The Dark Backward

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, won't you please, uh,

give a warm welcome to the comedy stylings...

of, uh, Mr. Marty Malt.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Marty Malt.

I'm reminded tonight...

of something that happened to me the other day.

I went to the post office to get some stamps,

and I waited my usual three hours in line.

And just as I was getting to the window,

an announcement was made that if anyone just needed stamps,

to move into a different line.

So I moved into the different line,

and this giant boot came down from the ceiling...

and stamped me on the head.

Ooh!

Do I have a headache.

I decided to buy a pet,

so I went to the pet store and asked the guy there...

what would make the best pet.

And he suggested a turtle.

So I bought a turtle and got a nice little bowl... for him to live in...

with some plants and a bridge for him to walk on.

But he would never come out of his shell.

I waited and waited, but he never came out.

And then I realized that the pet shop owner...

had taken me for a ride.

It wasn't a turtle at all.

It was a rock.

So now I use it as my doorstop.

Even you didn't laugh. I was laughin' on the inside!

I was roarin'! Oh, God!

See, I didn't want to laugh out loud 'cause I was eyein' this chick across the room,

and I didn't want to come off uncool.

But, no, I was laughin' inside. Oh, yeah!

You were funny. Trust me.

I know comedy, and you were funny, hilarious.

I don't usually use that word unless I really mean it.

But, yeah, I'm gonna use it again.

Hilarious! You were hilarious, man!

You think so? Hilarious?

Oh, yeah, definitely. You were sensational.

Well, 'cause Syd said that I can do it regular...

on Tuesday and Thursday nights for 10 bucks.

You see? They loved ya. They know talent.

Most of them are probably laughin' on the inside, too,

unless they were too stupid to get the jokes!

So 10 bucks a week, huh? Ten bucks a night.

Twenty bucks a week.

Twenty bucks a week just for standing up and telling dumb jokes?

Hey, that's great, man!

You're gonna do it, right?

I guess so. You guess so?

Go grab it, baby!

You have a talent. It's your calling.

And maybe once in a while, you'll let me play a little musical accompaniment.

Maybe. Hey, that's great!

You are gonna be famous.

You are gonna be so big!

Big! Let's see you go big!

- How'd it go? - He was great!

Great, huh? Fantastic.

He was so funny, I thought I was gonna have a heart attack.

He had the joint eating out of his hand.

I almost split a gut! What did you say?

Come on. Give me a sample.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. Come on.

Tell 'em the one... about the movie star and the podiatrist.

Oh, this one really bowled them over!

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

This movie star goes to see this podiatrist, right?

Right!

Okay.

He limps into the office,

and the podiatrist says, "Oh, my God!"

- What's a podiatrist? - Who the hell knows?

Um--

Well, he-- he limps into the podiatrist office.

Hang on, Marty.

Hey, Rosarita. What's the special?

- Um, ham and beans au gratin with peas. - Is that the man-made ham?

Nothing but the best.

So, Marty, when's the next show? Thursday.

You are lookin' at the next big deal in professional comedy!

Well, I-I always told him that if he gave it a try, they'd love him.

I've been working on some new material.

I think it's gonna be some pretty funny stuff.

People relate to jokes about things they know, you know?

A guy goes into a barbershop, he asks for a haircut.

Barber says, "Sure. Have a seat."

The guy sits down. He takes off his toupee.

The barber says, "Wait a second. You wanted a haircut.

You're completely bald."

And the man goes, "Why, you're right.

In that case, cut my ears off."

Marty? Do you have any milk?

Whoa! Hey, Marty!

Oh, God.

- You got a bite, man. - A what?

Uh, on your back. A bug bite or something.

Oh, well.

Okay! Let's go!

Land ho!

Here I go

Whoa!

A-ho Whoo!

Hey, Gus!

Yeah, Marty. Can you come over here for a sec?

Uh--

Here, help me get this out. What is it?

It's an authentic Oriental rug.

Wow! How do you know it's authentic?

Look at the craftsmanship. Yeah.

Hey, Gus? Yeah, Marty?

I thought you were gonna come by and listen to my act.

I will, I promise, later. We'll only be at Nicolette's for a minute.

Well, I have a whole bunch of new material.

I think you're gonna like it.

I have no doubt about that, sonny boy.

If last night's performance is any indication of what's to come,

I will laugh so hard,

my stomach will burst open and spray bile all over the stage!

Well, I hope so.

Who is it?

It's Gussy pussy,

Nicky picky.

God, what a woman.

Gussy. Oh, baby!

Hi, Nicolette.

So what'd you bring me, big boy?

I brought you something very special,

and it didn't cost me a dime!

What is it? Give it to me. Close your eyes.

Okay. They're closed.

Can I open my eyes? Sure.

Give me! Give me. They're mine!

Give me! Give me!

Give me!

Oh, baby.

Hey, man. Why don't you run along?

We'll work on the act a little bit later.

Marty has an act? Oh, yeah, baby.

Marty's gonna be a big, famous...

comedian.

Yeah. That's-- That's great. Yeah.

Well, but-- I--

You got anything to eat? I'm starving.

What took you so long? Huh? What time is it?

Well, it's 3:00.

Geez, I'd better get home.

You know, we gotta go to work in a couple of hours.

Just sleep here. What, in this dump?

Never mind.

Hey, do you mind if I eat this chicken?

It's been there for quite a while. That's okay. I don't care.

So, what have you been doing?

Just polishing up that new material.

Oh, yeah, right. I wanna hear that.

You should've told me earlier. I'd have come by. I would've.

Okay, let's hear it.

This is gonna be great! I know it.

Okay, okay.

Let's see.

There was this guy-- Hold on a second!

We gotta do this thing up right.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Syd's nightclub is proud to welcome...

once again...

the comedy stylings of Mr. Marty Malt!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Marty Malt.

- - Yeah.

Well, I was-- I was trying to grab a cab the other day.

It was rainy and cold.

I forgot my raincoat and my umbrella.

So I'm standing at the cabstand with three other guys and me.

A Jew, a priest, and a black, and me.

So this cab comes up-- One cab to the cabstand.

And the cabdriver was Chinese.

Okay? Well.

We were all standing there in the pouring rain...

when this little old lady gets in the other side, and off they go.

Which just goes to prove...

nobody can get a cab in this town.

This little old lady jumped into the cab from the other side,

and off they went.

Which just goes to prove...

nobody can get a cab in this town.

So, you were laughing inside again, right?

Well, I didn't exactly see the whole show.

Me and the hatcheck girl were getting friendly, if you know what I mean.

Well, which part of-of the show did you see?

That's not important. Just listen.

I've got some great news.

- How was the underpants joke? - Will you shut up and listen? You're gonna love this!

What?

- Me and Phyllis-- - Who's Phyllis?

- The hatcheck girl. - Oh.

Me and Phyllis went across the street for some cocktails.