Man Seeking Woman

Oh...

Josh.

- Josh, come on. - Yeah, I know.

We need to talk.

Of course, what... What? What's up?

- I don't want to do this anymore. - What...

What? What-what do you mean?

This just isn't working for me.

It's the same thing every time.

The laptop, the lubriderm. I'm bored.

Aren't you bored?

No, I'm not bored.

This is fun. I think-I think...

I like what we have.

- I think it's fun. - Remember eighth grade?

Back then, things were so passionate, they were exciting.

God, I'll never forget the day we found that Delia's catalogue.

Or-or that time on the bus on the

- Washington, D.C. trip. - Oh, yeah. Yeah, D.C. was crazy.

But lately, it's gotten so mechanical.

I want more than this.

I want to play guitar. I want to work a loom.

Learn sign language.

And you'll do all those things, but can we just

pick this up in, like, three and a half to four minutes time?

Okay, see, this is what I'm talking about.

It's like we're just going through the motions.

I'm sick of it. I-I want to see what's out there.

I mean, I've only been with one other guy.

What? When?

- At camp. You were asleep. - Was it that

- creepy kid with the dead eye, Tobias? - It wasn't Tobias.

Then who was it?

The point is I just, I can't take this anymore.

I'm sorry, Josh. I'm leaving.

Whoa. Oh, my...

Oh... wait, okay. D-don't go. Please, we can...

We can try new things, we can spice it up.

Different-different web sites.

I... different grips.

Good-bye, Josh.

Good-bye, hand.

don't you even think about it!

S01E03 Pitbull

Thank you for joining me for dinner.

Of course. That was fun.

Who is texting you so late?

Oh, Mike. Wow. Let's see.

"Better get hard, son. I'm getting you laid tonight."

- Huh. - Ew.

Yeah, ew.

You don't need that guy to help you get a girlfriend. You know that, right?

Mm.

Like, you're gonna find someone super wonderful,

it's just a matter of time.

Thank you. Thank you, Liz. I appreciate that.

You know, and in the meantime, you can just... focus on you.

- Mm-hmm. - The path to love...

self-love.

- Oh. Uh, yeah. - You know?

Just maybe taking a yoga class.

- Eh... - Or just go over to the gym.

- Yeah, I guess I could. - Meditate.

- Meditate five minutes a day. - Just... yeah, okay.

- Yup. - These are just tiny little seeds

that we're planting here, and it's

maybe not gonna take a day.

Maybe not gonna take a week. A couple months.

Little tiny plant growing.

"Oh, look at this plant." That's you.

Beautiful woman's gonna walk by.

She's gonna be like...

"I want that.

"I want this...

in my face."

- Huh. - And you're gonna be like,

"Damn. So glad I watered myself."

Whoa, whoa... why don't you go running with me tomorrow?

- You could be my running partner. - Yeah, um...

You know, it's really good

for your endorphins and

- cardiovascular system and... - Yeah.

Do you want to?

- Yeah. Yup, yup. Yeah. - Yeah? Is 7:00 a.m.

- Too early? - No, 7:00 a.m.'s not early enough.

But, uh, in that case, I should hit the sack...

- Yeah, totally... - of hay.

New and improved Josh. Bright and early.

- Right, no, that's perfect... 7:00 a.m. - See you tomorrow morning.

- See you tomorrow morning. - I'm excited. For you.

- Oh, good. All right, cool. - Okay. I love you.

- Yeah, I love you. Yeah, good night. - Bye. Good dinner.

- Yes! - Bye, bye, bye.

Wow, thank you. Thank you

- so much. Well, this is great. - Oh, yeah.

Uh, so what are-what are their names?

- Whose names? - The, uh...

- slobbering girls. - Oh, no, I didn't mean specific girls,

I just meant whoever's at the bar.

Oh, you don't act... oh.

- Oh. - Come on, let's go.

Yeah, I-I don't know, man. Bars aren't really my thing.

Josh, the only way you're gonna 69 with some flat-chested skanks

is if you go to the bar and talk to them.

Yeah, I know.

- You're not scared, are you? - I... no.

You know how much I love...

- wooing women. - Great. It's on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's just pregame first.

Christ.

It's already pretty late.

We'll just pound these beers real quick and then we'll go, okay?

Five minutes.

All right, five minutes.

Oh, that's a terrible way to drink beer.

Terrible way to drink beer. Ugh.

They call them matches because they match. Look at a...

- Open up a matchbook, they all look the... - What? That's ridic...

- They all look the same. - Oh, it is on.

Uh, da, da, uh, we need to eat something, I think.

What?

Yeah, we-we need fuel for dancing and flirting.

- Dude, it's getting late. - Let's just pound some Mexican food.

Five minutes.

- All right, fine. Five minutes. - Okay, come on,

Come on, this way.

Mmm.

Dude, we drank, we ate, it is on.

Um... you... wait, wait, let's just, uh,

pound a 10,000-piece Jigsaw puzzle first.

Dude, it's getting...

It is on.

Wait. Uh, okay.

Let's just pound this postmodern epic. Five minutes.

- No. - No.

You know what?

I'm starting to think that you don't want to go in there.

- Why would you say that? - I think you've just been stalling

because you're afraid to hit on girls.

Well, it's never gonna happen, is it, man?

These... girls like this don't get with guys like me.

Dude, she just totally checked you out.

Holy Moses. Yeah, okay, let's-let's get in there.

- Uh, let me just tie my shoes. - No, there's no time.

It is on.

Ooh, it's on.

Oh, shit.

Oh, man, it's super late already.

Don't worry. Still plenty of time to score.

Ooh, two clusters, divide and conquer.

Uh, yeah? You don't want to stick together?

Uh... okay, and you're gone.

This is the best night of my life!

Divide and conquer.

Hey. Hey.

Hi. Uh... hi.

What's good... What's the spot...

Should I be in the center?

Uh, uh, uh, uh, come on.

Hey. How's it going? Hey.

Where should I be? Okay. Ow!

Hi. Hi. Hey.

Hi, hey.

Hi. Hi. Hey.

Hey, hi.

Mmm, mmm.

That is just disgusting.

Land ho!

Hold that. Uh, hey, I'm Josh.

Uh, can I get you something to drink or...

- Sure. Maybe a Cosmo? - That's a terrific idea.

Uh, barkeep? That'll be, uh, two Cosmos.

- All right, that's 38 bucks. - It's $38?

So, one-one cosmo.

And...

a glass of water.

- All right. - Thank you.

So, uh, what's your name?

- Sara. - Sara.

That is an oldie but a goodie.

Very, very biblical.

So, oldie but a goodie Sara, what...

Thank... thank you.

Oh, this is so easy. Mmm.

Two shots, please.

Dude, this place is sick.