Sirens

You know who I got a thing for?

The new anchor on Action News.

Oh, little blonde girl. She's cute.

Yeah, plus I get an idea that she'd be nice behind the scenes.

Like, the crew would love her. You know what I mean?

Do you know who I got a thing for?

- Who? - The new sports guy on W.G.N.

That guy? I don't think he's gay, dude.

Oh, he's gay.

- How do you know? - He knows.

He's the dick whisperer.

- - Yes, I am.

Besides, I slept with him last week.

Shut up!

All right, you two. I need you to go down to headquarters.

You got a new guy coming on the rig.

And you best be on time.

I hear he's an ex-Navy SEAL.

- No. - Oh, no, come on.

This guy's gonna be a pain in the ass.

We need a little discipline around here.

Step up your game a little bit.

Oh, man, my game is great. I was already in the military.

Yeah, well, whatever. That's what you say.

Teach you something. We need a little discipline around here.

Is that what you're calling it these days?

You guys want a tootsie roll, eh?

Oh, tootsie roll, tootsie roll. You are delicious and timeless.

I thought I heard that you were with the Navy SEALs.

Navy? No, no. Easter seals.

I volunteered. This is so cool.

First day on the job. Do you guys Facebook?

No. No, I don't Facebook. I don't do regular books.

I eat, and I sleep, and I save lives.

He's a very complicated man.

Hey, I control technology.

I don't let technology control me.

Oh, that means that he can access online porn

from his phone while he's driving.

Yeah, there's gotta be

some kind of fancy name for that, right?

Last time I checked, it was still called "jerking off."

Chicago north 115, report of possible heart attack,

corner of Lincoln, Jefferson.

- Ambulance 14 responding. - Here, hold that.

Hang on, easter seal. I know a shortcut.

- - Ooh.

Look out, tow truck, tow truck!

- - Wow.

Here, give me the coffee. Might want to say a rosary too.

This coming from the guy who doesn't believe in God.

I didn't say I don't believe in God.

I said I believe that Michael Jordan is God.

Oh, then why aren't you wearing a scottie pippin medal

around your neck instead of St. Jude?

Right. Who's complicated now, asshole?

Victim appears not to be breathing.

Like you don't download porn to your phone.

Oh, I try to keep my phone away from my dick.

He always wants to call my ex.

He just fell down like he was having a heart attack!

Is he conscious?

No. He hit his head when he fell.

Uh-huh. Make a hole! Let's move, move, move.

Give him some space. He's been making weird noises.

How you doing, buddy?

Buddy, you awake?

Fire up the toaster, Brian.

Yeah, he doesn't have a pulse.

Hey. Full charge.

Here, Brian. Here.

Okay.

Brian. I need the pads.

- Here. - Come on, God damn...

Okay.

Brian?

- - We're waiting on you, Bri.

- Okay. -

- Clear. - Kill the toaster.

- John? - Just give me a second, buddy.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

- - Oh!

- Ooh. - Hey.

Holy shit.

How you doing?

How did you know that that was a food allergy?

- Go. Go. - Oh.

Uh, well, the... The swelling in the lips.

And he had this rash.

My dad had food allergies.

He was allergic to shellfish and peanuts

- and marriage, apparently. -

Oh, this is my new partner, Danny.

- How you doing? - Good. How you doing?

This is our new guy. Brian.

Hey. How's it hanging, Bri?

It's, uh...

- Ah! - Good.

Look, I don't know what she's telling you about me, but...

- Not a lot. - Really?

Great EMT.

She really hasn't said anything...

Nothing negative about me at all? Come on.

She mentioned the car crash last week,

where you rescued the driver

just seconds before the car exploded.

Which was amazing.

And what's even more amazing is that

he can instantaneously dive into a burning wreck

to save the life of a complete stranger.

But when it comes to moving in

with his girlfriend of three years, he remains undecided.

- - We're on a break.

Uh, well, we need a statement from security.

Nice meeting you, Johnny.

You too, Donny.

Danny.

So, uh...

Hi. Hi.

- -

Your vest looks nice today.

Oh, yeah, thank you.

So are you, uh, doing okay?

- I'm... yeah, I'm good. - Good.

You?

What if I was to say... No?

No.

Please tell me I'm not an idiot.

You're not an idiot.

She... she wouldn't have said all that stuff

about me to what's-his-face

if she didn't still care about me, obviously.

Alternative theory.

It's part of her secret evil plan

to get in her new partner Denzel's pants.

Uh, Danny. Pretty sure it was Danny.

Oh, Denzel to me.

Hot, mo' better blues Denzel,

with just a touch of Terrence Howard.

You really think he looked like Denzel?

Devil in a blue dress, dead ringer, bro. Bandages.

What's your name, sir? Pete.

Okay, Pete. You're doing great.

We're gonna patch you up real good now.

I got your cell phone here.

Who do you call in case of emergency?

My brother. He's listed under I.C.E.

"In case of emergency." Nicely done, Pete.

Safety gold star for you.

I don't think he looked like Denzel.

I think he looked like Dennis Rodman, maybe.

That's 'cause you're looking at him through

angry ex-boyfriend cock goggles.

Take it from me as your best friend

who's looking at him through single,

extremely horny gay goggles: He's hot.

Denzel-banging-Hollywood-bitches hot.

I'm gay, by the way.

Oh.

You seem surprised.

No.

Yes.

Theresa's still your I.C.E., isn't she?

Stupid goddamn question.

You know who I think is a good-looking guy?

Tim Tebow.

Plus he seems so nice.

Who's your I.C.E., Brian?

- My mom. - Your mom?

Well, she lives right upstairs.

You still live with your parents?

No.

Nah, they live upstairs, I live downstairs.

It's a whole separate floor.

- You got a girlfriend? - I had one.

We just broke up. She, uh...

She got too clingy.

Your girlfriend's too clingy, Tim Tebow is handsome,

you sport... let me guess...

Something from the Calvin Klein family of colognes?

Rampage.

I got a better shot of getting some pussy tonight than you,

and all I'm thinking about is Denzel's lips.

Ah, can we stop calling him Denzel?

I thought he looked like

a young, more muscley Harry Belafonte.

How do you even know who Harry Belafonte is?

'Cause he's watching TV with his parents.

You really think he looked like Denzel?

Brian, get us some Gatorades.

Gatorade prime, Gatorade performance,

or Gatorade recover?

Let's go with yellow.

I like yellow.

'Kay.

I know, I know.

You know, don't judge me.

Do you remember how long it took you to get over Jeff the chef?

Two days and a weekend trip to Miami.

Which, in gay man's time, is like six goddamn months.