Down Terrace

Well, that's that then.

Let's get a cab. I can't face the walk.

Reporter:... situated on the outskirts of the city

on the first day of a week long series

of special reports from Iraq

to mark the fifth anniversary of the Allied invasion.

Five years on we've commissioned the most comprehensive survey

of the Iraqi people ever undertaken,

and it seems like the nation

is deeply pessimistic about the future.

The people are concerned over the continued rise in violence

and about the remaining deep divides

in their society.

Garvey's here.

Hey, big Bill!

Can't keep a good man down, can they?

- Nice to see you, mate. - Yeah, you too.

Karl, make us some tea, will you?

I've gotta get out of this monkey suit.

Eh, full acquittal though, yeah?

- Get in! Come here. - Thanks, man.

I knew it was bollocks. They'd never make that stick, would they?

It's a fucking waste of the taxpayers' money.

Tell you what, it should be legalized anyway, shouldn't it?

- Yeah. Anyway, do you want some tea? - Yeah.

Maggie, would you make Garvey some tea, please?

Oh!

Jesus Christ, it's like a fucking noose!

Undo the knot. Come here.

- You're just tightening it. - Fucking get it off me, man!

Calm down. Just let us have a look.

How long has he been here, Maggie?

- He's had a sandwich. - The disgusting fat locust.

He's not fat. He's got big bones, Bill.

Well, he's peasant stock, isn't he?

Now, you know, it's all beer and armchairs and TVs,

and they're just a load of slobs. It sickens me.

His dad was a moron as well.

Good to see a friendly face.

I thought I'd pop in, make sure you're all right.

Tough four months for you boys, I'd imagine.

I just thought I'd come and put your mind at rest.

Everything's running smoothly.

I knew it was all in safe hands.

Well, I'll pop to the little boys' room.

Hey, you've put on a bit of weight there, Garv.

- I don't think so. - I think you're getting a little bit heavier.

Yeah, I can see it on the sides-- like handles.

Right, thanks.

- ( door opens, closes ) - Maggie: Hello, Eric.

Thanks.

- Boys. - Karl: Eric.

They gave you cake for the way out, did they?

Karl: Oh, yeah.

- Bill: All right, Eric? - Yeah, I'm all right. You?

- Yeah, not too bad now. - Looks like a slab of concrete.

Bill: Yeah. Ah, it's all right.

A little bit stale. Taste's a bit like petrol, but it's okay.

Looks like a dog's crapped on it. Look at it.

Garvey: I quite liked it.

- I thought it was all right. - Oh, it's all right.

Karl: If you swill it down with enough tea,

it'll be getting there, you know.

Eric: Well, don't break your teeth on it.

Where'd you get it?

I got it from the shop at the end of the road.

- Those Pakis are thieves, man. - You shouldn't say that--

Pakis-- anymore, should you?

- What's someone from Afghanistan? - Uh, Afghani.

- There you go. - Yeah, that's true.

- Brain of Britain. - Karl: Yeah.

This needs painting over, Maggie.

Yeah, everything's a mess here.

We can't be too conspicuous. That's the golden rule.

I wouldn't want a new house. They've always got problems.

You can't trust builders.

This situation needs sorting out, tidying up.

Yeah. Like someone close in, obviously.

Yeah.

Well, it's an informant culture, isn't it?

- Listen, about that money... - Don't worry about that now.

- That's good of you, Garv. - That's all right.

- I'll sort it out next week. - No sweat.

- I'll bring it round to your house. - Or down the club.

- Yeah, okay. Thanks, man. - It's only money, isn't it?

- Eric: Any beer about? - Only what you brought, mate.

I thought this was meant to be a big party.

Well, I'll pop down the offy. Who wants what?

Get us some whiskey, some wine and some beer.

And some matches or a lighter.

- No, a lighter. - All right.

- ( Bill sighs ) - Okay.

Oh, fuck's sake.

Where's Garvey getting the booze from?

- Bill: Just the offy over the road. - Valda's coming round.

- Bill: Who's coming over? - Valda's coming round.

Ah. That's his new bird.

Is it?

Karl: I've been going out with her for a year.

Bill: He's not been going out with her for a year at all.

How long have you actually known her?

- I haven't seen her in about six months. - He hasn't seen her.

- How long did you go out for? - About a year-- 10 months.

Eric: I thought I heard she done one.

She did, but she just rung up. She's coming round.

Eric: Maybe she's pregnant.

Bill: Yeah, that's--

that's extremely unlikely.

I fast for January.

No to poisons, no to drugs, no food.

I only allow myself tea.

- Karl: And whiskey. - Fucking hell, Bill.

- I feel like a teenage tantric Superman. - Yeah, so do I.

Bill: I'm a simple person.

I like to reconnect to the essentials.

Go on. Come on.

Come on, Eric, you're strong,

you big-boned bastard.

This is like tempered steel. Come on.

You do it to me, then I'll do it to you.

- Come on! - Eric: Bad-tempered steel.

Come on, Eric, I'll let you have a go.

- Come on, then. - Let's have it.

- Looks like a crossover. - Go on, take a dig.

- Take a fucking dig, Eric! - Feel that.

- It's soft as shite. - Oh, you bastard!

I forgot to pick the kids up.

- Bill: Oh, a man out of time. - Shit.

- Eric: What's happened? - ( phone vibrating )

Oh, that's them outside now.

I'd better go.

Bill: Who's out there?

- Karl: It's his missus. - Bill: Is she coming in?

No no no. I'd better go.

I gotta feed the kids and that, but--

Is that Helen? I ain't seen her in years.

Yeah yeah. We gotta go.

Well, uh, nice one. Well done and everything.

- Yeah, well done. - Cheers, Garv.

Yeah, see you later.

See you, Maggie.

See you, everyone.

Cheers, Garv. Have a good one, mate.

She looks absolutely furious.

Bill: Give 'em a kiss for me, Garv.

Eric: She's fit-- his missus, mate.

- Hoo-hoo. - Karl: That's his old missus.

His new missus is like a hippo-croco-pig.

- Eric: A bit shortsighted. - Looks a bit like him in a lady mirror.

Bill: A female version of Garvey. Can you imagine it?

Give us one of those beers. Oh, these are from Garvey.

- Good old Garvin, eh? - Bill: Yeah, cheers.

- What a little superstar. - Eric: He's shaken 'em up, hasn't he?

He's totally fucking depth-charged me.

Why don't you just pour it over the carpet?

- ( urinating ) - Karl. Oi.

- Yeah? Hello, mate. - Come here, I've got something to show you.

Hold on a second.

By the way, when are you coming back to work?

Soon. Just got to be a bit careful, that's all.

Well, you need to hurry up.

I'm running round like a blue-ass fly.

This thing don't run itself, you know?

- Everything's going all right though, yeah? - Yeah.

A bit of trouble in Whitehawk, but otherwise shway shway.

- Sweet. - Come on out.

I've got something to show you.

You are coming back to work, aren't you?

- Yeah, I told you. I'm coming in. - ( toilet flushes )

So I don't have to run this whole bloody operation by myself.

Get in there. I've got something to show you.

- They're not gonna come up, are they? - Doubt it.

Oh, fucking hell! It's gone right through the lining on my jacket.

- What's that, Eric? - A fucking gun, mate.

- Got it off Don the Gun. - Fuck off.

That looks totally real, man.

It is fucking totally real. What are you talking about?

- You serious? - It's a real gun, yeah.

- I just bought it for 200 quid. - ( gun clicking )

Are you serious? This is a real shooter?

Yeah, it's a real shooter. I just bought it.

I just told you. I need it, don't I?

- What, you never seen a fucking gun before? - Eric, Eric,

are you out of your fucking mind, mate?

What?

- Put it away and take it home. - All right, all right.

Well, he's not going to see it, is he?

I've just got my-- I've just got my prints all over a gun.

Oh, for fuck's sake. What are you, paranoid or what?

What do you mean? I've just come back from court.

- ( sniffing ) - ( laughing ) Oh, for Christ's sake, mate.

- What's up with you? - Has this been fired?

Don't know. Didn't ask.

- Mate... - ( fabric rubbing )

Look, give it to me. I'll do that.

- Come on-- - No, I'll do it. Thanks very much, Eric.

It don't mean the old Bill are going to come

straight round now, are they?

Put it away. I don't want to see it again.

Was he always such an unctuous little prick--