Better Watch Out

Just your nose and then we're done, Mr. Frost.

You butt-fucker!

I'm a baby.

Boys! It's dinner time. Come inside please.

Hey, Mom. I know I said that I would stay home and pack tonight...

Yeah, of course I'm wearing headphones.

Anyway, yeah, so surprise! I'm not home. Um...

The Lerners asked me to babysit. What?

Sneak off and see Ricky? Why would you... why would... why...

Shit!

Sorry.

Ashley! Ashley, are you okay?

Hi, Mom, no, no, no, everything's fine. It's just traffic.

Mom, look, I gotta go. I love you.

Yeah, come here, come here. Come on, give me a challenge.

Oh, that's right, you can't, 'cause I'm the best.

- Okay, here we go. - Damn, I'm on a streak!

"Want to put her in the mood? Watch a horror movie.

"When we're scared, our brains pump out dopamine...

"...the same chemical we release when we're aroused."

So fear really makes girls wet?

- Told ya. - Bam!

You believe everything you read online.

- It's like with the paint cans. - Oh, my God...

...are we seriously back to the paint can debate? I ended that last week.

- I was unconvinced. - No, no, no, no, no, we looked it up.

That ER doctor said that the paint can would've smashed the robber's face in.

Just admit you're wrong.

Only reason to read this stuff is for the pictures.

It's a plus. I know what women want.

- Dude. - What?

She's, like, twice our age. I really don't think it's gonna happen.

Five years. Big deal. My parents are five years apart.

You don't get it. Luke, Ashley's a ten. A solid ten.

And you're like a fi...

- Never mind. - She likes me, I know it.

- It's tonight or never. - Okay, go ahead.

But my brother gave me weed, so instead of trying to bone your babysitter...

...maybe we could just, you know... puff-puff?

No, man, I'm going through with the plan.

Don't mess it up for me.

I mean, Luke, for both our sakes, I truly, sincerely hope you get some ass...

...sistance... uh, with that computer problem you got.

Like, technical assistance. Call, uh, Geek Squad.

- They're good. - Real smooth, Einstein.

- You smell great, Mrs. Lerner. - Don't you have a curfew, Garrett?

- Yeah, but my mom said I could stay in... - Bed by 11:00, okay?

- I know. - And don't forget to brush your teeth.

I will, Mom.

- I left pizza money. - Okay!

Robert.

Robert, turn that shit off. It's giving me a migraine.

Yes, uh, darling. My ornaments were conspicuously missing from the tree.

We're not putting those on the tree.

Bell shoes, or I'll chop your legs off below the knees.

Are you sure you've never sucked another man's cock?

Not even in college? Not some lost weekend?

Fishing trip? Secret, special friend? Ever?

- Not that I can recall. - Because, honestly, Robert, this is so...

Meterosexual?

That's not even the word. It's metro. Metrosexual.

- I'm allowed to like gay things. - I need a drink.

Oh, my God, the fetus machine!

I forgot you still had this.

What the fuck? Dude!

That is so creepy. I'm sorry. Please tell me you don't still sleep with this.

- You totally do. - Shut up, dick.

- You so do. - Of course not.

Hey, maybe it'll put you in the mood while you're, you know...

She's here.

Good Lord, you are breathtaking.

- Thank you. - Nice sweater.

- Thanks, nice tie. - Thank you.

So, uh, you're leaving us. Deandra says that you're moving.

- Yeah, in a couple of days, to Pittsburg. - Did I give you permission?

So thank you for coming because you've gotta be busy packing.

Yeah, but I mean, I couldn't leave without saying goodbye.

- Wow! What a nice thing to say. - Mrs. Lerner, you look incredible.

Well, thank you. But I told you, call me Deandra.

"Mrs. Lerner" makes me sound fossilized.

Robert!

Oh, look who decided to come out of his room.

Don't I remember something about the trash getting taken out?

And don't forget the shovel.

Go on, Luke, and then we can hang out.

Yeah, come on, you grab the garbage and I'll get the recycling.

I don't know about you, but I'm gonna miss that girl.

New carpets!

Damn it, Rob.

Here we go.

Okay, I want to show you this. We're going to do things a little bit differently.

- Lucas has been sleepwalking again. - Oh.

No, crap!

Just a minute.

Garrett, what are you doing in here?

Oh. Uh, do you have any itch cream?

- My shoulder really... - Top shelf.

Honestly, that kid is a bad influence.

I want you to keep an eye on him.

Once he's brushed and he's in bed, don't forget to give him his sleeping pill, okay?

Then you take this pencil and you put it on his door handle. See? Like that.

That way, if he stays in, great. If he walks around, we know.

And what he doesn't know can't hurt him.

- Honey, it's time to go! - All right.

Okay, Ashley, call us if you need anything, all right?

See ya. Good luck.

Now, don't stay up and watch scary movies, okay? It'll give you nightmares again.

Please don't do that. You're embarrassing the lad.

- Robert, that tie. - I know, right!

No, wrong. Please, please, please? Thank you.

Always be...

...prepared.

Please don't embarrass me like last year.

I promise.

Finally.

So what do you wanna do?

- Movie? - Actually, I gotta make a call.

So how about you hang out and play video games or something?

This is just happening so fast, you know?

I just need some space tonight.

Like, clear my head, say goodbye to everything, if that makes any sense.

Ricky, of course I wanted to see you.

I don't know. 11:30.

Well, if you want to break a few dozen perv laws...

...you could always ignore me and come over anyway.

Ricky, no, that was a joke. No, don't.

Luke! Luke!

- What? - There's a spider. Kill it.

Just kill it. Squish it!

It didn't do anything wrong.

Ash!

Ashley! Ashley, are you okay?

What?

I can handle myself just fine, thank you.

The answer's still no.

Go on. You're free now.

There you go, big guy.

Ricky, I know.

Yes, I know I leave soon.

You know you're my guy. Can't we hang out tomorrow?

Okay.

Okay. Okay, well, maybe if kiddo falls asleep early.

Okay. All right, bye.

Luke?

Luke!

Luke, where are you?

Luke, where are you?

Luke!

- Lucas, what are you doing? - Oh, you won't?

No, you are way too young to be drinking. Give me that.

- Oh, this? - Yes, that. Give it to me.

Lucas, stop! What has gotten into you?

One time me and Garrett drank a whole bottle.

He puked so bad. He can't hold his liquor like me.

Wow, I'm super impressed, okay? Now, give it.

Lucas, I'm so serious right now.

Don't.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Pardon me.

You forgot to shut the door, doofus.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Hey, no, sorry, I can't... I can't talk right now.

He just opened a bottle of champagne.

Uh-uh, no, that is not an invitation.

Look, um, listen, I don't think tonight's gonna work out.

A chance to what? Make things harder than they already are? What?

Okay, you know what? That was a low blow, and I'm gonna hang up now.

Busted.

Me? What about you, mister?

Well, I won't tell if you don't.

Okay, deal.

You know, drinking won't impress me, okay? I already think you're pretty cool.

Let's, uh... let's get some food into you, hey?

- Pepperoni or Hawaiian? - Anything but mushrooms.

Why don't you start the...

Whoa, calm down. Have another drink.

Lerner residence.

Hello?

Hello?

Help! Somebody help me!

Come on, come on!

- Who was it? - No one.

Why are you dating Ricky?

He's such a jerk.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that.

How did you mean it?

It's just like first Jeremy and now Ricky.

You could choose any guy in the world, and you're choosing these guys...

- ...who treat you like shit. - Luke...

...first off, you're sweet...

...but second, there's actually a really wonderful side to Ricky.

And my move's been really tough on us, so be nice.

Plus, you're drunk, kiddo.

I am not drunk and I am not a kiddo.

- You're 12. - Thirteen in a few weeks.

- I'm mature for my age. - I know.

If I were your age, I'd date you.

Really?

Shit! I forgot to order the pizza.