Shrinking

I just wanted to talk to you. I know we've had some,

you know, awkward passings.

Anyway, I'm going back to school soon

and we haven't really hung out this summer.

So I didn't know if you maybe wanted to grab dinner sometime?

Yeah, I don't think so. Sorry.

But have a good school year.

Thanks.

Mr. Laird. Did you see that?

Connor? Hey.

No. I was just up here thinking about re-sanding this banister.

'Cause I don't want anybody to get splinters, you know?

Fuck. Goddamn it.

Connor will bounce back, right?

From, "Have a good school year"? Zero chance.

- Not cool, kid. - Got it.

So...

So, Daughter, I've been wanting to talk to you about something.

I had a surprise visitor at the office...

Can you tell me later?

Sorry. I just have my driver's test in, like, an hour

and I'm really stressed about my license photo.

I know I wanna smile,

but I can't decide whether to do mouth closed. Or barely open.

It's like two completely different people.

Hey, there she is.

Well, who's ready for a big adult milestone?

Me, I guess.

Unless I fail. Then I'm... Then it's over. It's over.

Hey, even if you do, it'll be okay.

You don't remember this,

but you failed at toilet training until you were, like, five.

Now look at ya. Pooping in potties like a pro.

Nice.

Oh, my God.

See you later, Dad.

Thanks for taking her. Apparently, I make her too nervous.

I owe you one.

Letting me spy on you off my balcony is payment enough.

Spying on me from your balcony, it's invasive and it's pretty creepy.

Especially with the smile.

Understood.

Still gonna do it though.

You know I love those.

What are you wearing your sex boxers at work for, you little freak?

Dress for the job you want.

Wow. You'd better slow that down.

Don't hurt nobody.

- We are now processing that application. - Thanks.

Tell me more about this job you want.

- You want scratchies? - Hey, Paul.

Whoops.

It's all good.

We should add it to our sign out front.

"Rhoades Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Center...

Our doctors fuck."

Wait a minute. All right.

That makes it seem like we have sex with our patients, which we don't.

At least I don't.

That is not funny.

Paul, I want to assure you I have not had full penetration with any of the patients.

Wonderful.

Did you get a chance to tell Alice about our visitor?

I have not. No. I can't find the right way in.

Yesterday, she broke a mug and I almost said,

"Don't worry, sweetie. It's just an accident.

Speaking of accidents, remember the one your mom was in?

The guy who killed her came by."

- Smooth. - Yeah.

I gotta nail this 'cause it's really gonna rattle her.

Rattled you too.

Did it? I guess I never really thought about it.

Gosh, you're good.

Yes, it rattled me, Paul. But I'm stronger than you think.

Good news if true.

Hey, Dr. Rhoades. I just came early because I wanted to steal a protein bar.

And another one for later.

And another one to sell.

See you there in a second.

Oh, man.

Hey, what's wrong, boo boo?

My caseload is full, and I picked up Sean.

Unfortunately, I have to drop someone.

- Not Raymond. He's your favorite. - I don't have favorites.

Please. We all have favorites. Mine is Annie.

The one who slept with her mom's boyfriend just to prove he was a cheater.

Uh-huh. I love that messy bitch.

I don't love Ray.

- It's just unfortunate... - Ray.

that the one client who's equipped to move on

- is the one that I... - Crush on?

- Wanna be bros with? - Wanna "big-spoon-little-spoon" with?

You guys wanna power walk together with tiny dumbbells.

Share a rotisserie chicken from Costco.

I can't believe you're dumping me.

Ray, you've been doing so well for so long.

And I've got this kid who could really use my help.

Kid? Knew it.

He's probably messed up in all kinds of young, exciting ways, right?

At this point, you're just paying me to shoot the shit.

- I feel like I'm robbing you. - I know. That's why I take protein bars.

Truth is, we've been through a lot together.

My dad's death, my divorce,

that month I tried an English accent.

Can we at least still be friends? Maybe get a beer sometime?

Ray, it wouldn't be appropriate.

I'm strict about boundaries.

Okay. Well, at least admit that you're gonna miss me.

I will. Very much.

Since we're not gonna be friends...

can I have some of my money back, guv?

Don't end it like this.

No tea? No crumpets?

How come Gaby got a thank-you note for her wedding gift and I did not?

Because you didn't get us a gift.

I made a donation in your names to the Pasadena Animal Rescue.

- As I said, you did not get us a gift. - Oh, my God.

And cardio burst.

Speaking of ew, I gotta stop bonking Jimmy.

- Good. We're back here again. - I know. I'm so pathetic.

But, like, you know, I'm strong. I can handle shit. You know?

I was married to a heroin addict. I helped him get clean.

You know I wax myself too?

- Why? - I don't even look away when I do it.

I look right down the barrel of this bad boy.

You know, I can hold my pee for 48 hours.

That's too long, Gaby.

I know. But for some reason, I can't quit this basic-ass man.

Don't look at me.

I've tried everything except knocking his dick out of your mouth.

- Okay, hi. - I need help.

You'll stop fucking Jimmy when you're ready. Back me up, Brian.

Yeah. Honestly,

the main thing I think is how come no one told me you were fucking Jimmy?

What? Our Jimmy? No. Gross.

- I guess I could see it. - Yeah.

How long has this been going on?

Since he puked all over himself at your engagement party.

- Yeah, engagement party. - Since my engagement?

You know what? Fuck Jimmy for not telling me.

And fuck you, Gaby.

Fuck you too, Liz.

Fuck rescue dogs. That's right. Fuck hiking.

Fuck that headband.

Actually, I like that headband.

He's supposed to be my best friend.

My best friend!

Fuck all of you!

Fuck you, red shirt. You too, leggings. Fuck this whole mountain!

Honestly, that made it all worth it.

- Agreed. Do you wanna look for rocks? - No.

Test didn't go great.

She knocked over a few cones and she scraped a mailbox.

And those dummies passed me anyway!

Yes! Congratulations.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm gonna dump my stuff and we'll celebrate.

Wherever we go, I'm driving. And I'm taking your car.

You got it.

Speaking of cars, do you remember what happened to your mom in one?

Goddamn it!

- What? - I'm sorry.

I was... I've been trying to find a way in. That was not it.

Sweetie, the other driver from your mom's accident

came to my office.

Holy shit. When?

Last week.

Last week? And you're just telling me now?

I'm sorry.

What did he want?

I don't know. To talk, probably. It doesn't matter.

I told him to leave and then he did.

Hey, you okay?

I guess. I don't know.

- Same here. - Yeah.

You wanna talk about it?

No, not yet. But I'm really glad you told me.

Yeah. Pretty smooth.

- Okay, I'm gonna go get ready. - Okay. I love you.

"Speaking of cars"?

Derek, what do I have to do

to get you to stop spying on me?

Probably move.

He emerges from his cave. My man.

You okay, sweetie?

I can't stop thinking about Alice.

- I... - It's an emotional pain,

but my whole body hurts.

- Oh, Bubba, I get it. I love you. - Love you.

So whiny. How long do we have to live like this?

- Mom? - Yeah, sweetie?

Could you make me French toast?

Coming right up.

He's the worst. Kill me now.

You are such a good mom.

- Dude, go make us French toast. - Coming right up.

Hey, I'm going to brunch with Summer. I said you'd pay for it

because you felt guilty about being weird yesterday.

You're correct.

We're not going to brunch in the '80s.