -He thought you were Opie.

And he still can't believe you changed your name

and switched fathers.

Ladies and gentlemen, the king of all sitcoms, Garry Marshall.

Otherwise known as the boss man.

-All right. All right. -(applause stops)

-Hey, I didn't say stop. -(applause continues)

How much am I paying you two?

Less than you paid Randall and Klugman on "The Odd Couple."

Randall and Klugman were comic geniuses.

They never screwed up my lines like you screw up Harvey's.

It's our process.

It's what keeps "Happy Days" happy.

Yes, you're all talented, happy, and professional.

Being a head writer's a dream.

Which is why I know it's all gonna go horribly wrong.

Harvey, thank you for the uplifting pep talk.

May I steal you away a second?

Yeah, sure.

See if you can get along without me for a couple minutes.

I got something to ask you.

Please, not another rewrite on the "Blansky's Beauties" pilot.

We've already got two top-ten TV shows.

Why would you want another one?

Take my mind off this one.

Woman: I can't say this. Who wrote this?

Oh, here we go again.

You're the boss' sister, Penny.

That's why I get all the crappy lines.

Oh, really, Cindy?

Well, then why are my lines just as crappy?

Why is your dressing room ten inches longer than mine, hmm?

You measured our dressing room?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

I had my assistant do it.

-Oh--Oh, I'm ridiculous? -Wait a second.

You're not gonna ask me to write for them?

No! No, no, Harvey, friends don't ask friends

to write for "Laverne & Shirley."

I wanted to run an idea by you.

See, I been researching what young people like.

You mean you talked to your son.

Yeah, right. I talked to Scotty.

He's good at young. He's been doing it for seven years.

He likes "Star Wars." He says "Happy Days" needs a Martian.

-A Martian? -Yeah.

-On "Happy Days"? -Now you got it.

So you wanna take a hit TV show

and change the entire premise.

Eh, make it a dream sequence.

How am I supposed to write a Martian?

Cute! I want a cute Martian. Casting's the key.

Well, I do know the perfect actor.

"On my planet, we have no emotions."

I'm telling you, this is the stupidest character

I've ever had to play.

Maybe if you used a funny voice.

All right.

Whatever.

"On my planet, we have no emotions."

No emotions?

You mean you don't feel love or envy or frustration or anger?

"You heard me. We have no emotion--"

That's it. This is a "career killer."

-John. -I quit. I quit.

Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!

John Byner just walked off the set.

We have no Mork. Where's my Fudgsicle?

Garry, we shoot in two days.

We don't have time to recast.

We're gonna have to shut it down.

Shut it down. Harvey, come here. Come here.

You are a great writer-producer,

but it's still my show.

We're not gonna shut it down.

Get Jill on the phone and have her call

every casting person in town, okay?

-You're gonna be fine. -This is my fault.

I mean, I'm gonna make it right.

I'm gonna find us our alien.

Enter and die.

Well, there are fates worse than death.

Like getting cancelled.

Thank you, broadcast standards.

If they ran my standup act,

I'd be saying things like "my winky dink longs for your female place."

Sorry, Robin. It's over.

What you keep smiling about?

I got to work with one of my idols.

I give up on TV, man.

Shoot me a concert. Be as dirty as I wanna be, Jack.

My career really be dead then.

At least you got a career.

First the new "Laugh-In" failed, now this show.

Oh, TV and me just don't get along.

Oh, you'll do fine, man.

You're cute and white.

Me, I'm scary and black, Jack.

Well, not to take away from 200 years of oppression,

but you're up against "Happy Days" and "Laverne & Shirley."

You're problem wasn't racism.

It was Garry Marshall.

-Harvey. -Yes. Comedy Store. Right.

And he's really funny?

Hysterical. Okay. What's the name again?

Leno. Jay Leno.

Now, is that one "N" or two?

Okay, okay, I've run out of places to grab myself,

...So goodnight. Goodnight. Goodnight.

-That was great. -Thank you.

Okay, but just give him some air please.

Don't take my wallet. Nice jacket.

-Hi. Harvey Severson. -Hi.

-I write and produce for TV. -Good for you.

Look, I missed the beginning, but I think you're hysterical.

-Thank you. -I may have a part for you.

Oh, no, no, TV hates me. She kicked me out.

-Took the kids and the house. -That's very good.

I mean, have you been on anything?

Sure, Quaaludes, cough drops, corn dogs. Also two shows.

Both cancelled faster than a speeding bullet.

Oh, well, you know what they say, Jay. Three's the charm.

Jay? Oh, no, I'm Robin Williams.

But in the Berlin circus

I was known as the kleine flaccid wiener. Ja.

No, if you're looking for Jay Leno,

he's standing over there behind his chin.

Robin Williams. I can't believe I've never heard of you.

Oh, well, you should meet Burt Bacharach.

-He's never heard of me either. -Come on. Let's go.

-So long. -Jay: Hi. How you doin'?

-Robin Williams. -Hello, everybody.

Are we going somewhere?

Yeah, back to San Francisco.

We came here so I'd get on TV.

I did, and nothing happened.

But your name's just getting around.

Things are just starting.

Well, you're a smart lady, but you're wrong about this, okay?

I'm not made for TV.

If we stay here, we're just gonna get poor and unhappy.

Then we're gonna start fighting, and you'll turn lesbian.

I'll sleep with your lover, naturally, 'cause I'll have to,

and you'll cut up all my credit cards even though I don't have any.

-Robin. -Ugh.

LA's a Venus flytrap and comics are the flies.

I've seen it. You get a little success,

they give you everything you want.

I don't want everything I want.

I was happy with what we had

back in the land of hippies and fairies and cheap drugs.