Still Up

You got your keys, right?

Yeah. Yeah, got them.

Hey.

Ah, there you are. Thought you might be asleep for a second.

Nope. Still up, as always.

How's the, uh, sleep app working?

Well... ...I tried it again the other night.

The fella's meant to talk you to sleep, right? But his voice is so sexy,

I started fantasizing about him rescuing me from a burning oil rig.

Which, you know, is great but useless if you're an insomniac.

Have you ever tried them?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Hypnotism, acupuncture, none of it works.

I bought a book online

called One Thousand and One Sleep Cures and Remedies. Rubbish.

It's full of crap. Like, wear a hat full of lavender.

Listen to a recording of someone else sleeping.

Only inhale through one nostril.

Sleep on a soft mattress. Sleep on a hard mattress.

Get the soft mattress on top of the hard mattress.

Then sleep on them both.

Pray to a Norse god. Ignore your eyes.

No. All right, look,

I may have made a couple of those up, but, you know.

Sorry, I didn't listen to a word you just said.

Danny, why are you crawling around in the dark?

- You know my neighbor? - What, the pussy person?

- The Cat Man. - You like that?

For some unfathomable reason, he invited me to his cat's birthday party.

Oh, how old is it?

Oh, it's 17. We all chipped in and got it driving lessons.

Anyway...

... I had to come up with an excuse for why I couldn't attend,

and in hindsight, I went a little bit overboard.

Why? What'd you tell him?

I was going on a month-long sabbatical staying at every Disneyland in the world.

- Why did you tell him that? - Never been. Always wanted to.

Thought now would be a good time to go.

But you never even go out.

Yeah, I know. There are flaws to my logic.

And now he thinks I'm away.

He's having the party on my patio. It's been going on for hours.

Right, so is that your plan for the next month?

Every time he's outside, you're just gonna crawl around in the dark?

Yeah. I'm committed now.

And, on the bright side, think of all the money I'll save on light bulbs.

Why don't you just pull the curtains?

I don't have any.

And if I get some and I put them up and he sees them, he'll think,

"Where did those curtains come from?" And he'll know I'm in.

So it's like a catch-22.

Hmm. Just a thought.

What are you gonna do about food?

Or is Adam across the hall still doing your shopping for you?

No, I had to make him believe I'm in Disneyland too.

You know what he's like.

If he knew the truth, he'd spill the beans to the whole building in 30 seconds.

- Yeah. - Look, it's fine.

I feel fine. I feel good. I'm just gonna live off what's in the flat, which is...

A jar of mayonnaise and a variety pack of Frosties.

Ah. Yeah, I-- I didn't think this through properly, did I?

This is one of those times where being able to go outside

- might be quite useful. - Would it? Thank you.

Well, I can't help it. And now I'm hungry. I'm-- I'm gonna have to order a pizza.

Uh, Cat Man, deliveries.

Hiding from someone is so complicated.

I'm gonna risk it.

I'll use it as a dummy run, see if it's possible.

Cat Man can't stay out there forever.

Right. One anchovy and pineapple.

Ew, anchovy and pineapple?

Absolutely. On the way. Where are you?

Late-night chemist.

Poppy's chicken pox.

She is still scratching herself like a little baboon,

and we've run out of Peridyne.

And on top of that, most of her class has now come down with it.

Parents' WhatsApp has been going nuts all week. I feel terrible.

Why do you feel terrible?

Remember how I said ...

- Oh. - ... I didn't take Poppy on the school trip

- because of her chicken pox? - What's wrong, Mummy?

Nothing's wrong.

- Yeah, we'll be going in a minute. - Mummy!

I've just gotta make something first.

Mmm.

Well, I kind of did.

There. Now you really look like a sheep.

- Baa! - Baa.

There was no way I was gonna bail.

What, and let Zach's bitchy mum get one over on me again?

Everything okay there?

Yeah, fine.

It's just how we do it at home.

We had lasagna last night. Total chaos.

I could tell she was getting suspicious, but I totally got away with it.

Hmm.

Crafty. And, you know, morally questionable.

Don't you start. Ooh, I saw this ad for some new pills called Snoozers.

Extra strength for proper insomniacs.

I should see if I can get some in here.

No, don't. They don't knock you out.

They just make everything taste like cabbage.

Apart from cabbage, which, you know, already has that slightly cabbage-y taste.

But you know what I'm gonna say, don't you?

No, can we please go one night without having this conversation?

I'm not going with you to a sleep clinic.

Go on.

No. People with clipboards watching me kip?

When I sleep, I don't like an audience.

Also, what if, um, you know--

What if when I'm snoozing...

I-- I touch myself?

I mean, do you touch yourself when you sleep?

I don't know, but judging by how much I do when I'm awake,

I wouldn't be ruling it out.

Anyway, wouldn't, you know, Veggie mind you spending the night with me?

I doubt it. He just thinks of you as one of the girls. You know,

basically a lady.

Does he? Well, that's nice to know.

Oh, hang on. Veggie's calling. I'll call you back.

Hi, Veg.

Panic over. She is asleep,

and I am the best stepdad ever.

How did you manage that?

Uh, I just read to her.

Oh, well, I tried that. What'd you read?

- Oh, well, you know, just, um... - ... The History of Bricks .

Sorry, what?

The History of Bricks.

- Why are you reading that now? - For Saturday.

- Oh, yeah, the brick thing. - Yeah, you know me.

Preparation is everything.

Plus, it's actually really interesting.

Currently learning about the brick Gothic period of the 12th century.

All right. Well, as long as you're happy.

Please don't leave me.

Did you get the itchy medicine?

Uh, no. I'm waiting for the pharmacist.

That's fine. I still have seven more chapters to go.

All right. Well, let me know how it ends.

Well, I-- I don't think there's really a story as such--

You were joking, weren't you?

Little bit, yeah. Do you want me to bring you something home?

- You could always surprise me. - Hmm.

Okay. Challenge accepted. I'll text you when I'm on my way home.

- Okay. Bye-bye. - All right, bye!

Okay, where were we?

All good?

Yeah, it's all fine. Oh, knee supports. Perfect.

- I'll get him one of these. - Oh, yeah.

- He's doing a brick-athlon on the weekend. - What's a brick-athlon?

It's like a triathlon. You run, swim and cycle.

But at the end, you have to build a small wall.

Impressive.

Have you been served yet?

No. There's no one behind the counter. Must be out the back.

Well, do yourself a favor. Get their attention. Shout.

No. I hate that. It's rude.

- What? - Shut up.

You shut up. I didn't say anything. What are you doing?

It's Zach's mum.

Oh.

- Lisa. Hi. - Kate, oh, my God. This is so weird.

Ah.

- Were you hiding from me? - Hiding? God, no.

No, why would I-- Why would you th-- No.

Definitely wasn't hiding, no.

Zach has chicken pox.

- Mmm. - Oh, no. Aw--

- How's Poppy, by the way? - Um...

She didn't wanna take that mask off, did she?

No. She wanted her portrayal of the sheep to be as-- as accurate as possible.

She's so method these days.

Mm-hmm.

So I take it that bottle of calamine lotion you're holding

is for something else?

Uh... ...yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it is. Absolutely. Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

- Well, I should be getting back. - Okay.

Where's the pharmacist?

I don't know. I've just been waiting here.

- Well, have you shouted? - That's a good idea.

- Uh, no, I didn't wanna-- - Hello?

Hello?

Well... ...looks like we'll just have to wait it out.

- Mmm. - Together.

- Maybe I can buy this for you? - Why would you offer to do that?

Well, I just think us mums should stick together. You can get the next round.

Okay. Well... ...thanks.

Y-Yeah.

Sorry, ca-- can I talk now?

I have got to get out of here.

I cannot run into any more parents of children I might have infected.

Hello? Mr. Pharmacist?

Mrs. Pharmacist?

- Anyone? - Well, how about this?

Take the lotion and leave the money.

I can't do that. I've only got a card.

Well, do you know how to use a card machine?