Scary Movie

Well, they're cool.

Girl, if it itches, it's class.

Hey,

girl.

Want some brown liquor?

Brown liquor don't make this for the bath.

Tequila it is.

Here you go.

Now that shit right there make your pussy pop away. Here, stand.

So what are you doing here anyway?

What do you think I'm doing here?

I'm starting in the opening seat.

Been there, done that.

Pick up the phone!

Pick up the phone!

Richie? Tiana. Hey.

You know, I thought it'd be easier for the audience if they didn't have to make

more texts.

Yeah, that makes sense, because you know these motherfuckers can't read.

I know.

Who goes to see your ways, brother? Well, it's nice to...

Some beat you in this super awkward way.

Likewise, but I gotta be honest, when I seen your profile pic, a bitch almost

swiped left because you look mad goofy.

But surprisingly, you know, them goofy niggas got big dick, so here we are.

I take you for a Jersey girl.

A Jersey girl?

Listen, I love Jersey damn, but I'm a Harlem girl. Born and motherfucking

raised. Real niggas only. Yeah.

Oh, so you're black.

No, motherfucker.

I'm black.

No cap.

The cap.

Fuck all y 'all.

Bitch, spit them pearls back out.

I want your shit.

Hello? So tell me, what's your favorite scary movie?

I don't really do them. You know, all the super tropes and shit. Why is it

always the white bitch at the end? Because they know it's too hard to kill

sister. You know what I'm saying? Because if the sister can survive

cheese, we can survive anything.

You know, it might help if you met me outside.

Met you outside?

Boy, you just needy.

What's your sign? You must be a Scorpio.

How'd you know?

Good dick, though. But toxic as hell.

Hey, is the restaurant near an alley? Yeah, it's hurrying before they rob your

ass.

You know this?

Ah, that's that cheap bitch.

Heard you, ho.

Okay, I'm coming down the alley now.

I'm here. Can you see me? I'm waving.

No.

The person I'm looking at's not waving.

Like they're just staring at me. Well, stare at his ass back.

And don't blink. Never blink. You've got struts to listen to. What?

No, they're walking towards me now.

Oh, no, they have a knife.

Well, don't lead his ass over here.

And that's not the worst part.

The worst part is you know so much about horror movies, and yet you still walked

into the alley alone.

Yeah, but the worst part is you're fucking with a New York bitch.

Seriously, man? I didn't recognize the bird call. I thought you was going more

with a... That's a pigeon, nigga.

It's supposed to be... A hawk simply did an attack.

Are you done?

Bitch,

I'm Tiana Taylor. My ass got ass.

Can I ask if we can work this out?

It's your hard -headed asshole.

Welcome to your sucker.

Hey, Tiana.

You might have kicked my ass, but you still didn't win that Oscar.

What'd you say about my Oscar?

Did I stutter?

You lost.

You're right.

But I won that Golden Globe, dude.

Oh, my God, really?

That's why I never watched horror movies.

It's fucking terrible.

Just a bunch of celebrity cameos and fart gags.

I'm more into Judd Apatow films. You know, elevated comedy.

And what is elevated comedy?

The kind that doesn't actually make anyone laugh, but makes white people

smart.

Tuesday, don't answer that.

Could be ghost things.

Oh, come on, Elle.

Stuff like that only happens in the movies.

Oh, hey. I wasn't expecting you to answer the door.

What the fuck?

Now, where's my wife?

This is Hello Tuesday.

What'd you take? Just Ritalin for my ADHD.

Adderall for PTSD.

A couple of Banex for my anxiety.

And your voter pills.

So good luck getting it up now.

Jesus, Sarah, how many did you take?

I don't know. How many come in a bottle?

Hey, Tess.

Sarah, Toothpick's in the hospital.

She was stabbed by a killer. You know, Ghostface.

Wait, from Wu -Tang?

What about Ghostface Killa, a .k .a. Pretty Tell Me, a .k .a. Starkey Love,

he stabbed my sister?

God, Sarah, it wasn't Ghostface Killa. It was somebody in a Ghostface mask.

Oh.

Okay, that makes more sense.

I ate the wand!

Jesus, Jack!

What? I was thinking about wearing this for Halloween.

My strange blast -tested half -sister was nearly killed by... Thank God he's

smart.

I thought I could see her.

Can't make up for the past.

I'm going with you.

Not because I'm the obvious killer trying to lure you back to your

I'm just a supportive boyfriend.

That's all.

Okay, let's go. Get in the car.

Listen, we just have to make one stop on the way.

I survived.

All thanks to my lucky penny.

I hate when y 'all leave. Come here, young.

Come on, turn off this ratchet -ass music. It's embarrassing, especially for

black women.

It's not embarrassing. I'm the cool mom.

Everybody wish they had. I'm lit.

Don't forget, I got practice later, so I'll be home late. You only made the

because you're black, and those racist fucks assumed you could play.

It's 2026. I don't think race is an issue.

Do you read black Twitter?

No. Oh, wait.

Are you still dating that hoe?

Okay. Stop hoe -shaming her, heifer. Just because Daryl and them ran a train

her doesn't make her a hoe.

She's not a hoe.

She's sex positive.

Well, I'm positive she's a hoe.

What shit is she at? Bloody schoolgirl.

How we ho?

Hi, this is me.

Love the hair.

I mean, I'll take a sponsor.

Well, thank you very much. I gotta invite you over and make you a little

pot. Ooh, you know what? I gotta get to African American history class.

We're learning about slavery.

Time to find out. It was a choice. You see that right there?

That's Kanye.

That's right.

They've been teaching us wrong all this time.

Mm -hmm. Stay black.

Bye, Ma.

All right. Bye, baby. Bye, sweet.

Bye. Son, I put some condoms in your bag. You know, I may try to trap y 'all.

Mom.

Okay, seriously?

Sure, Greg. You don't have to walk me to class. I'm fine. Jess, there's a serial

killer on the loose.

I'm not going to let anything happen to my baby girl.

Boy, okay? I'm a baby boy. I'm sorry.

I'm having a hard time with this transition.

Okay, it's really simple.

Treat me like one of the guys.

Okay?

I can do that. Yeah.

Slap fight.

Oh, you call that a slap?

Who the hell did you do that for?

Don't act like such a bitch.

Bitch.

Not bad.

What the hell is like this?

Want some tea?

Oh, my God, Mother. You look like shit.

Baby, please. This is clearly a woman who's run out of condition. Oh, be

where you walk. The whole place is booby -trapped.

You never know when that psycho's going to come back.

Come in.

Okay.

I hate this job.

Mr. Campbell, I'm Jack, Sarah's boyfriend.

I've heard so much about you.

None of it good.

I've heard nothing about you, Jack. I assume you're a piece of shit. But how

would I know when I haven't heard from my daughter in what, six months? Six

years, mother.

And whose fault is that? And whose fault is that? I don't know. Maybe it's

yours.

That's fair. We want to learn from the horror you survived.

Look, Scary Movie 3 and 4 paid me a lot of money for a girl. There is nothing to

learn there.

But if you want to talk about the house, Bunny, shoot. It's happening again.

Some asshole in a mask. We have to stop him.