Mom

Do you really have to run off?

Snuggling afterwards is the best part.

Gabriel, you can't own a penis and say that.

So when can I see you again?

I don't know, I'm just crazy busy these days.

Fine.

I'll just wait for you to call and then make myself pretty.

I know you're kidding,

but it wouldn't hurt to do a little manscaping.

That's housekeeping.

Come back later!

I need to see you now, Gabriel!

It's my wife.

My boss.

Hide.

Get in the bathroom.

What if she has to pee?

You're right,

she does like to mark her territory.

What are you doing in there?

Um, I'm hiding the hookers and the drugs.

What do you think I'm doing? Quick, get in.

Are you kidding me?

You got a better idea?

Oh, is this underwear clean?

Get in!

And no.

Uh... uh, one minute!

Hey, what brings you by?

I know this might be difficult for you,

but I need you to sign this separation agreement.

No problem. Okie dokie.

Wow, I expected you to make a scene.

No scene. Here you go. Bye!

Bye.

Wait a minute.

What are you doing

with my Louis Vuitton?

Um, the maid packed my clothes in it.

I thought it was a parting gift.

Well, it's not. I want it back.

Well, uh,

that's too bad.

Possession is nine-tenths of the...

whatchamacallit, the law.

The hell it is.

What do you have in here?

All my self-help books.

Now give it back!

Damn it, Gabriel,

this is my suitcase.

I'll return it to you when I'm no longer living out of it!

Fine!

Keep it!

Oh...

Oh... I am so sorry.

It's okay.

That was really close.

What was that?

I don't know.

I am just really turned on right now.

Getting locked in a suitcase does it for you?

Oh, just shut up and be grateful.

Mom - 02x15 Turkey Meatballs and a Getaway Car

Seriously?

In a suitcase?

Louis Vuitton.

Classy.

I don't understand it,

but it was the hottest sex we've ever had.

Really?

Gabriel?

The guy who can only do it with his T-shirt on?

He has a third nipple; he's self-conscious.

I get why it was hot.

It's the danger.

One time,

I was running with the Black Panthers.

We knocked off a bank in Oakland.

Me and this guy Jamal did it in the getaway car.

The indelible ink exploded all over us.

My ass was blue for a month.

I'm watching a sweet old lady put rolls in her purse,

and I just can't get my head around that story.

That's nothing; Jamal's a senator now.

You know, Christy,

that kind of sex is fine once in a while,

but, uh, with you it's a little worrisome.

- Why? - Well, honey,

since I've known you, you've only enjoyed sex with men

when there was an element of danger.

That's not true.

I hate to say it, but I think old blue ass has a point.

When we met, you were sleeping with your married boss.

And then the drunk, pothead fireman.

Yeah. He was fun.

And then your ex-husband, on your front lawn.

It was not on the front lawn,

it was in his van.

Which was technically his house.

Well, now that you're sober,

you might want to start thinking about finding someone

you can have an honest, intimate relationship with.

Hey, I am plenty intimate.

Really?

You talk and you share?

You let your true self be seen?

I have a true self?

Intimacy, Christy.

Break it down.

"Into-me-see."

You say that kind of crap to Jamal?

I was a heroin addict back then.

I didn't do that much talking.

Okay, I have to go to work.

Thanks for the...

I don't know what that was.

- Bye, honey. - Bye-bye.

Bye.

Are you gonna take your butter patties?

Help yourself.

We should get the check.

I almost drank last night.

Go away.

What?

I was grocery shopping,

they were handing out samples of turkey meatballs.

Next thing I know, I'm standing in the liquor aisle

trying to decide whether to get drunk on vodka or bourbon.

Well, that bourbon pairs better with turkey.

That's it? No speech?

Well, come on, Bonnie, you know why this happened.

It's about losing Alvin.

I have never been in this much pain.

I go to bed thinking about him, I wake up thinking about him...

nonstop.

I understand.

So what do I do?

You could try getting out of your head

by helping other people.

Great.

I'm having a breakdown; you're making jokes.

Okay, that's all the time we have for sharing.

Before we close,

we need to nominate a new secretary

to run the meeting for the next year.

I nominate Bonnie.

What the hell are you doing?

This'll be good for you.

No, I don't think so.

I second it.

What's happening?

Any other nominations?

Yeah, I, uh,

nominate Weeping Wendy here.

That's what you call me?

Why?

Any seconds for Wendy?

All in favor of Bonnie?

Congratulations, Bonnie.

You are so lucky you have cancer.

Really?

You want to know what I'm feeling?

Yeah.

I don't want you and me to be just about sex.

I want to know what's going on here.

We've been over this; it's a third nipple.

You know what I'm talking about.

Show me your true self.

Oh.

Wow, okay.

Uh...

Ever since the marriage ended,

I've been reevaluating who I am and-and what I want.

Mm-hmm.

When you think about it,

I went from my parent's house to my college dorm

to married and living with Claudia.

I've really never been on my own.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, suddenly

I'm experiencing a level of freedom

I've never known, but at the same time,

I've never been more frightened.

Christy?

Mm-hmm.

This is crazy.

I know.

Right in front of my ex-wife's house? I know.

You realize if she catches us, you'll get fired.

Oh, keep saying that.

Oh, uh... fired.

You're... you're gonna get fired.

Oh, yeah. Keep talking.

Um...

You'll lose your 401.

Oh, yeah.

You'll wind up working as a-a cafeteria lady

at an inner-city school where the kids are troubled

and they don't appreciate your hard work.