Crowded

Do you think it's our fault?

Of course it's our fault.

We made them our friends. We coddled them.

I don't think we coddle them.

Look at us right now. We're whispering so as not to wake up our daughter,

who's passed out on a counter

reeking of gin.

I think it might be rum.

Yeah, let's argue about that.

Can you believe I once told her she could be president?

All the crap we told them to give them self-esteem.

My father never gave me self-esteem.

He never even said that he loved me.

And look at me; I hate myself, and I'm doing great.

Least he stuck around. I mean,

my hippie mom left when I was seven to go live on an ashram.

I still don't know what that is.

- (knocking) - Mike, you in there?

No, I'm not.

See, I don't want him to come in here.

That's how our kids should feel about us.

Oh, jeez, look at this. Passed out drunk.

It's all because of your permissive...

Wait, stop me if she's actually dead.

She's fine, and you don't have to yell at us.

We were just yelling at ourselves.

We're just here to say good-bye.

Bob and I are heading out for a weekend at the cabin.

- (phone rings) - Oh.

Shoot, my sister Rhonda.

Shoot your sister Rhonda? I'll do it.

Stop that. I've got to take this.

You know, I've been thinking about doing some hunting up there.

How are you fixed for venison jerky?

Picture all the venison jerky that you've ever given me.

I still have it.

Oh, Bob, I can't go.

Rhonda's boyfriend cheated on her,

and now I've got to drive to Tacoma to keep her

from burning his house down again.

I guess you'll just have to go to the cabin without me.

But it won't be as romantic without you.

So it'll still be a little romantic?

I mean, I'll still build a fire

and pour myself a glass of wine, and nuke a Hot Pocket.

I know how to show myself a good time.

You know, Dad, you shouldn't go to the cabin by yourself.

Um... I'm just remembering the caretaker called,

said the place was crawling with spiders.

Oh, don't tell me that.

I hate those creepy-crawly little bastards.

Ooh, four legs I'll give you, six, all right, you're a bug.

Eight legs, ooh, that's a devil creature.

Fine, no cabin.

The caretaker didn't call. Why did you talk your dad out of going?

Because we're going to the cabin. Just the two of us, you and me, right now.

Oh, that sounds great. Let me just

- leave a note for the girls. - No, no, no, no note.

You and I have to get away, and they need to learn to fend for themselves.

Ah, absolutely. I agree.

No more coddling, old-school parenting.

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.

Well, technically every day is the first day of the rest of our lives.

Eh, you're not gonna be like that all weekend, are you?

- Yes, but I'll also be naked. - Deal.

Morning, Stell.

Huh? What?

Bitch, I will cut you.

Oh, it's you.

Good morning.

- What's that envelope? - No idea.

"Dear girls, don't tell your father I told you,

"but we've gone away for the weekend.

Open this only if there is an emergency."

So insulting,

like we can't handle a weekend without them.

Can you make some coffee?

I don't know how to make coffee. You don't know how to make coffee?

Mom always does it. Open the envelope.

Wait. We could just go to Starbucks.

Right. You've always been good in a crisis, Shea.

Also, with Mom and Dad gone, we can work on,

you know, Operation: Project.

They're not here. You can say what Operation: Project is.

All right, we can work on our...

- Oh, God, did you hear that? - Of course I did.

I'm opening the envelope.

Wait, it sounds like it's coming from the basement.

Shouldn't we just go check it out?

What do we always yell at the people in horror movies

right before they get murdered?

"Don't go see what the scary noise is.

The killer's in there. Get out of the house."

Sure, you're the nerdy virgin who lives in the end,

but I'm the sexy, popular girl who gets an ax in the forehead.

- I'm not a virgin. - Close enough.

Two is not zero.

Oh, we've got to get out of here. We'll open it in the car.

Oh, wow, this is gonna be so romantic.

- (Mike) Mm-mmm. - (Martina sighs)

- You want romance? - Uh-huh.

Check this out.

Whoo, look at you.

I know, I'm coming off great right now, aren't I?

You know, I think I can make it all the way to the couch.

- You do it, buddy. - Okay. (chuckles)

- And here we are. - (Martina laughs)

Oh, this is such a great idea.

Getting away from the girls is exactly what we needed.

You know what this weekend's gonna be?

What our life was supposed to be if the girls

- had never moved back. - (Martina clicks tongue)

Picture it.

Are you as turned on as I am right now?

Even more so. I think I'm done.

- But I'll rally. - Mm-hmm.

This weekend, let's try new things,

sexy things, birthday things.

Your birthday or mine?

Mine, please.

All right. Um...

how about you're a lonely woodsman, and I'm...

- Mom. - Oh, no, I don't like that.

No, no, no, no. My mom's here.

Oh, my God.

Mike, is that really you?

I don't believe this. What are you doing here?

Hold on.

I haven't seen you for 40 years. I just want to look at you for a second.

Oh, wow.

Your aura is so murky right now.

If you'd like, I could do some reiki on you.

Are you high?

Well, just coming down, but I've got more.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Well, I got your message, and I was on my way to see you

and my spirit guide came to me in a dream and said,

"No, hold off. You're not strong enough yet."

So I decided to come to our old cabin to center myself.

Nothing strange about that.

But I didn't know you and Martina were here.

Oh, my goddess.

Did I interrupt the act of lovemaking?

Because that is so important to a couple.

Your father and I always connected on that level.

Your father had the most beautiful penis I'd ever seen.

Anyone else need a drink?

Martina, I have some mung bean wine in my bag.

Yeah, that'll hit the spot.

Everything okay in there?

Ah, yeah, just a couple of bad squirrels.

What are you doing here?

- We heard a noise. - A scary noise.

Girls, that's not an emergency!

You didn't hear it. It was like...

No, it was more like...

Stop it!

God, you're such pussies.

Look, I will never hear the end of it if your father sees you here.

Go sneak into the guest room.

Use the fire ladder, but be careful. That ladder is rickety.

Oh, I'll just come hold it for you.

Mike, I thought it would be good to see you,

but it's even better than I imagined.

Let's forget about the past and start all over again.

I don't know if I can do that. There's still a lot of anger and resentment.

I was seven years old, and you just disappeared.

Yes, express it.

Yell, scream, think of me as your emotional punching bag.

But before you do, let me just tell you one little thing: I'm dying.

Now, go ahead. Let me have it.

What?

I don't know how much time I have left, but forget that. Yell away.

Well, I can't be mad at you now that I know that you're dying.

Oh, Mike.

The look of love and forgiveness on your face right now.

It almost makes me wish I really was dying.

Wait....

You're not dying?

No. Isn't it a relief?

Look, I just don't want to waste time going over all the bad stuff.

When you called, I felt like there was a chance for us to start over again.

I came to the cabin, because I had such happy memories of this place.

Well, we did have fun here.

I made so many mistakes.

I wish my spirit guide could send me back in time

to when you and I would hang out here

waiting for your father to come knock at the door.

- (knock at door) - Open up, Mike. I know you're in there.

- Holy . That worked. - (Linda gasps)

Ooh, I am so sorry. It took me forever to find these glasses.

Forget about the wine. Dad's here.

- What? - Let me in, you son of a bitch.

Listen to him, sexy as ever.

But I'm not ready to see him.

I'll just hide in the guest room.

Oh, no, not the guest room.

Ah, you should use the master bedroom.

So that's why you talked me out of coming here,