Stretch

If you like stories about chance and coincidence and fate...

- then here's one you've never heard. - (LIGHTER CLINKS OPEN)

Boy meets girl...

Girl almost kills boy by running a red light at rush hour.

Boy is T-boned at over 60 miles per hour...

Oh, my God! Are you all right?

Uh-huh.

...and survives with barely a scratch.

Are you drunk?

Not anymore.

Is that cocaine on your nose?

Between the bottle and the sports book,

boy had lost his way in the City of Angels.

Until he found one.

The one he's been looking for his entire life.

I'm sorry, I didn't see the light.

Well, don't go towards it now.

Boy falls in love in that second,

and knows his luck is about to change.

(MOANING)</font Baby, cum.

Cum, baby, cum on me.

What a difference a year makes...

...off the bottle and the blow,

high on life itself.

And about to put a ring on this girl's finger.

- That felt good, baby. - Oh, my God, so good.

- Are you happy? - Yeah, I'm so happy.

I'm breaking up with you.

Yeah.

I've met someone, right?

And... And I fell really hard for him and I didn't expect it to happen,

but now that it has, I just feel like I can't ignore my feelings any longer.

Candice,

I just came.

I know.

I know and so did I.

Are you shitting me?

I wanted you to feel euphoric.

It didn't work!

And after that,

everything pretty much went to shit.

What a difference another fucking year makes.

She'd dumped me for the starting quarterback of the Cleveland Browns.

His signing bonus was 4.5 million,

my last check was for 816...

dollars.

And I still sit here like an asshole

and wonder if I could've done something different?

She devastated me.

She knocked my dick in the dirt.

She took my steam.

My mojo...

And I gotta get it back because this is killing me!

I mean, what the fuck am I doing?

Fuck!

I came to LA to be an actor.

Uh... hi, I'm Kevin Briyzowski.

Next.

What's up, I'm Kevin Brizow.

Next.

I'm Kai Bravo.

And now, I drive a limo.

And, shocker, I hate it.

I hate the hours...

I hate the clients...

And, fuck me, I hate my life.

I gotta get my shit together.

I know I do.

My life is nearly half over and I have exactly jack shit to show for it.

No money...

No power...

and no women.

And in this town, I am fucking positive that's the order they come in.

Better men would've blown their heads off by now.

Men like Karl with a "K."

Hi, I'm Karl...

- That's how he introduced himself. - ...with a "K."

Karl with a "K" was legendary.

Karl with a "K" lived to serve.

Karl with a "K" was the industry gold standard.

Do you like dry two olive Bombay martinis with a shot of Chambord?

Karl with a "K" knows you do.

- Loose. - Yeah.

- See that? - Okay. Okay.

- Just, no tension. - I see it now.

- Costa Rica... - Aruba.

Karl with a "K" was trim, worldly and well-traveled.

You know, I actually did an Ironman Triathlon in Panama.

Wow.

To Karl with a "K"...

All right, Norman, I think I got everything out of the bathroom.

...it was about the client.

Quick question. Is that a severed penis?

Always about the client.

Yes, sir.

Some chilled Veuve Clicquot for the returning honeymooners.

Karl with a "K" was quite simply the personification of total client satisfaction.

- What about her? - She's dead.

But, uh... I got you a blueberry muffin. It's on the seat.

Oh! You're the greatest, Karl.

I am sure his sterling reputation thrilled Karl with a "K" to no end...

Wow.

You guys look so happy.

- (SCREAMING) - (HORN HONKING)

...right up until the day he sucked on a .38 snub nose.

It would mark the only time in nearly 20 years

that someone else would clean his limo.

Jesus, they buried him in one of those.

I heard later that Karl had come to LA to be an actor.

But I cannot go out like that.

I don't even believe in fate,

only in the destiny that you make for yourself.

The only reason I am in this hole is because I couldn't stop digging.

But that has to change.

Starting today, this fucking minute,

I am putting the goddamn shovel down.

Yes, indeed.

What's up, babe? What's with these guys?

Naseem wants you front and center, homie.

He taking heads?

Not yet, but whatever fears you have are totally founded.

Oh, no.

- Oh, come on. - What?

- Jesus. - What? What are you doing?

Look at you.

- You're a disaster. - Okay.

I can't...

Who gains weight in their neck?

Sexy people.

Smartass.

You look like a slob.

And you look like desert camo.

That's what I'm going for.

Wait, you just disappeared in that chair. I can only see your head.

You're funny.

You think I'm gonna get axed?

Since you seem to actively want to lose this job?

- Yeah. - I don't know, maybe...

Maybe losing my job is like... Is like part of some plan.

Wait. This is coming from the guy who doesn't even want

to acknowledge that shit actually happens for a reason.

You're talking about fate, I don't believe in that.

And yet, you're a fatalist.

Not even close.

I'm sorry. Sorry, it was easy.

- Easy. - You really think so?

Yes, indeed.

- Hi. - (IN NORMAL VOICE) Hi.

- Hey. - Hey.

Someone is calling you.

- Again? - Get out of here.

Go get yourself fired.

Shit.

Are you firing me, Naseem?

You have a past, eh, Stretch?

Lots of drugs, alcohol, gambling. You were addicted, yes?

I was addicted, yes. Severely.

Uh... but I haven't placed a bet, uh... taken a drink or done a drug in over a year.

Oh, right.

Do you believe you owe something?

Uh... to the people I gambled against?

Uh... yes. About $6,000 to be exact.

$6,000?

Well, it was 12, so I cut it in half.

Do you believe that you owe me something?

Well, you have given me a ton of breaks, so...

'Cause I need the old you now.

The part of you powered by pure need, hmm?

These other companies like this cockfuckers

Cossack trying to steal our clients.

So I need every driver to work as hard as they've ever worked,

for if these Cossack sons of whores take over, I'm out of business.

And you are out of luck.

This is do,

or this is die.

Yes, indeed.

Yes, indeed.

It's funny

that Naseem was gonna cap my ass this morning and send me packing.

Huh, I guess things are looking up already.

Hey.

Oh, shit.

Whoo!

- Look at this motherfucker. - Iggy.

I know you've been getting my calls. You're fuckin' ignoring 'em.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Before you say anything else,

you need to know that I'm totally powerless against this.

- Okay, this is not good. - This is not good at all.

Carlos has sold the farm. It's new ownership.

No books. So, the six grand you owe...

I'm gonna need it by midnight tonight.

- Fuck me! - Exactly.

- You're serious? - I'm colon cancer.

I pay every month on time!

- I know. - Well, do they know?

They do and they don't give a shit!

I got a better shot at

shitting out a full grown female giraffe

than coming up with six grand by midnight tonight!