Gerry Dee: No Reading Ahead

Please welcome, Mr. Gerry Dee!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Wow!

I never...

I never thought that, uh, my DVD taping

would be, uh, next to a mental hospital.

That was my biggest fear when we came down to...

Producers said, "This is where we wanna shoot it."

Did you know there's a mental hospital? Like...

We're not even next to it. We're actually in it.

Like, we're in there.

We're in the hospital.

I took kinesiology in university. Thank you.

Yeah, a big word for gym.

It just sounds better the way I say it.

My first job, uh, I was a teacher, that's what I did.

And, uh, first job, I lied to get a job

because there were no Phys Ed jobs,

and that completely backfired.

They made me teach Grade 12 history.

I know. I didn't even take Grade 12 history

when I was in high school.

So I'm teaching it,

and I'm like, the 10th smartest person in the class.

That's not good.

Awful. No idea what I was doing.

I'd never taken history in my life.

I had to go home every night,

read the chapters myself first, to learn everything,

then I'd come in and teach it.

That's how the whole year was.

I'd even assign the homework like this every night.

"All right, tonight for homework,

I'd like you to read Chapters one to three, okay?"

"And then stop reading, all right?"

"Don't go reading ahead,

"Coming in asking questions tomorrow

"on stuff I haven't learned yet. That's a no-no.

We don't do that."

'Cause that's what the smart kids would do.

Every day, I had this kid, Duncan.

Every day, he had a new question.

"Sir,

what happened to the Mayan civilization?"

"What chapter is that, Duncan?"

"15".

"What are you, a loser? You read the whole book already?"

I couldn't call him a loser.

I could think it.

But that's the thing, right?

Teachers don't know the answer, we don't admit it.

I never said, "I don't know". I'd lie.

Throw it back on the kids, that was my trick.

"Oh, is that right, Duncan? Ha!"

"So you think I'm just gonna spoon-feed you

"the answers all year, do you?

"No, that's not how I teach, kids.

"So thanks to Duncan,

"I would like the rest of you to go home tonight

"and look up what happened

to whatever he's mumbling about at the back."

That was my...

That was my whole year. It was horrible.

I'd have Duncan come up and write the question

on the board in big letters.

'Cause I needed to see how he spelled Mayan

so I could Google it later myself.

Thank God for Google.

When you can't spell something, at the top, it says,

"Did you mean this word, idiot?"

Thank you, Google master.

It was horrible.

Then you had to come in the next day.

Take up the homework.

Ugh.

I still don't know what happened to the Mayan civilization.

Kids have their... kids have their hand up.

I'm like, "Put your hand down, Dave, you got a 30 average."

"I'm not gambling on your answer."

Can't ask a kid with a 30 average.

I don't know if he's right or wrong.

He's gonna give an answer, I'm just gonna be like this.

"That's, uh, good, good, good.

Let's see what someone smarter than you thinks."

That's how I had to... "Lorraine!"

"Can you tell us what happened to the

Ma-yan civilization?"

And then whatever she would say, I would vote.

"How many people agree with that answer?"

"There you go, Duncan."

That's exactly what happened, right there."

It was a whole year of that.

One kid smoked pot every day.

Unbelievable.

Pot.

This kid would smoke it every morning.

Nine o'clock, first period, walk in stoned every day

like I'm stupid.

I can't tell you're stoned? It's 12th grade.

You stick out like a sore thumb.

Teachers aren't idiots.

Then I thought about it.

I think the only grade

that kids could have smoked up before class

and walked in without getting caught, was kindergarten.

That's the only grade. Think about it.

You could have smoked up all you want before kindergarten.

Stormed into class.

No one would know. It took everybody an hour and a half

to get their coat and boots off.

Smoke up all you want.

You'll be taking forever to get your boots off.

So would everybody else.

You'd be like, "God, everybody's smoked up today."

"Look at this."

"Who's the dealer?"

Imagine being stoned at the age of four.

That would be hilarious.

Trying to get that piece of crap, $8 snowsuit off.

Remember this thing, from Kmart?

It had one zipper.

It started at your forehead.

Couldn't breathe for the first three minutes of the day.

It got stuck 15 times.

You're stoned outta your mind, walking around

going, "God, it's hot. It's hot."

"It's June. Why am I wearing a snowsuit?

"This pot is screwing up my ability

to recognize the seasons."

What kinda crap zipper was that?

One zipper, when only the left leg came out, remember?

It started up here, wrapped around a couple times,

in case it wasn't on tight enough.

We were "Wrap it up!"

And then only the left leg, that's how it was made.

People making it were like,

"Let the little potheads figure it out. This is...

We don't need two zippers."

So you're stoned outta your mind, and you can't get it off.

You're like, "I can't get the right leg out."

And you're dragging around your snowsuit.

You think it's a dead body 'cause of the pot.

You're like, "Wow, there's a dead body."

And you're getting tired.

That's a great grade to be stoned.

"Miss, I'm tired. When's our nap? Ugh."

"Did I miss snack time? I'm starving.

I'm so hungry."

I was a racist in grade one.

Yeah. I didn't mean to be racist.

I don't know why I did this.

My best friend was a kid named Rami Jahari.

That's how he said his name.

I don't know why I did this. I wasn't trying to be funny.

I wasn't trying to be mean. I was just a six year old kid.

He was one of my best friends, but I'd call him over,

every recess, "Rami!"

"Okay, let's try this."

"Did I say anything?

"Nothing? Okay, I got some other ideas tomorrow,

I'll see you at recess".

I'd do that every day.

Then I'd go to his house for lunch.

You ever go to an Arabic person's house for lunch

when you're six? It's terrifying.

Everything they say, they sound angry.

His father would come in the room.

"Rami!!!"

"Okay, okay.

"My dad would like to know if you'd like

a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch."

I had a buddy who skipped grade one. Wow!

How the hell do you skip grade one?

What are you? A big finger painting champion?

Duck-duck-goose winner every day?

Wow, look at that kid run.

Skip him.

How stupid do you feel, though, walking into grade two?

You just skipped grade one, everyone's looking at you,

mocking ya, "Look, that's the kid right there.

"Skipped grade one.

"No, no, shut up.

Heard he's really good at cooperating with others."

I remember I had to do the food groups project.

Remember this waste of time?

Did it every year.

It's like every teacher assigned it.

It's those teachers that had nothing to do. That was me.

No lesson plans.

I'd show movies, when I taught.

This is how selfish I was as a teacher.

One year, I was teaching geography,

and I was showing, uh, "Rudy",

'cause I like that movie.

It had nothing to do with the class.

I'm like, this has nothing to do with geography.

Ah, happened in Indiana, okay?

But what I would do is, I had geography period one

and geography period two, the same grade.