Wild Hogs

Wha... Ho!

Whoa!

Oh! Man, oh, man!

I almost lost it back there.

I didn't know what was going on.

Oh!

Oh...

Mmm.

- Oh, hey, babe? Doug? - Huh?

Can you take Billy to school? My day kinda got away from me.

Yeah, yeah. Unless there's an emergency at the office.

Oh, was there an emergency?

You know, dentists do have emergencies.

- Oh. - Sometimes.

- Ah. - We are doctors.

Hey, no, no! Not until your LDL is under a hundred.

Well, Mr. Putnam, any plans this summer?

- - What's... What'd he say?

He said we're taking an African safari.

Africa. I don't think I've been out of Cincinnati in 12 years.

You owe it to yourself to get out and enjoy life.

You can't just live to work! You need excitement!

- -

Come on. Don't be a baby,

it's a d... Oh, the suction, the extractor. Hold on.

That'll suck the spots off a Dalmatian.

Help me, help me, all right.

Know what they call this? One powerful little sucker.

That's the brand name. It's unbelievable.

See? I have plenty of excitement in my life, Mrs. Putnam.

- - Bobby?

Karen, I asked for no disturbances.

I need to talk to you, Bobby.

Technically, I'm at the office right now.

And technically, you're in our guest bedroom.

Look, I know baby. I... I just gotta finish this chapter.

I know. But you know what?

I have to go to a job that actually makes us money.

And I'm late, so walk me to the door.

Come on, Bobby. I gotta get to work. OK?

Oh, Wait. I forgot my cell phone.

- Stay. - Hey, Daddy! Listen!

- - Whoa.

Hey, no. Inside voice.

- Inside voice. - Would you shut up!

God, it's like living with a car alarm that shits.

Whoa. What are you doing trying to leave the house wearing that?

- You look like a Eskimo hooker. - Dad, that's the point.

- You wanna look like a hooker? - Dad, you are so lame.

It's hard for kids to respect a man that don't do none of the providing.

In my day the lady stayed home. Not the lazy man.

In your day the men had pyramids to build.

How old is that?

I'm in complete control of my finan...

- - No.

Hush. Come.

How come she gets quiet when you say something to her?

Because you, my darling, have no control.

Baby, I know your how-to book is gonna be a huge success someday.

But do you remember what day today is?

No.

We had agreed that you would take a year off

to pursue this little fantasy of yours, but that year is up.

Now you and I had a deal.

Come on, baby. Stressful cases.

Clients under duress.

I'm tired of dealing with shit all the time.

Besides, how do we even know they'll take me back?

- Because I called. - You're serious?

The Firm is ecstatic to have you back, Bobby.

You got a nine o'clock appointment.

- You call The Firm? - Yeah, mers room.

Some truck's driver must've crap an entire cow in there, man.

Good luck.

I didn't want to give him the key,

but I didn't trust my instincts.

I saw my father shot. I never cry until today.

I got robbed yesterday, and I know now,

your job is the bad one.

Yeah.

- Dudley? - Yes, good morning, Mac.

How's it going?

It is now nine o'clock AM.

Thanks, Mac. Open Internet, please.

- Command unknown. - Open Internet.

Internet open.

I think I have to research alternative specs.

- Searching alternative sex. - What? No. I didn't say that.

Granny Love dot org.

- Want granny to take her teeth out? - Shut down.

- Barnyard love. -

- I'm sorry. - Enjoy the animals.

Granny's gonna spank your bottom.

All kinds of fun.

- - I can fix that.

- Or not. -

Well, iCat.

- Looks like it's you and me. -

OK, Larry, so what are you trying to tell me?

- You're broke. - Well, how does that work?

You've spent everything you had, then spent some more.

This is right here. Nothing. Zero.

You know what?

Maybe it's time for my wife, the "supermodel,"

to start paying for some things for once in her life.

You're getting divorced.

- Why would she pay? - Divorced, going broke...

You think I'm falling apart, don't you?

Not going broke. You are broke.

- OK. - The door's behind you.

No, no, you listen to me, Toby. You're not gonna push me around.

We agreed on a price, and that's the price I'm gonna pay.

You got it? And if you don't like it, just walk away.

I'll tell you this, you can kiss your business goodbye.

If you screw with Woody Stevens, you go down hard. You got that?

What? No, money is not a problem.

Don't insult me. Don't insult me!

Money's never a problem!

You just have to honor the correct price, you got that?

- What? -

Well, then go home, Toby! You make me sick!

I can't do this many leaves for ten bucks.

It'll take hours!

You should've thought of that before you put that flyer

on the telephone pole saying, "Any yard for ten bucks."

Toby. Come on, let's talk.

Let's talk like men, OK?

What's the problem?

- Money's the problem! - Grow up, Toby!

- I hate you. - I hate you!

Moron!

- Kel, it's me. - I'll be right down.

Hey, Bill.

You wanna shoot some hoops or something before I take my ride?

- No, thanks. -

- Uh... - Hey, babe. How was work?

- Mmm. - Great.

- - Good.

Hello? Cool. I'll ask right now.

- Can I play ball with Stew and his dad? - Of course you can.

Cool. Thanks.

Here, dude, I'll be right over, OK? All right, bye.

I just asked you if you wanted to play ball. You said no.

Well, yeah. I mean, Stew's dad is awesome.

He can totally dunk.

The hoop's what? Eight feet above the ground?

- Anybody could dunk that. - Well. See you guys later.

Doug, I am so sorry. You know, I had no idea.

It wasrt your fault. You didn't know.

What do I gotta do to relate to my son?

- Hey, guys? -

Does this sound better?

Whoa!

I'm OK! I hit my butt.

Thanks, Woody.

I feel really safe with you.

I noticed. If you ever lay your head on my back again

when you're riding bitch, I'll throw you in the traffic.

I... I was just trying to keep the wind off my face.

- I felt you smell my neck. - Guys, could we?

Did you smell that mars neck?

His cologne is fantastic.

It's musky with an oaky finish.

Like a lawyer cowboy.

Lawyer cowboy?

Wild Hogs aren't welcome here.

- Hey, Paul. - How you doing?

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Paul.

Hey, Woody.

Just waiting on those K-ones to do your tax returns.

We also need to talk about that offshore incorporating thing.

Yeah, well, I'll give you a call.

OK. I'll set up lunch. Or we could do a day at the spa.

Now that was fun.

- Huh? - I don't remember that.

- Got your wine cooler, Dad. - Oh, sweet. Thanks.

- I'll see you Hogs in Hell! - We'll make it.

- That was scary, Paul. Good work. - See you later.

- I'm not coming here anymore. - But this is a Wild Hog tradition.

We're not Wild Hogs, we're like wild lambs.

It's just a patch that Doug's wife made.

We sewed it on our jackets so she wouldn't feel bad.

- Is that a fact? - Yeah.

Well, what has your wife ever made us?

- Hard. -

- Hey. - That's true, she is really.

- All I'm saying is she's good-looking. - Show some respect.

Come on. That's what your wife does. She's a swimsuit model.

And it... And a good one, I mean. She is hot.

OK, here's a question: What are we doing here?

Having... Having beers like we do every week.

No, no, no. Bigger picture. Life, man. What do we have to look forward to?

Riding in formation in the Labor Day Parade?

- Is that it? - I'm looking forward to the parade.

I got Tootsie Rolls I can throw to the kids.

- - Tootsie Rolls

that he can throw to the kids.

Man, you can't even put on your turn signal without busting your ass.

Look, let's put some real miles on those bikes.

- Road trip? - Yeah. A road trip.