House of Fools

Yes!

There he goes, ascending the stairs - Look! -

with some sense of urgency. Right, do you remember the plan?

Yeah. We grab him, we cut his head off,

put him in a bag and then shove him in the reservoir.

No, no, we dropped that plan.

Oh, no, I remember. We pin him down, we plant a rosebush up his arse

and feed him phostrogen till it blooms.

No, no, that was just me blowing off steam.

Think "birthday". It's his birthday.

Yeah, and...? You've organised a surprise party for him.

Yeah, and he mustn't know about it.

And there's a surprised woman coming.

Well, no, there's not a "surprised" woman.

Bob'll be surprised when he finds out who the woman is.

Who is it?

It's Erik's mum, Erika. She's coming over from Norway.

Ah, does Bob still fancy her then?

Oh, I dunno, I never really thought to ask.

Anyway, look, here he comes descending the stairs

with a much more relaxed look on his face.

Pretend you've forgotten his birthday.

Ta-da! Two, three, four!

What? I'll tell you what, I'll run that tableau past you once more, OK?

Ta-da! Two, three, four!

You all right? Do you actually know what day it is today?

Day of the Jackal, Day the Earth Stood Still - I dunno. Darren Day!

No, it's my birthday... two, three four, whoa!

Oh, yeah, no, we agreed to forget about that a minute ago. Yeah. What?

Oh, well maybe it's a good thing actually,

when I think back to what happened last year!

Yeah, so if you're forgetting me birthday,

I suppose you haven't got me a present, have you?

Not even the tricycle that I kept dropping hints about?

Don't laugh at my tricycle.

Father, I have remembered it's your birthday and have a present for you.

Ah, he's got me one. Thank you, Erik.

No, no touching.

Here it is.

Wow, it's massive!

Well, go on, open it then.

OK. I wonder what it is.

A missile, something like that?

It's your coffin.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ha...

..ha ha, and so on.

Yeah, and so on. No, I like it, it's nice.

I mean, it's the thought that counts, Erik.

Yes, and my thought was you've been shot.

With the Uzi - phrrrrrrrrrrrr...phrrrrrrr...

..shushuk...oooooooooh - buph!

"Oh, oh, I can't see. Oh, oh, oh, oh!

"I didn't know it would end like this."

No, I understand the thought that you've had there, Erik.

Well, no, I mean, at least you got me a present.

I thought that Vic might've woke me up this morning and given me one, you know?

Well, that's disgusting!

No, oh, Erik.

Urrrggh!

Right, you two. You're not going to ruin me birthday!

It's not going to happen.

I've baked my own cake, I've bought a present for myself

and I'm going to open it in peace here in the kitchen.

Go on, out you go. Go on. Go on.

Right, where did I hide that present?

Go away, cock face! Get in your coffin and die.

Erik, Erik, it's not your dad. It's me, Vic.

Oh, hey, Vic. Hi.

You look great, man. Thanks.

Do you want to come in and bounce around for a bit?

Maybe shoot the shit?

Ooh, well, not really, no thanks, Erik, not today.

I don't really want to shoot any shits.

I just came to tell you

that your mam's coming over from Norway for Bob's birthday.

The trawler woman? Yeah.

That's a terrible idea.

She's even worse than him.

If she asks about me, just tell her that I'm dead.

Oh, come on, she can't be as bad as all that. Can't she?

You don't know her, do you?

Right, where did I hide that present?

There's my cake out,

now warmer... warmer...

Red hot!

I remember...

Yes!

Oh! Golden cymbals.

Protect me ear.

Birthday boy!

Nice coffin, that. Yeah, he'll look nice in that, won't he?

Is Erik Bob's only child?

Yeah. Oh, no! There was another one,

but he was one of them Benjamin Button types.

He's, like, born fully grown,

then four days later he just disappeared down the plughole.

Some people say he's still there,

all tangled up...

with the hairballs and the Vosene.

Is this a lie? Yeah.

Go on, tell us about Erik's mam then.

Well... it was in Norway.

It was in the '90s. Nice and hot then.

That was the decade - the '90s.

It was a cold, dark winter's night.

Bob was driving around Norway in a covered carriage

displaying a creature that he'd captured in the Congo.

He pulled up at the side of the road

to let the creature out for a piss.

He drove it out using his special whip.

The creature came out of the covered carriage

and was startled by the brightness of the harvest moon.

Nyuuuurrrrhhhhh...

..it cried.

And he whipped it again with his special whip.

Shut up!

Shout yer mouth, will you?

He tethered the creature to a really strong nail,

then Bob sat down to have his evening meal of a mint Aero,

and as the first bubble hit his palate,

he heard the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard in his life.

Yes? Is this a lie?

Yeah.

He was just driving around selling air conditioning units.

Here he comes now walking towards us

with a look on his face that doesn't suggest love. Huh.

All right? I was just telling Bosh about how you met Erik's mother.

Erik's mum? Oh, don't mention her. Especially not on me birthday.

She's a psychopath!

She had this boathook that she used to attack me with.

What are you laughing at? It ain't funny!

What? I don't... It's quite funny.

And I remember once, she made me dress up in an elephant costume,

balance a pork pie on the end of me trunk,

and parade around in front of all the other trawlermen in the market.

I sometimes think, you know, if she ever tracked me down -

I'd just get ahead of it and just like slit me throat...

sllllttt...sssshhhh!

Or take out me gastric band, you know...

oourrfff - bing!

Boing...boing... Boinnnng.

All right, Beef? Somebody ill?

No, Erik got it for me. Hey, I like your watch!

It's a spray watch.

I got it off a gypsy lover of mine.

Must be special. It is.

If you press this button, it's weedkiller.

That button - antihistamine.

No, sorry, THAT button antihistamine, that one weedkiller.

Beef... Do you know it's me birthday today? I do.

I have a present for you. Present for me!

Yeah, what is it? It's an advert I made in Africa in 1972.

Would you like to watch it?

What, a VHS of you poncing around in Africa in 1972?

No, I don't, actually.

I'll have a look. I want to see it. Oh, go on, then.

Put it on.

Here it comes. Right, you lot, I'm going up to have me birthday bath.

Keep it quiet, yeah?

When did you film this? '72.

I say, I'm going upstairs to have me birthday bath.

Keep it nice and quiet, yeah?

There it is, look...

What the hell is that washing-up liquid you're using, darling?

Just a cheap one I got on special offer. You idiot!

That won't shift that ground-in mutton.

Use this, you stupid cow.

Lord Shiftits scouring pad gets to the heart of the mutton.

I know, darling. I'm intolerable. Yes, you are. Don't be a moron!

Use Lord Shiftits scouring pads.

It gets...

That was brilliant.

How much did you get paid for doing that? Not a penny.

I was paid in lambada lessons. Ooh! And mescaline. Oh, nice.

The party starts in half an hour.

You go off and get your clobber on, and don't forget the booze.

Yeah, but what about the food?

There's a pig upstairs in the bathroom. Is there? Yeah.

But promise me this. When you're done with it, can I ride it?

Yeah, I'll have it all saddled up and ready for you when you come back.

Oh, God! Excuse me, what is that in the bath?

Right, I'm off. It's a pig.

Yes, but what's it doing in me bath? How should I know what it's doing?

I'm not psychic. Oh! It's my pig. What about it, you twat?

No, no, it's all right. Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob. Forget about the pig.

Forget about it. All right.

I'll make sure you get the best birthday bath

a man could ever wish for.

So how's it going then, son? It's great.

It might be me best birthday bath ever. Thank you. Thank you, yeah.

Is the water all right, warm enough? Yeah, I reckon. Try yourself.

A-diddle-iddle-iddle. Ooh, cheeky!

Hey, how about some nice aromatherapy oil?

Oh, yeah, go on. Yeah?

For me birthday? Here we are, look. Yeah, look here.

Mmm, that's nice, isn't it? Ooh.

Oh, you can tell it's expensive stuff, Vic.

Yeah, I got it in the Town Centre. Ooh, Town Centre?

It will have cost a fortune.

Yeah, not like that cheap stuff you get on the outskirts.