The Office

Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore.

I got Jim's old job,

which means at my 10-year high school reunion,

it will not say, "Ryan Howard is a temp."

It will say, "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate"

"at a mid-range paper supply firm."

That'll show them.

You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.

Me, too.

I think we're just drunk.

No, I'm not drunk.

Are you drunk? No.

Jim.

You're really going to marry him?

Okay.

Jim is gone.

He's gone. I miss him so much.

I cry myself to sleep. Jim.

False. I do not miss him.

No. That is the fun of this place.

I call everybody faggy. Why would anyone find that offensive?

Okay. I think Oscar would just like it if you used lame or something like that.

That's what faggy means.

No, not really. Oh.

Apparently you called Oscar faggy.

Yeah.

For liking the movie Shakespeare in Love more than an action movie.

It wasn't just an action movie, it was Die Hard.

All right, Michael, but Oscar's really gay.

Exactly. I mean for real.

Yeah, I know.

No. He's attracted to other men.

Okay. Little too far. Crossed the line.

Okay. I am telling you,

Oscar is an actual homosexual.

Yeah. He told me this morning.

And obviously he hopes he can count on your discretion.

I would have never called him that if I knew.

You don't call retarded people retards.

It's bad taste.

You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded.

And I consider Oscar a friend.

Listen, man, I am so sorry. I had no idea.

Oh, it's fine. It's okay. It's okay. No. No.

It's okay. No, it's not. I just... I feel terrible about it.

I have been calling people faggy since I was in junior high,

and I have never made this mistake.

If I don't know how to behave,

it is because I am just so far the opposite way.

You know? I'm just...

I... I can't even imagine the thing...

Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime and you could tell me

how you do that to another dude.

That sounds like a great, wonderful idea. Let's do that.

It explains so much.

No. I'm not gay.

And I don't understand why anyone would think that I'm gay if...

Yeah, I'm gay.

I can't say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir,

but I can assure you that it is certainly not more flammable.

Why did I transfer to Stamford?

I think that's pretty obvious.

I got promoted.

And you can't beat that view, right?

Hey, Big Tuna, you're single, right?

Yeah, I am.

Pretty hot, huh?

She's completely crazy.

Steer clear, Big Tuna.

Head for open waters.

Okay. Okay.

I ate a tuna sandwich on my first day, so Andy started calling me Big Tuna.

I don't think any of them actually know my real name.

Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy,

you know, cut your throat to get ahead type of guy.

But, I mean, I'm not threatened by him.

I went to Cornell. You ever heard of it?

I graduated in four years, I never studied once,

I was drunk the whole time

and I sang in the a cappella group Here Comes Treble.

So, end of day, we are going to have a little diversity policy freshener,

because of some more problems at the Scranton branch.

And I have a list of business start-ups I got from the chamber.

Yes. I am going to need someone to cold call them.

Oh, I can do that.

Jim's nice enough.

I don't know how well he's fitting in here.

He's always looking at the camera, like this.

What is that?

Can you tell who's gay and who is not? Of course.

What about Oscar?

Absolutely not. Well, he is.

Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so...

There could be others.

I need to know. I don't want to offend anybody else.

You could assume everyone is and not say anything offensive.

Yeah.

I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.

Hey, what about Angela?

She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman.

I really don't think so. I don't know.

I can imagine her with another woman, can't you?

Do some research.

Find out if there's a way to tell by just looking at them.

Jim told me you could buy gaydar online.

That's ridiculous. Yeah. Probably.

He didn't tell the truth a lot.

Let's call him and get the website. Definitely.

What's gaydar?

Oh, oh, gaydar, yes! No, I think they have it at Sharper Image.

Oh, you know what? I can check for you.

No problem.

It's sold out.

Yeah. Sorry about that. That's a bummer.

They're sold out. Damn.

I'll try Brookstone.

I miss that.

Chicken or fish?

Chicken.

So, you having a good day? Excellent. Thanks.

Good. I'm glad.

Okay.

Yeah, I didn't go through with the wedding.

I got cold feet a few days before,

and I can't really explain it.

I just had to get out of that relationship.

We still had to pay for all the food, so we froze it.

But I'm doing well.

I have my own apartment and I'm taking art classes.

And I have lunch for the next five weeks.

After Pam dumped me,

I kind of stopped taking care of myself for a while there,

and I hit bottom when I had a drunk driving arrest.

Yeah, I've been working out and, you know,

I'm not going to take her for granted.

I got to win her back.

I got them a toaster.

They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me.

I tried to return the toaster to the store and they said

they no longer sold that kind of toaster.

So now my house has got two toasters.

It is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you.

Yes, I am super cool.

I am an accountant

at a failing paper supply company in Scranton.

Much like Sir Ian McKellen.

Sure, sometimes I watch Will & Grace and I want to throw up.

It's terribly loud.

I do like it sometimes when Harry Connick Jr. is on.

He's so talented.

Okay,

who put my calculator in JELL-O?

Good one.

But, seriously, guys, who did this?

Seriously, guys. Who did this?

I need to know who put my calculator in JELL-O

or I'm going to lose my freaking mind!

You know, it's amazing to me that in this day and age,

you can be so obtuse about sexual orientation.

I watch The I Word, okay? JAN: Good. Good.

I watch Queer as... so...

That's not what it's called.

Okay, Michael, are you aware that you outed Oscar today?

What? What does that even...

Coming out is a significant moment for a gay person.

And they should be allowed to select the timing

and manner of announcing it.

Well, gay pride, right?

Gay pride parade.

It's not, like, gay shame festival.

All right, now Oscar's feeling discriminated against by his co-workers,

primarily Angela, and that's your fault.

I think Angela might be gay.