I'm No Angel

- Hi, Pete, how you doing? - Okay, Bob.

Right this way, folks!

Right in front!

All right, you will see a show of amazing, stupendous,

and cataclysmic proportions.

Your two bits will do the work of a sawbuck.

On the inside, folks, you're gonna see

right before your very eyes,

without the aid of cheaters or a microscope,

Joe, the turtle boy!

- That's his picture, that's what he looks like.

- So help me, folks, if I ain't telling the truth.

He walks, eats, and sleeps just like a turtle,

but talks the English language as well as you and I,

and shaves himself with a safety razor.

And as an added attraction, folks,

Joe plays the zither.

Believe it or not, folks, he plays the zither.

That's what you see when you go inside.

- What'd you get? - Oh, not much.

Them birds have to work for a living.

- These tickers look like a lot of heirlooms.

Look at 'em!

- And that, folks, is only a sample

of what you're gonna see for the one price.

Now, look, folks, you've got to give me

your undivided attention

because I want you to hear each and every word

that I'm going to say.

Over there! Over there!

Tira, the beautiful Tira.

Dancing, singing marvel of the age.

Supreme flower of feminine pulchritude.

The girl who discovered you don't have to have feet

to be a dancer.

All right, boys, just push right in there.

You're gonna have a better view.

All right, boys, the lumber, drag it out!

Play it, boys, play it.

If I wasn't a married man...

I could go for you, baby.

No wisecracks, now.

Penny for your thoughts.

Tira, boys, Tira!

Just look at those eyes.

Just look at those eyes!

I said those eyes.

Yes, sir, boys, she can assume shapes

that will astonish a chiropractor!

And next to her, a wiggling worm looks paralyzed.

Get the idea, boys?

- I can say without fear of contradiction

that if Tira had've played the town at the time,

Noah would've missed the boat.

You follow me?

- Boys, with the right kind of encouragement,

she'll throw discretion to the winds

and her hips to the north, east, south, and west!

It's the only show on earth

where the tickets are made of asbestos!

And now inside, Tira,

the girl who makes your dreams come true.

That's right, men!

Can she do her stuff?

- Oh, you bet she can do her stuff!

Ooh, mama!

- I know just how you feel, honey.

- Is that elegant, or is that elegant?

Elegant.

Mmm.

Ooh.

Am I making myself clear, boys?

Suckers.

- Tomorrow night at the same time,

Tira!

Aw, come on, Tira,

you're gonna be a good girl and work them lions

tonight, ain't ya?

- No, I'm gonna be a bad girl and go home to bed.

Oh, no!

- I'm tired from tossing the hips.

- I know, but-- - Besides, the cat act's

on too late anyway.

I'll work 'em tomorrow night if you put 'em on earlier.

- Sometime you'll ask me to do you a favor, and I'll--

So what?

Oh, hello, honey.

- Ah, I've just been working on you.

Oh, yeah?

And what have you got to tell me tonight?

I have your horoscope.

- Ooh, I hope you got some good news in it.

Good and bad.

- Go ahead, I've got my fingers crossed.

- You were born in August.

- Yeah, one of the hot months.

It was on the 17th

under the sign of Leo the lion.

- Oh, king of the beasts, huh?

- Today is not lucky for you.

Well, I can't complain.

So far, it's been perfect.

- Tomorrow will be very lucky.

But tonight, be careful.

- Something told me not to work that lion act tonight.

You are very wise.

- Oh, I profit by my experience.

Now, listen, honey, um...

you just tell me about my future.

You see, I know all about my past.

- Ah, you have a wonderful future.

I see a man in your life.

What, only one?

- But this is one very particular man.

He is very wealthy, enormously wealthy.

- Oh, you mean a millionaire, hm?

Uh, what does he look like?

- I see he has brown eyes.

In fact, I see two men.

You don't mean twins?

- No, two different men.

In the near future, I see a change.

What, a change of men?

Not yet.

Oh.

- I see a change of position.

Sitting or reclining?

- But... it's all left me!

I can't help you anymore tonight.

I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't!

- Thanks, Rajah, it's all right.

I'm in a hurry anyway.

Give me my thing.

The horoscope.

Keep this where you may consult it frequently.

- All right, I'll take it to bed with me.

- What are you playing me the chill for

all of a sudden, baby?

- 'Cause I ain't exactly in the mood.

- Well, seems like I can't put you in the mood lately.

I guess you're right.

Oh, uh...

Barton wants you to get in the cage

and wrestle them lions tonight.

- Not tonight, I told him-- - Oh, now, Tira, you gotta.

The show's walking on its heels in this town.

Well, what's the rush?

You seem awful anxious to get somewhere.

Pullin' something funny if you ask me.

Well, I ain't askin' you.

Well, I'm asking you.

What do you want to stay in a hotel in town for?

Why don't you stay here in the lot, same as the rest of us?

- 'Cause I ain't the same as the rest of youse.

I'm sick of people worrying about what I do.

Got about as much privacy around here as a goldfish.

- Hm, getting high hat, huh?

- What'd you do, get your hair cut,

or have your ears moved down?

- It's a wonder you noticed it.

Oh, Miss Tira!

Oh, come in, honey.

- A gentlemen give me this note for you.

Mm-hmm.

What's your name, hm?

- My name's Frederick, but they calls me Otto.

- All right, honey, you tell the gentleman it's okay.

Yes'm.

Who's the boyfriend?

- Wouldn't you like to know?

- Well, I'm telling you something.

You go mixing up with any guy, and I'll bust his jaw.

I'll break him in two, do you hear?

I'll give him the works!

- You ain't careful, you're liable to hurt somebody.

- Well, take that as a warning.

- Aw, you take it and bury it.

Maybe it'll grow lilies.

- Ah, I'll see you later.

The later the better.

- Tira, can I come in?

Come on in, honey.

- Gee, I just felt I had to talk to somebody.

- Oh, I'm in a rush, but go ahead and talk.

You look terrible, what's the matter?

- Oh, everything's the matter.

With me, anyhow.

- Barton again? - Yeah.

- That guy's a habit with you, honey.

Why don't you step out?

A change would do you good.