Prey for Rock & Roll

All my life, all I ever wanted to be

was a rock and roll star.

I was this dorky seventh grader from the Valley

when I had my first cool experience.

My boyfriend, Johnny Miller, had his dad drive us to see.

Ike and Tina Turner at the Hollywood Bowl.

Oh, man. She scared the shit out of me!

It was the most bad-assed thing I'd ever seen a woman do.

Suddenly, the idea of becoming a teacher or a nurse lost its edge.

Sorry, Mom.

The second after I'd got my driver's license,

I grabbed my fake l.D., jumped into my Pinto,

and headed straight over the hill to Hollywood.

I saw the band X at The Whiskey, and I fell in love with Punk Rock.

I left that show knowing I had to have my own hand.

So I got an electric guitar, learned three chords,

and cons some chicks into starting a band with me.

That was 20 years ago.

Today, and God knows how many bands later, not much has changed.

Not the gigs, not the clubs, not the money.

Tonight, we made $13.50 each.

Not even enough to support my eyeliner habit.

Lady with a baby, make a hole.

And what lucky ladies get to share this glamorous life with me?

Let me introduce you to my band.

That's Faith. Guitar God by night, guitar teacher by day.

Oh, man, she loves her guitar!

I think she only stopped sleeping with it when she started sleeping with Sally.

That's Sally. Hmm, let's see.

If Shirley Temple and Keith Moon had a love child,

she would definitely be Sally.

You need help with that, missy?

Oh, yeah. That beautiful mess is Tracy.

Lucky for her, she's a trust fund baby.

And a great bass player.

What did I say about the feet?

Oh, this is Jessica.

Hey.

It must be Friday.

- Hey. - Am I going to see you later on?

Yeah. I'll call you.

Jacki...

don't say you're going to call me unless you're going to call me, okay?

- I will see you later. - All right.

See you later. Let me just finish up here.

Fine.

Chicks.

I spent over 20 years living, breathing, fucking, sucking, eating, sleeping,

and dreaming all things rock and roll.

It never occurred to me that I might not make it.

So, did I really want to be slugging it out in little clubs,

still chasing that rock and roll dream when I was 45?

50? How about fucking 60?

I mean, at what point do I become a joke?

In two days I'll be 40.

And surprise, surprise, I ain't no rock star.

I could quit and become the bitter old bitch who devoted her whole life

to rock and roll and never succeeded...

or I could stick with it and become the bitter old bitch who refused to give up.

Hmm, bitter rock chick in a band?

Bitter ruck chick without a hand?

Either way, bitter and rock and roll end up together.

Go this way.

This, if--

Hello, lesbian lovers.

Hello, lady who kept make up from mind.

Now here's a foolish question.

Is Tracy here yet?

Hello. Testes, one, two, three. Testes.

- What you do to me.. - Fuck!

Shut up!

I cannot believe you know the words of that fucking song!

Tracy, while we were waiting for you, we took a vote.

We're now a cover band.

Cover this, dude.

Whore.

I'm like Cher.

Yeah, yeah. No way, man. I read the pamphlets.

Today's marijuana, tomorrow I'm a crack whore.

I know this girl.

She had a labia reduction.

Man.

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for that cheap rock and roll sound?

The band you've been trying to avoid all your life,

the fucking worst band in the history of rock and roll.

- Would you mind not fucking-- - I'm embarrassed to introduce--

All right, Nick, Nick, enough. Here, smoke pot and shut up, dude.

Think this could wait until after rehearsal?

- I don't think so. - I don't think so. We'll be right back.

- Yeah! - Come on, man, leave 'em alone.

It's the rock and roll sound.

- How much? - 200, baby.

Oh, that's what I'm talking about. I must've been a good boy.

You look so good.

God, you're so beautiful!

Why don't you come with me, huh?

You don't need to practice. They can practice. Quit.

- C'mon, Nick. - Come with me in Mexico.

I can't, they'll kill me. I got to stay.

Go. Get out.

At least come into the bathroom with me. I want to show you something.

Don't be a fucking pig, dude, c'mon.

Go.

- Yo! - Shut your hole!

Buen dia, compadre.

- How are you doing? - Good, good, good.

Real good.

All the time.

Look at you.

I can't believe you didn't tell me you were getting out?

I wanted to surprise you.

You know that guy?

Grab my bass, will you?

Oh, man!

Who's this guy?

I don't know, he's kind of fucking hot though.

In an "America's Most Wanted" kind of way.

- Hi! I'm Faith. - I'm Animal.

Animal?

- I'm Sally's brother. - You have a brother?

Named Animal?

Wow! Well, where you been?

- I was in-- - He was in college.

Yeah-- no, he's got Ivy League written all over him.

Hey guys, can we just have a minute, please?

- All right. - Thanks.

- I was in prison. - Did he just say prison?

Yes, he did. How long and what for?

Dude, you're not supposed to ask that!

Is there a prison etiquette I don't know about?

I want to make sure he's not a child molester, or a rapist.

Jacki, he's-- he's my brother.

They're always someone's brother.

You look friendlier in the photos.

It's nice to finally meet you, Jacki.

What photos?

Great to finally meet you, Jacki.

Nick, say hello to Sally's brother, Animal.

- Hey, man. - Animal?

You got a problem, man?

I don't know. Do I?

I don't know. Do you?

Stop it, Nick. Splashing your testosterone all over the place.

Shut up, Jack!

Don't talk to her like that, man.

Maybe I should just come back later, huh?

Wait a minute. Where are you gonna go?

I saw a motel a few blocks back. It rents by the week.

Dude, we got an extra room, you should totally stay with us.

Is that okay?

Sure, yeah.

Yeah, it'd be totally cool.

'Cause if Tracy and Sally just play it totally straight,

and I come in just kind of chugging, like really slow, slow, slow, slow.

Then you'd come in with this lead, really slow,

toom-toom-toom, build, build, build,

then we just slam into the chorus.

It'll be hot, man.

Shall I start without you?

I got to go.

- Uh-huh. - Uh-huh. Come here.

- Turn that thing off. - Uh-huh.