2 Broke Girls

Max, guess what Han's doing at the counter?

Well, I know it's not towering over it.

He's creating signature drinks for the diner.

I suggested any household poison over shaved ice.

Han, this is a stupid idea.

It was Earl's.

Then it's genius.

Yep, I've been drinking all afternoon for free.

Now, I've used only top shelf liquor.

Question: Who got it down for you?

First up: "The Max". It's just whiskey.

On the rocks, like Max's job.

Whatever mine is, I want my rim salted.

Of course you do.

Earl's is an Old Fashioned with everything.

Pour me another me.

I hate to say it, but I go down easy.

"The Caroline" is Lemon Schnapps in a slightly frosty glass.

Because of my cool, Grace Kelly kind of demeanor?

No, because they had a sale on Lemon Schnapps

at Beverage Barn

Oh, they don't card there?

Okay, so what's "The Han"?

A No Sex on the Beach?

Mine is a classic martini, shaken.

Oh, like the first woman who saw you naked.

Correction.

Will see you naked.

Max, guess what happened when you were running

to the bathroom real quick, for two hours.

You worked the cupcake window while I went

to see The Statue of Liberty.

Her head was being renovated.

Everybody in this town is getting work done.

I sold our last cupcake tee!

We've sold out more than Robert De Niro

in the last 20 years of his career.

Well, analyze this, Focker.

I noticed we were running low last week,

so I ordered more.

How did I not notice those sooner?

Oh, probably because the last time I looked in there,

there was a rat having sex with a cockroach.

You know, they're still dating.

Really? I thought it was a one time thing.

Well, I guess once you go rat, you never go back.

Thanks for ordering these, I've just been so busy

with Sophie's wedding shower.

Yeah, why are you working so hard?

It's not a big deal.

I threw my mother a shower once.

No wait, I threw her in a shower once.

Max, you really need to start making more of a fuss.

It's for Sophie, it means a lot to her,

and she has a gun.

Well, showers are stupid girl things

that this guy wants no part of.

Hey, girls!

Look. I'm advertising your cupcake business.

You're advertising something, but it's not our cupcakes.

I gave out free T-shirts to our building.

I left one by everyone's door.

Two at Sophie's, 16 at the Sanchez's.

So about six of the kids will have to share.

Interesting. Now our shirts are available at both Rodney,

the high-end Manhattan boutique,

and an apartment building that always smells

a little like gasoline.

Well, please stop talking about things that aren't me.

Now girls, did you get the cake

for my wedding shower tomorrow?

Oh, was I supposed to make a cake?

I've literally done nothing for this shower.

I haven't even taken a bath.

Oh, no, I'm not getting my cake from here.

No, this is my bridal shower.

Yeah, I want to get something classic from Baskin Robbins

that's also a Dunkin' Donuts.

They mix those two now?

It's a stoner's dream come true.

I tried to make our apartment look nice.

I even moved a chair to cover a stain,

but what was under the chair was so much worse.

I guess what I'm saying is, please don't shoot us.

Well, I don't expect it to look that good.

I mean, you can't put a silk hat on a pig.

And I know, 'cause I tried once.

Max! Oh, my God! What have you done?

I realized I don't like a strawberry center.

And I am not going to beat myself up about it.

When I told you to get crepe paper streamers

and decorate for the shower, I meant with pink, not black.

It's a wedding shower for Sophie,

not a baby shower for Rosemary's Baby.

What? I told you, I don't do girl things.

Like hang pink or sit when I pee.

Which, coincidentally, I refer to as "hanging pink."

My God, what is that smell?

Something's really gone bad here.

Besides our lives.

It's the Polish food.

I think one of those sausages is made of old flip-flops.

Someone's here already?

Are Polish people always early?

Is that a stereotype I don't know about?

Oh my God!

A wedding shower for me?

I mean, if I had known, I would have dressed!

Sophie, you did know.

I know. I came down early to practice some entrances.

Now get ready for entrance number two.

Are you ever ready for entrance number two?

Who is it?

Oh my God!

I can't believe it.

Oh, it's the day of my wedding shower.

Could anything be more wonderful?

I was moved, I was surprised.

I liked it better than the book.

Now, come on in here and identify some of this

Polish food so I can know what I'm not eating tonight.

Oh, no. I'm not eating at my shower.

I'm pretending I have an eating disorder

so everyone will think that I have it all.

I think you're going to be happy.

I have lots of fun shower games,

starting with "Who Knows The Most About Sophie?"

Oh, I'll win that one.

Yeah.

And Sophie's got to tinkle.

See? I'm a shoo-in.

Yeah. Oh. Oh, my gosh.

Black toilet paper.

Oh, nice touch, girls.

Yeah, I love the mystery of not knowing when you're done.

FBI! Open up!

The FBI? I don't think they RSVP'd.

Oh, that's got to be for me.

I didn't do it.

And just so you know, the statute of limitations is up

on that Newark thing.

I'm not here to arrest you, miss.

Great, it's me.

Max, I told you pirating movies was a real crime.

Now I'm going to jail for Fifty Shades Of Grey.

Someone should.

I hear you, not the Christian Grey

I'd pictured.

I'm Agent Drake with the FBI.

Nothing to get upset about, but there's a man in your building

who's been holding three women hostage

in his apartment for months.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Now, one of the captives escaped today

and alerted authorities.

Oh, that must have been the lady I passed

screaming in the hall.

What? There is a fine line between "hostage"

and "off your meds" in this building.

So, a SWAT team is going in

for the other two still upstairs.

But we need to evacuate the building first.

So let's go.

All right, can I just put a few things away first.

You know, because I want the place to look nice

if there's going to be police in here.

Look, miss, whatever drugs you're hiding in here,

I couldn't care less.

We need to get out now.

You know, you're just my type of guy.

You don't mind my drug use and you're already here.

Oh, yeah!

You girls ordered a cop stripper for my bridal shower?

Oh, here comes the bride all right!

Come on. Yeah.

Yeah, see? Look, he likes me.

I cannot believe I live in this building

with a man who would do something so awful.

Also, cannot believe I live in this building.

You know who I think it is?

Smells Like Cats But Has No Cats.

Really? He doesn't seem like a go-getter.

I think it's Three Nipples No Nose.

Three Nipples No Nose? He's a delight.

Sophie, isn't this upsetting?

It sure is.

I couldn't get that stripper cop to take his pants off.

Hey, look, there's some of my shower guests.

Oh, look.

And see? That one's my friend Natalya.

The one I told you about.

Yeah, there's all that extra skin.

Ew. You were not exaggerating.

She was born with all that skin.

She had a chip clip on her back

all through high school.

Yeah, I know that guy upstairs is a real bummer,

but you know what would help?

If I could open my presents.

Yeah.