Derek

Can't film in here. Toilets.

Oh! Jesus Christ!

Oh! Oh, God!

Are you scared of spiders?

It's the worst spider what I've ever seen, in there.

Look, it's the giantest spider.

Hannah? Look. Hannah!

- There's a spider in there. - Oh, can't be that bad.

- Wait till you see it. - Where is it?

Wait till you see it. I'm not kidding.

Oh! Ooh!

That is big.

- Get rid of it. - Don't kill it!

What do you want me to do with it?

Deport it? Send it to prison for having too many legs?

Go and get... Go and get... Go and get a cup.

Catch it. Make sure you catch it and put it... let it go free.

He's terrified of 'em. Nearly gave him a heart attack and he won't let me kill it.

He's got me running around, trying to rehome it for him.

Don't lose it.

I won't lose it. Watch it, mate.

I've got to get it under there, without startling the fu...

Oh! Oh, fuckin' hell! Oh! Oh...

It's been a funny old year, you know. We're still here.

Same old faces. Some new faces.

Some people have gone.

You know, just life rolling on.

This is Geoff.

He's been with us about a week now. Yeah.

He's been unemployed for a little while, so...

It's part of a restart thing.

He is a wrong 'un, isn't he?

Don't you think? Look at him.

What do you mean? Weird, don't you think?

Well shifty. Right.

Er... Vicky is with us permanently now.

She's our, er... in-house beautician, unofficially.

She does all their nails and hair and stuff.

Yeah.

She's gonna open her own salon one day, ain't you?

Yeah, wouldn't mind.

Yeah, no, it's wicked. I love it. I love it here.

It's like being at home, really, innit?

Except... well, here, everyone's really nice.

But... yeah, it's all right.

The money's not great, but... well, I'm a born hustler, ain't I?

So, doing my bits and pieces on the side to get by.

What do you think of them? Ooh!

All right, ain't they? What's that?

Oh, hold on.

There you go.

All yours. Oh, how much is that, Vicky?

Oh, no, don't be silly.

No, I'll pay you. It's a present, honestly.

Oh, thank you very much. Enjoy.

Geoff, it's my dad. He's moving in today.

'We've got a new resident moving in today.

'It's Derek's dad, Anthony.

'Derek's over the moon. He's so proud. '

It's my dad. He's moving in here today.

All these lovely mares.

This is your room.

Oh... Oh, 'eavy.

It's nice, innit?

All right.

Got everything. Cupboards. Bed.

Loads of cupboards. Wardrobe.

Chair.

Ah!

What's this? Photo album?

Huh! Is this all your holidays? Yeah.

Huh! And where have you been? Have you been everywhere?

France, Germany, Spain, Morocco.

You name it, I've been there.

All the pictures of you are with different ladies.

Ah, sure, that's the point in travelling, boy.

Nookie.

Newquay?

I haven't been to Newquay.

Who's that?

That's my one picture of you.

Still got the same hair. Heh-heh!

Look, that's me.

That's baby Derek.

I wish I... I wish I could travel one day. I'd like to go different places.

Just to see what all the different places are like.

Cos all the places are different, ain't they? Everywhere's different.

What's the most different place you've been? The Sahara Desert.

Why?

Cos it's fucking warm.

What's France like? It's full of French people.

Yeah? They're not very friendly.

The women are nice, though.

Right, Joe's coming. Remember, don't mention it. Don't mention...

It grew back.

Very lucky.

What's the strangest thing what you've ever seen, what you've ever learnt?

I met a wise man in Kathmandu,

who believed you should make a list of all the things you wanted,

and give it to your dad to keep,

and maybe the circle of life would get you one of them things.

What? If you does that, will you get one of your wishes, maybe?

Yeah.

Shall I make a list? Yeah.

I want to get him a little present,

but I don't know what he likes, I'm ashamed to say.

Hmm.

This is a sneaky way of finding out.

'It's my bestest day ever. My dad's moving in.

'Joining us, joining my family. His... his family as well now. '

When I'm like this as well, when I'm happiest, I get sad sometimes

cos I feel sorry for people who ain't as happy as me.

Lots of people ain't lucky like me. I'm lucky.

I'm really lucky. I've got... Yeah.

So, that's why I'm nice, in case they're not having a good day

or they ain't got as... much luck as me.

So, er... yeah, cos life, right, it's all about good and bad things, isn't it?

Summat good happens and summat bad happens,

and in my life it's mostly good things and a little bad things.

Yeah, that... that makes it all right

and that's why I always tries my best as well.

I learned it off animals.

Animals always tries their best. Always trying their best.

You never see like a lazy ant. It's always working.

It goes, "I'll do that."

Look, sandwiches, cakes, tea. Everything.

We always do something when there's a new resident. Helps break the ice.

Let them know it's a welcoming place.

It can be very overwhelming.

You know, they're always a bit shy, scared.

Oh. Want to take those?

Yeah. What is... Why is he grabbing her?

I don't know.

Everyone sits where they wants, but people has favourite chairs.

Pat likes that one. Arthur likes that one. Joe likes that one.

People moves around. These are all ladies.

Precious, Margaret and Sheila.

Um... Annie.

Oh, guess what, right? Um... Tom and Hannah are trying to have a baby.

Derek! What? Yeah, I've heard you talking about it.

I knows what's going on.

Oh, they haven't told me.

Didn't know it was something I had to.

Are you checking when she's ovulating?

Yeah, but, they've got... got a thermometer,

and... and they test when she's the right temperature,

and if she's the right temperature, they sneaks off and has sex quickly,

and then comes back in like nothing's happened.

But I knows what... what they've been doing.

Now, when me and your grandad were trying for your mum... Mm-hm?

We used to come straight home from work, straight upstairs,

no foreplay or anything like that,

wham, bam, thank you, ma'am, do his bit,

and then afterwards he'd help me stand on my head by holding my legs.

Why? Well, it helps the sperm up the cervix.

What's a cervix?

It's the opening between the vagina and the uterus.

And a sperm's got to get through that to the...

So, it goes vagina...

cervix, uterus.

So, he puts his sperm into the vagina,

and then he has to help it up the cervix into the uterus,

and that's where the baby's made, innit? Mm-hm.

Yeah, and it helps if he turns her on her head, holding her legs up?

Well, you're in with more of a chance. Why, cos it dribbles upwards?

Yeah, gravity. Yeah.

Um... vagina. Uterus.

Cervix.

These are a few of my favourite things.

What else? Clitoris, cum and flaps.

He just always keeps talking to all the ladies.

Well, he's just being friendly, in't he? Yeah.

You're always on that phone. Yeah.

I've got to keep up with my people, haven't I? Let 'em know I'm busy.

Yeah, but you're not busy, are you? You're on Twitter.

Oh! I can work and tweet, you know. She's going to put me on Twitter.

I ain't got a phone but she's gonna put me on her phone.

- You can put it out there. - Yeah, um...

Derek says...

Do you know what? That can be your hashtag. What's that?

It looks like that, and if you put that before "Derek says",

everyone can see it and follow it.

Yeah, hashtag, "Derek says".

Yeah, got that.

Yeah. So, what do you want to say?

Be nice to animals.

Is that it, yeah? Yeah.

Send. That's out there.

Dad?

I've made a list. Top ten things what I wants.

Is that all right? That's perfect.

I'll keep this in a sealed envelope close to my heart, and we'll see if it works.

I don't mind if it don't.

Er... Joan used to say all you needs is someone to love,

something to do and something to wish for.

I've got loads of people I loves. I've got loads to do.

I'm always busy, ain't I?

And I've got loads to wish for. That's the things I wish for most.

You think a lot about people you've lost, don't you, Derek?

Yeah.