Eastbound & Down

Synchro: mpm

This sucks dick I hate swimming!

Oh, just shut up and give me a hand with this shit.

- What the hell are you doing? - What does it look like I'm doing?

- I'm hiding the Jet Ski. - Why are you hiding the Jet Ski?

Because I told Dust... Look...

I can't talk with your tits hanging out like cabbages.

Just give me a hand with this.

Screw you. You threw me into the fucking lake, Kenny.

Now, then. I think your body is awesome.

You got great tits, but I'm concerned about your bill of health.

I'm gonna insist upon you using some sort of protection.

I got a dental dam in the glove compartment of my truck.

- You can just grab that. - What the fuck's a dental dam?

It's a rubber for your mouth. It's not that big of a deal, okay?

And besides, it's not just for my protection.

You don't know what shit I got either.

It's Pakistani.

That's what he told me.

How does somebody manage to get ambushed on a Jet Ski?

I don't know, I guess they jumped them

and rode off with it.

Yeah, but I mean, it's a lake.

There ain't exactly places to sneak up on somebody from.

- You'd need a scuba gear. - I don't know.

Or a snorkel, maybe.

- What's he out there doing? - Actually, I think

he's in training...

... for the majors.

Going back to the majors.

All right, boys.

Let's get back in the baseball, okay? Wayne.

Keep that pistol aimed at the strike zone,

because that is where this bad boy's going.

All right. Fly as I say fly.

Do as I say do. Master and commander.

And the crowd goes crazy.

- Sixty-eight. - What did I tell you, man?

Don't read the readout. That'sy my own private information.

- Why didn't you hit the target? - Because, Dustin Jr.,

at the last moment I decided not to.

I decided to go for that birdbath your dad put there.

I'm trying so hard not to be an asshole to you guys, okay?

Just please work with me here.

I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you guys I'm disappointed with my arm

and how it's trying to butt-fuck me back here.

- I hated that birdbath. - I broke that birdbath for you,

I knew you hated it. We're the same. I hate that fucking thing too.

A stork wrapped around a tree branch.

That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen.

You know, that's how the plague started back in the day.

It's from a little disgusting birdbath in someone's backyard

that rats

made sex to birds in it

and created a whole-new type of AIDS.

It's important. One time I was invited to come to social gathering.

I was paid a handsome amount of money and I brought shotgun and a bottle

and showed those people the best fucking time they've ever seen.

A humongous part about being a celebrity

is cashing in on it, making shitloads of money,

having expensive, luxurious things.

That way, in case one day you're not famous,

you could still be rich as hell and better than everyone around you.

Wait a second, is that Kenny Powers walking in my showroom.

- Quite possibly - How are you doing?

- Who am I speaking to here? - Ashley Schaeffer, BMW.

Damn fine to meet you.

- I take it you own this place. - I sure do.

That's why my name's on that building.

I thought Ashley Schaeffer was gonna be a woman

I love women I'll take that as a compliment.

Take it as you will.

- I will. - You should.

I am. I'm taking it.

- It's a pretty nice showroom. - Thank you. We have a lot of pride.

We've done a lot of work lately. Complete renovations.

We got beautiful cars. Beautiful surroundings.

Beautiful women.

- Yeah, they are pretty. - They're my closers.

And they help people who are

slightly hesitant to buy cars.

So if you happen to be a man, Ashley over there

will suck your dick.

I like how you work.

If you're a woman, Scott will finger you with his penis.

That's the kind of fun and games we have around here.

Oh, you... You get it done?

That was... That's not what you do, not in my neighborhood.

That's what we do around here.

- No, that's not... - That's what we do here.

We're having fun. It's so good to have you in here.

- Well, I'm gonna cut to the chase. - Please, do.

I'm an athlete.

But I'm also a businessman.

You got a classy joint here.

And you're trying to lure costumers in

with a caveman spinning a sign around.

It's actually... It's technically an orangutan.

It seems to me an establishment such as this could go for overhaul

in the advertising spokesman game.

I'm talking about a real celebrity, not some sign-spinning fucking monkey.

I'm talking about goddamn me in the store,

live, uncut, in person.

Bringing in the customers,

- lubing the deals. - Holy shit!

This must be my goddamn fucking lucky day.

First off, Kenny Powers walks into my showroom

and then he says he wants to do personal appearance.

It's goddamn amazing!

Yeah, I got a lot of star power.

I think it would make this night a grand success.

And I think it'll only cost you

two grand.

Yeah, I'm gonna pay you 100 bucks.

You sure you don't wanna maybe meet in the middle somewhere?

How about 200 bucks?

- Two hundred bucks to come... - Two hundred bucks, cash.

- And a blowjob. - Fuck you man.

Fuck you.

I'm just kidding. Bring the fucking ape in here.

Now, part of becoming a professional athlete

is being strong and fit.

Another part is staying strong and fit.

That is a part that I myself am currently involve with.

Example A.

I can stand to lose 4,

maybe 5 pounds to get back in practical game condition.

- No shit. - What did you just say?

Let's do this. I got my two favorite students here.

They're gonna spot me 252 pounds of pure steel.

Let's pump some iron, bitches.

Take this serious, because you can get hurt if you're not strong enough, okay?

Okay. Watch, class.

Masculine strength.

Yeah, help me. Help me out. Okay. All right, back up, back up. Get away.

Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck me!

Spot me, goddamn it! Get it off of me!

Yo, what's happening over here with the babes?

* dance

- A dance? - Would you like to buy a ticket?

All the profits go toward Phillip's hospital bills.

Who the fuck is Phillip?

He's one of our students here. He has brain cancer.

- I've never seen that kid. - "Spina difa", I think it's called.

Whatever the fuck any of that stuff is, I don't know him.

He gets a dance?

No, I'm not going to any depressing shit like that.

Too sensitive.

Kenny, I hate to burst your bubble,

but it looks like your name is on the chaperon list.

I don't know anything about a chaperon list. What is that?

It's right here and it says that you're a teacher supervisor.

Are you asking met to this dance?

I'm not. I'm just saying that your name is on the chaperon list.

Are you asking me to this dance?

When is this dance?

- It's tonight. - Tonight?

You mean, tonight, tonight? Fuck that noise.

I can't do anything tonight I've got some shit set up already.

- What? - I'm hosting a celebrity event tonight.

- Really? - I'm getting paid, like, 15 notes.

Okay, well, if you can't come, you can't come.

Well, you don't have to get upset, I'm sorry I can't go the dance with you.

Guess you'll have to chalk this up to another heartbreak.

Just like back in high school.

How much will you give me if I slam*** the***

- into the trashcan? - Nothing.

- D- Ball, what are you doing, man? - Goddamn it, I'm brushing my teeth.

I need you to give me a ride.

- What's wrong with your truck? - Nothing. I need you to drive me.

Why?

Well, Schaeffer BMW is gonna pay me a shit-ton of money

to make a little celebrity appearance tonight.

And, I don't know. I just felt like it'll be stupid if I drive myself

because I'm famous.

All right. I'll drive you there and you can find your way back.

No, I need you to stay.

That's what drivers do. They don't just drive you there and then drive off.

If you're gonna do this, you're gonna have to do it the full way.

I might even need you to wear a uniform.

Forget it.

Look, no one's gonna look down on you because you drove yourself.

Now, close the door. Get the fuck out of here.

What's up with them yellow towels? Those things are pretty...

Give me that, motherfucker.

I saw your dick.

Give me that toilet paper, Kenny.

Come on, you wanna give me a ride? You wanna be my personal chauffeur ?

- I got enough. - That's not enough.

I smelled that. You're gonna need more than that.

You have crossed the line. Give me the toilet paper now!

Fine.