The Middle

Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?

Oh, damn it. Come on.

Some people call this the middle of nowhere.

You know, one of those places you fly over on your way...

...from somewhere to somewhere else, but you wouldn't live here?

Now we're flying over the great state of Indiana, if you'd like to take a look.

Look down next time. You'll see us down here in the middle.

Orson, Indiana. Heart of the heartland.

Proud home of Little Betty Snack Cakes, the demolition derby for the homeless...

...and the world's largest polyurethane cow.

How'd I end up in the middle of the road in this getup?

Here? No. Oh, bars. I got bars. Ow.

Guess it all started a couple weeks ago. And, no, I'm not an actual superhero.

Not unless you count getting my kids out for school every morning.

I made breakfast.

Come on. We're late. Let's go. Let's go.

That's my youngest, Brick.

You know how you think giving a kid a cool name will make him cool?

It doesn't.

Okay. Now, listen.

At recess, I don't want you wandering around alone on the perimeter. All right?

Makes you an easy target.

Like the gazelle that gets separated from the pack.

You gotta find yourself a group of kids and just stand near them.

- You know you're my hero, right, Mom? - Thank you, honey. Eat your pancake.

- It's still frozen. - Well, lick it. It'll last longer.

Hey, Mike, have you seen that envelope with my driver's license from the DMV?

I need it for work. Why is this place such a mess?

That one over there would be Axl.

Since he hit 15, he hibernates in his room...

...and comes out to paw through our food and shoot off sarcastic comments.

Uh. We're out of chips. Nice job, Mom.

Yeah, I can't hear you if you don't have pants on.

Mom, where's my homework?

Aha! Okay.

When did this happen?

Mike, look. Look at this.

I haven't had my license picture taken in seven years.

Here's the old one. Look at this.

What happened to me?

Well, back then you were all young and shiny...

...and wondering what your life's gonna be, and now...

Well, now you know.

Mom.

Come in here if you wanna talk to me.

Axl, put some pants on.

Okay, maybe it was just a bad picture. I mean, yikes.

Mike, does it ever bum you out that I'm not young and shiny anymore?

Sure, honey, it's a huge bummer. But what are you gonna do?

Oh, shoot, I wanted chips for my lunch.

She didn't buy any.

Sue, grab a pancake. We're late.

That's Sue. She's been going through a bit of an awkward stage...

...for the past 13 years.

Mom, the dryer ate my leg warmers again.

I told you, you can't put wet things in the dryer anymore.

Well, I need them because, guess what? I'm trying out for show choir this week.

I know, I know. That's not an expression parents should have on their faces...

...when their daughter is trying out for something.

But, see, Sue had a long history of things she tried out for.

A long and painful history.

- Show choir? - Mm-hm.

Wow, super. That should be fun to try out for.

Listen, Dad's gonna fix the dryer, but right now I need everybody to go.

Let's get out the door. Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

That driver's license picture was a big wake-up call from the DMV.

Somehow the life had been sucked right out of me.

But who or what had sucked it?

- Mom. - Mom.

- He's not giving me my backpack. Mom. - Mom.

- Mom. - Mom.

We did teach them the word "dad," didn't we?

We're a two-job family.

Mike manages a bunch of boneheads down at the quarry.

Oh, for crying out loud.

My latest job I'm too smart for is selling cars at Orson's last car dealership.

Wow, wow, wow. What a month, huh?

Frankie, don't let him intimidate you. He may be king of sales...

...but he's been rejected by the Elks Lodge twice. I'm not gonna say by who.

It was me.

Really?

I told them that he's a pedophile.

- No. - Yeah, he's not. He's not a pedophile.

- He's not. - Wait, Bob.

This check can't be right.

This is lower than the amount I spent on gas to get here.

Nothing wrong with the check, Frances.

That's your base salary.

That's what it's gonna stay until you sell a car and get a commission.

One week left in the month.

You sell a car, or you may be out on your keister.

Yeah, yeah, I... But, listen...

I mean, my keister's having a little cash-flow problem right now.

I may not have sold a car yet, but I've come real close.

You see that buck up there?

He came real close to not being hit by a bullet. You see what I'm saying?

Did you ever get a new driver's license?

We gotta post them, and that old one didn't look a thing like you.

Oh, yeah. Now, that's you.

I see myself as kind of a matchmaker for people and vehicles.

I have a feeling about you and this little cutie.

Why don't we take it for a test drive...?

Frankie, you have a call on line one.

Your son's school is on line one.

Hurt or just in trouble?

Because if it's just in trouble, can you ask them if I can call them back?

Yeah, this is Frankie Heck. Is everything okay?

- You said you were gonna pick him up. - No, you said you were.

- I even put a Post-it on your thermos. - That what that means?

There's birthday cake in the break room. Angel food.

Feel that? Take a left right here.

Pretty smooth, huh? That's 150 horsepower.

Did I tell you about our recession deals?

Oh, get in the right lane and pull over, pull over, pull over.

Brick. Brick, get in, get in, get in.

Brick, how do you like those seats?

They're amazing.

They also come with optional leather trim and Preferred Suede inserts.

If you buy today, I'll throw the inserts in for free.

Mom, are you crazy? That's a $600 value.

- At least you're still my hero. - Oh, thanks, pal. I made dinner!

- Thank you. - Sure.

Hey, underpants. You think you're too good for us?

We are a family, and we are going to eat together as a family.

This is Dancing with the Stars.

Okay, let's hear about everybody's day.

Mine sucked. Next.

Well, I'm trying to decide what number I should do for my show-choir audition.

- Oh, my God. - What?

Does it matter what song you pick?

- There's no way you'll make it. - Mom?

- Mike. - Axl.

Your brother's trying to say, choose what you want.

Me, I like a quick song. Quick. Leave them wanting more.

Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.

You have a meeting with my teacher Monday.

- What? - It's imperative that you both be there.

Imperative.

Who's he whispering to? I thought I told you to knock that off.

I like it. It soothes me.

Okay, what teacher's meeting? I didn't even get a note.

My God, you're so weird.

- Mom. - Mike.

- Axl. - Well, from what I can tell, it is Monday.

- Okay, we both work Monday. - Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Did I tell you Hank at the quarry found his finger today?

- Oh, really? That's good. - Mom, Dad.

Are you guys disappointed in me, because I never make anything?

Sure, I'm disappointed. This is the 12th thing you've tried out for.

I love not having to go to the events.

I'm thinking maybe I won't try out for show choir...

...if you guys don't think I should.

Of course she shouldn't.

Show choir in Indiana has always been huge.

Next to basketball, its combination of singing...

...and Broadway-caliber choreography...

...is the most cutthroat competition around.

I didn't wanna see her get hurt.

But then I looked at her young and shiny face...

...not beaten down yet by busted dryers and mean bosses with guns.

- Go for it. - Hm?

- You really think so? - No.

Dad?

This could be your year.

Okay. Cool.

We are so screwed.

Brick is a very quirky child. Maybe clinically quirky, even.

We have no idea what you mean.

We knew exactly what she meant.

Happy birthday to you

Mrs. Rettig. Mrs. Rettig, I wanna tell you something funny I did the other day.

Well, that may be because you haven't spent much time here in the classroom.

Are we supposed to? I mean, isn't that the point of school?

Between 8 and 3, he's your problem?

If he eats his napkin at dinner, we don't call you, ask you to come over.

Look, I would love to spend more time here.

But I work. I'm at work right now.

Brick's a very bright boy, but we feel he could benefit...

...from a series of formal tests... - Look.

Brick isn't your typical kid...

...but he is funny and sweet and probably a genius.

He doesn't fit in your cookie-cutter mold. That doesn't mean that he needs fixing.

Our oldest son had a completely pointed head until he was 6.

Like a candy corn.

We got funny looks when we took him to the mall.