PG (Psycho Goreman)

Many moons ago on the distant planet of Gigax,

a nameless evil reigned supreme.

This ruthless being had amassed power beyond measure

and was preparing to strike down all that was good

and just in the universe.

Before he could fulfill his dark destiny,

the forces of light banded together,

and in their most desperate hour

toppled the dark one from his throne.

He was imprisoned in a place far beyond reach,

for if he were ever to be released,

it would spell certain doom for all existence.

Okay, here's the deal, men. Winner is champion of

the universe, loser gets buried alive.

Got it?

That's fair.

- Ready? - Set?

- Crazy Ball! - Crazy Ball!

You're toast, Mimi.

Not even close, you dork!

Ow, my butt!

Yes, five point butt bonus.

Swing ball.

One...

Crazy ball.

- Two... - Crazy ball.

- Three. - Three of a kind!

Four, alright, four points for me.

I'll get you at the switcheroo, crumb scum.

Just you watch.

Buckle up for a dirt sandwich, you little maniac.

Aaaah!

Switcheroo. Aaah!

I win!

Start digging, Luke.

Damn switcheroo.

Keep digging, boy.

Hey, hurry up so I can bury you and go to sleep already.

I'm gonna bring your bed into my room

and make one of those, oh, what do you call it.

Oh, super beds.

Oh, yeah, that's cool.

Is that a coffin?

Is this where they buried Grandma?

No, I don't think so.

Let me see.

It's really stuck in there good.

Maybe if I press those, it'll do something?

No, I'm the Crazy Ball champion so I get all the treasures.

Right, of course.

Let's see.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Dumb dumb chump, here we go.

Wow, first try.

Come to mama.

Cover it up!

Hurry, before mom and dad see.

Shovel faster, numnuts.

I'm trying.

Luke, Mimi, do you kids know what time it is?

- 9:00. - 9:00.

What happens at 9:00.

Get inside. It's time for bed.

Dad?

You okay, sport?

Is there such thing as monsters?

Well, here's the thing, Luke.

In a lot of ways, humans are the real monsters.

So I'd say yes.

Okay, what your genius father is trying to say is no,

there's no such thing as monsters.

What happened to your head?

Somebody lost at Crazy Ball.

Again?

Mimi, I don't want to keep going through this, okay?

Remember what we said last time you were playing kookie ball?

It's Crazy Ball!

Plus, it's not even my fault.

Check the tapes. Luke sucks.

It doesn't matter, okay?

You need to take it easy on your brother.

He won't want to play with you anymore.

What's the deal with monsters?

Are they fake? Are they real? All the above?

Yeah, what's with all the monster talk tonight?

It's just that, if there are monsters coming to kill us,

could you make sure they...

could you make sure they kill Luke first?

That's harsh. But okay.

Mimi, that's a horrible thing to say.

Why?!

Dismissed.

Good night, wacko.

Dad!

Good night.

Look at this shit! There's not a pawn shop in town

that's going to want this crap!

If it's all garbage, why did that old guy put up

such a fight when we busted in?

I think I sprained my wrist clocking that geezer.

Look at this. Why the hell would you even grab this?

Suck my dick, asshole! It was dark.

And that's a nice frame.

Not any more.

What the hell did you say, buddy?

A variation of the Ironian tongue.

How primitive.

Let's just get out of here! This guy's on something.

Hey, you dickless shit.

We already killed one asshole tonight.

And we'll gladly do it again!

Your flesh is unevolved and weak.

Perhaps in a few millennia, you will make worthy adversaries.

But not today.

Hey, man, please, I don't want to die.

Then live forever.

This is a really big hole.

How did you even dig this? Huh?

Alright, first I want to say, great job on the hole, son.

- Thanks. - Second I want to say,

this is completely unacceptable.

- Oh. - Somebody's going to

have to fill this in.

Anybody.

One of you even.

- I vote dad. - Me too.

Yeah, me three.

And if I... when I vote, I will vote for all of

- you three, as a family. - No, no.

Doesn't work that way.

Alright. So much for democracy, huh?

Do the dishes, Greg.

What made these?

If I had to guess, I'd say some wino

was on his way home from a bender last night.

Thought he could Evel Knievel

his way over this hole and fell in.

- What else could it be really? - Maybe a raccoon.

That doesn't make any damn sense.

Oh! Oh, oh, my hand.

- Are you okay? - Oh, God, my hand.

- Well, that didn't take long. - Oh, it hurts so bad, Susan!

- Okay, okay. - Oh, my God.

- Come on. - Oh, Susan.

Ow! Don't even look at it, it hurts.

Did you see the size of those freaking claw marks?

We need to tell somebody what happened.

Maybe we should go to the police.

I don't trust cops. Not one bit.

We're going to go search ourselves tonight.

That's crazy.

We don't know what was down there.

What's crazy is what a stupid wiener you can be some times.

Pull up your diapers because we're going to go find

what crawled out of your grave last night

like a couple of real American heroes.

Can you dig it?!

Yeah. I dig it.

- Hey, man. - Hey, Alistair.

You beat Rage Master 64 yet?

Yeah, man, medium difficulty.

- No way. - Hey, kiddy.

You look good in your little outfit there.

Why don't you give us a spin, hunky boy?

Um, no thanks.

Never mind.

My math!

Is your sister crazy?

Mimi, look.

That way.

There's no way this was a dirty wino bum.

Look at how even his footsteps are.

Duh. When has dad ever been right about anything?

Yeah, good point.

I'm not going in there.

Here, take this.

I call it the Luke killer.

It will protect you.

How the hell does this work?

Ow! The damn thing cut me.

You're using it wrong.

Don't kill her Mark. I'm going to kill you.

Mimi, wait. Oh, crap.

Stop jumping at everything!

You're jumping, too.

I'm jumping because you're jumping!

This place is dangerous.

Didn't somebody die back when this was a shoe factory?

Nobody ever died from making shoes, Luke.

That's just crazy.

Besides, the most dangerous thing in here...

is me.

We should get out of here.

Hey, creep! We know you're in here.

Show yourself or...

or I'll break you into a pile of bones?

No, that wasn't good.

This is super dumb.

Let's go.

Is that fear I smell? How sweet.