Big School

Now, as it's Friday afternoon, I have a special treat for you.

This little experiment I like to call "elephant's toothpaste".

All I do is mix some hydrogen peroxide and potassium iodine

and pour it into a beaker of ordinary, everyday washing-up liquid!

Ready?

Is that it?

Yes.

Can we go now?

Yes.

Right, Pat, we'd better get this cleaned up.

I didn't get any on me. Thank you, Pat, thank you.

Psst! Psssst!

Austin Allegro!

What are you doing?

I think a deal's about to go down. Get in.

A drugs deal? Yes.

There's no need to whisper while we're in the car, actually.

Just pop your seat back so you don't get spotted.

Oh! I didn't know it went back this far.

Yes, that lad there was expelled last year for possessing the drugs.

One expulsion?

That's nothing. In my last school, there was double that.

We had a very serious drugs problem.

Well, I think you'll find it's worse in this school.

It was an epidemic.

Well, here it's a pandemic.

Well, let's just agree that it's a sad fact

that drugs are an issue in all schools.

Particularly this one.

And the one I used to work at.

Anyway, I want to talk to you about Draughts Club.

Whatever you do, don't let Barber offload that onto you.

He already has.

But I had a thought. Oh, shh, shh!

Hello! Hello!

I thought seeing as you run Chess Club...

Oh, I founded it.

Why don't we merge it with Draughts Club? Call it "Chaughts"?

It's a bold idea, Sarah.

So is that a yes? Shh!

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Come in.

Right, if it's about the trampoline,

I've absolutely no idea how it got on eBay.

Mr Gunn, I've summoned you here

because Mr Church has made a rather serious allegation.

Drugs.

What?

You've been buying drugs from a drugs pusher and you've got drugs!

No, I haven't.

The camera never lies.

Care to explain yourself, Mr Gunn?

Oh, that? Yeah. No, no, no, I wasn't, um...

I wasn't buying drugs,

I was, er, I was confiscating them.

Well, if that's the case, Mr Gunn, why did you give the boy money?

Cos he was collecting for a Blue Peter appeal.

Balderdash, Mr Gunn.

Balderdash.

If you care to leave us now, Mr Church.

Certainly, Headmistress.

Balderdash!

Empty your pockets.

Oh, this is good shit!

Oh! That is good shit.

Right, can I have a bit of quiet, please?

Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh! I can still hear chattering.

Thank you. I have some very important news.

Mr Gunn has been sacked.

Ah, so they finally found him

watching dirty movies in the computer room, eh?

It must be for siphoning petrol out of the minibus.

Was it for hiring the sports hall out for illegal raves?

Look, I only went to one... It was actually none of those,

but thank you for bringing them to my attention.

No, it's much more serious than that.

Mr Gunn was caught buying the drug ma-rij-uana.

Just out of interest,

who was selling it? That's not important.

What's important now is that Mr Gunn is no longer a teacher at this school.

All right! Where's the biccies? I've got the munchies.

But you've been sacked!

Oh, I don't think so.

And you reek of drugs!

Well, I have to know what I'm dealing with, don't I?

Oh, this is a dark day for the school, a very dark day.

Is this your Scotch egg?

You know damn well it's my Scotch egg.

That is deeply offentious!

Oh, I haven't even started yet, Churchy.

You've just missed her. Where is she?

Nipped to the garage to get some Jaffa Cakes.

We need to get across the anti-drugs message to the kids.

Well, then a song will be perfect.

We just need to find one that tells the kids the drugs don't work.

They just make it worse.

Yes, exactly. I'll do some research online,

see if anyone's written one with that kind of message.

I thought you'd brought a packed lunch today.

I did.

But my Scotch egg was despoiled

and I'd rather not say what was deposited in my sandwiches.

All right, Keith? Are you a music fan?

I like the early stuff.

Luke and I are going to sing an anti-drugs song in assembly.

It'll mainly be me.

I'll be on tambourines and backing vocals.

In the business we call them BVs.

Otherwise you'd for ever be saying, "backing vocals, backing vocals,

"backing vocals", when it's much quicker to say BVs.

You don't want to waste everyone's time.

Yes, we get the picture.

Well, if you need a red-hot oboe player...

Not really. Oboes are not really part of my sound.

Well, what is your sound?

It's somewhere between Oasis and Beady Eye.

Oh, an eclectic mix!

When do you want to get together and rehearse?

Not sure yet. I'll drop you a message on Facebook.

Laters. Laters.

How often does Luke send you a message on Facebook?

Sarah, please be honest with me.

Quite often, why?

Well, I'd hate for you to get a reputation.

A reputation as what?

As a woman who has many partners.

I can't help it if every male member of staff

and one female member of staff find me attractive.

You need to clear your own tray.

I'm two moves away from checkmate, sir.

I admire the cut of your jib, Grandmaster Nicholas,

but I'm not sure you'd bargained on me doing...

this.

I had.

Which is an excellent juncture to end today's Chess Club.

I was one move away from checkmate.

Now, I need your help with something.

Put the board away and meet me in the computer room.

Run!

Duck!

You all right, babes?

I just want you to know that, um, I've walked in your shoes.

It's metaphorically.

You what?

I'm an addict too.

What are you addicted to?

Highlighter pens.

Sniffing 'em?

No, highlighting things.

It got to the stage where I'd highlighted everything -

there was nothing left to highlight.

Textbooks, magazines, newspapers, receipts,

phonecards, those little Bibles that you find in hotels -

it all just became one luminous blur of colours.

Sounds like a nightmare. Mmm.

Well, it's worse than a nightmare, Trevor, because it's real.

Well, something had to change.

And that's when my sponsor suggested that I just use

the fluorescent yellow one to highlight key words and phrases,

and that's what I do now.

Come here.

Come on.

Shall we take a quick shower?

Sex addiction. That's one of the new ones...

isn't it?

Mm-hm.

Move!

Er, I've done a bit of research online and I've printed this out for you.

Had a bit of a relapse.

Ah, there you are, Nicholas.

Yes, I need you to help me get onto Facebook.

Yes, sir.

Is there an application form I need to print out?

No, I've done it. You're on Facebook.

Oh! That was quick.

Oh, you've already got a friend request.

Dear God. Shall I accept?

No, no, no, no. Leave it.

OK. Let's do your profile, sir.

Likes?

Milk. Anything else?

No.

Favourite music?

Well, I like a real range of stuff - anything from Oasis to Beady Bye.

Favourite TV shows? The news.

And?

The weather.

Sports?

Just put, "no, thank you".

Dislikes? War.

And wasps.

And wasps down...

Relationship status?

It's complicated, so I wouldn't know what to put down.

Oh, they have that. Hmm.

Any particular friend you wanted to add first?

Oh, I hadn't really thought about that.

Um, what's the name of that new French teacher?

Miss Postern?