Stuart Fails to Save the Universe

- (ANIMALS HOOTING IN DISTANCE) You speak our words?

Yes. We speak your words.

Where is your village?

Uh... Pasadena?

- P... Pasadena. - Pasadena.

Just east of Glendale?

- Glendale. Glendale. - Glendale.

Yeah, just north of the 134. What the hell are we doing here?

We have food and places to rest.

Water to bathe in, companions to sleep with.

Hang on. Question.

When you say "sweep with,"

- do you mean sex? - Of course.

- What's the catch? - Catch?

Uh, what do you want in return?

Just the pleasure of knowing we met your needs.

Follow-up question.

What if some of the needs are a wittle unusual?

Shush!

We'd be honored to accept your hospitality.

Our village isn't far. Walk with us.

So far, this is my favorite universe.

Hey, is it weird that a primitive tribe

with no contact with the outside world,

no technology, speaks English?

Maybe we're speaking their language.

Well, if that's the case,

how can I say the word "helicopter"?

They obviously don't have helicopters.

We say "unicorn," but we don't have unicorns.

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

You are beautiful to look at.

Me?

Has no one ever told you this before?

My mom.

But she said it was an inner beauty.

Would you like to share my bed tonight?

Yes, please. (INHALES DEEPLY)

Mm. Everything's so fresh.

It's like living in the produce section

- of Whole Foods. - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

Maybe.

Probably.

- My dogs are barking. - Mm.

What are you doing?

These are good. I will wear them.

Like hell you will. They're mine.

- "Mine"? What is "mine"? - They belong to me.

I went to Foot Wocker and waited an hour

for the idiot kid to find my size. Mine.

- Mine. - No, you say "yours."

- Yours. - Thank you. Mine.

Mine.

- Yours. - Thank you. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, look, Kripke made a friend.

What are you gonna do with one shoe?

- No, no. Both mine. Both... Both mine.

Both mine. Both mine?

- Morning. - It's so beautiful here.

Glad you like it, 'cause we ain't going anywhere.

- You couldn't fix the machine? - Me? Fix it? No.

I come from a long line of people who call a guy.

- So what are we supposed to do? - I don't know.

Look for a hut in a neighborhood with good schools?

Oh, God. I forgot about our kids.

It's okay. Don't worry about it. They... They... They weren't real.

They were projections

from a malevolent force keeping us enslaved

in a false reality.

- Yeah, but they were ours. - Yeah.

So, we're really stuck here?

Someone's been sending me messages.

Maybe they'll tell us how to fix the machine.

But there's no technology here. How do you send a message?

Primitive cultures had lots of ways to communicate.

Drums, smoke signals

Did you enjoy our sex last night?

It was great. Also, I love you.

Chana, would you like to share my bed tonight?

Sure.

What the fuck?

- Um, question. - Yes?

I don't want to come off clingy or anything,

but I thought you and I had something special together.

We do.

Then why are you gonna be with that guy tonight?

- He asked. - Oh, I don't like that.

Why?

Well, we do things differently where I come from.

- Pasadena? Yeah.

When a man and a woman love each other,

they're monogamous.

What is "monogamous"?

They only have sex with one another.

And everyone in Pasadena does this?

Well, I can't speak for everyone, but a lot of them.

Definitely more than in Beverly Hills.

And monogamous makes them happy?

I know it would make me happy.

I do want that.

I will think about your monogamous.

Thanks.

- Thank you. - Oh, you're very welcome. Mm.

So happy.

Oh. We aim to pwease.

Hey. (CHUCKLES)

- Nice work in there. - You too.

And you... (CHUCKLES)

You are getting a... a hand-written thank-you note.

Come on. (GRUNTS)

I could kill for a protein shake. (SIGHS)

But if there are infinite universes,

maybe there's one where the English language evolved

entirely on its own.

Without an England?

- (FLIES BUZZING) - Excuse me.

- Yes? - Is that shit?

Yes. Bear.

Mm-hmm.

You want to take a crack at this?

Why?

Don't people in Pasadena look for signs and omens

in animal droppings?

There's probably someone.

Wait, you find messages in bear shit?

Oh, yes.

When will the rains come? Will our women be fertile?

Primitive cultures, signs in and animal droppings.

- Mind if I jump in? - What are you doing?

If we're gonna receive a message in this universe,

maybe this is how.

- In shit? - I don't make the rules, Denise.

Now, you wanna help me,

or you wanna stand there looking disgusted?

Oh, disgusted, no question.

I have cwaimed this bowl

because I don't want your germs, which means this bowl is mine.

My bowl.

All the bowls are the same. How do we know?

Ah, good question.

Wook here on the bottom. I have put my mark.

Now, I know you're all charmingwy iwiterate

but this is a wetter, the wetter "K,"

as in "keep your hands off Kwipke's bowl."

- Yeah? - Isn't it better if we all share everything?

Maybe if you're a pinko communist,

but I don't have to tell you how that worked out.

How did that work out?

- (HESITATES) - (VILLAGERS MURMURING)

This is my bowl, don't touch my bowl.

Looks like nothing for me today.

- That's probably not coming out. - Are we done?

- Hang on. - (SQUELCHING)

Come here, look at this.

- No. - You need to see this.

But where are we gonna find that?

No idea.

Maybe in rabbit shit?

Hmm?

- What are you doing? - Mine.

- What's that mean? - It means it belongs to me.

But that's not our way. We... We share bowls.

We... We share everything.

Maybe if you're a commie,

or a sociawist.

Why are you crying?

I'm just not used to being happy.

Chana?