Cristela

Oh, good.

I was hoping I couldn't put anything on the table.

You need the table to put your floor samples on?

Just put them on the floor.

Felix, leave her alone. She's got a lot of work to do.

She's in charge of putting together

her company's charity walkathon.

Walking for money.

In my village, you'd walk 12 miles for a stick.

I think we all know where you kept it.

Excuse me. I have an announcement.

Ooh, stand back, everybody.

The handsome mayor has something to say.

I have chosen who I want to be my confirmation sponsor.

Oh, is it me? It's probably me.

Because you love me, right? No pressure.

Dad, again, it can't be a parent.

Are you sure? There's a new pope.

A lot of changes.

It's Cristela.

Aah! Yes!

Now I have the table and your kid.

Congratulations, Cristela.

I look forward to be working with you.

Oh, thank you, sir.

It's fine. I'll be in the garage.

There's a table there, and it's all mine.

It's a workbench. Everybody knows that.

Cris, are you sure you can do this?

You already have a lot going on.

Plus, you're only kind of a catholic.

What are you talking about? I go to church.

When it's not football season.

Do you even know what you have to do?

Uh, I know enough to look it up on the Internet.

Relax.

I-I know I'm not as Gung Ho as you, ama,

but I take my faith seriously.

Uh-huh.

We both know better, don't we?

You know what, Henry?

Three generations of Gonzalez men

have worn that suit to their confirmation ceremony.

And now it's your turn to stand up

in front of all our friends and family

in this hideous suit.

Henry, stop moving.

You're like a raccoon in a burlap sack,

which is how your uncle Artemio came to this country.

Hey.

That's right.

With a raccoon inside a burlap sack.

Stop.

- But this suit is so itchy. - Ay!

How does Ellen Degeneres do it?

Oh, Cris, will you be able to make it to the pancake breakfast

before we head on out to the church?

No, I can't. The walkathon is in the morning.

Well, you are his sponsor.

It would be nice

if you could make it to Henry's breakfast, too.

Hey, don't make me feel guilty.

You think I like missing pancakes?

Yes, don't make her feel guilty, Daniela.

That's what happens when a sponsor doesn't care about God.

Hey, I got this.

Huh?

After the walkathon, I'll go to church.

That's what I do, you know?

I work hard, I pray hard.

Everything in my life is hard.

Come and get your packets for Saturday's walkathon.

And, please, no running.

Get it?

No.

Any chance you could walk me through it?

Remember, this is to raise money for the less fortunate,

which, in Mr. Culpepper's case, is everybody.

Every mile puts food on their tables,

places roofs over their heads, and pools in their backyards.

Yes.

You do see a lot of poor people

holding "will work for pool" signs.

How are we doing?

Making a better tomorrow for everybody?

Uh, looks like it.

You know, I never pegged you as someone

that would give back to the community.

I hear you.

People call me a monster

because I represent the powerful and the wealthy,

and often at the expense of poor people.

"Monster" is such a strong word.

Let's go with "greedy bad guy."

Mm, I think I prefer the term "wealth undistributor." Yeah.

It's... you see, that's why this fundraiser is so important,

'cause I've got to show that I really care

about the little people.

You know, a good way to start

is to not call them "little people."

Check it out.

New pair of sneakers, some protein packs.

I got a real shot at winning this thing.

Josh, it's a walkathon, not a race.

Well, when it comes to walking, you don't want to step to me.

Did I just talk trash?

Well, it sounded like garbage.

It's just that, ever since I was 2 years old,

I've been an excellent walker.

Yeah, we all have.

Trent: What the hell?!

Maddie, get in here now!

Ohh.

Looks like somebody's getting a raise!

A friend in the media sent me this.

Hey, betches!

Bored at work?

Well, always remember to have

the proper topcoat/hardener, hmm?

Hey!

Ms. Gloria all-brown,

when you wake up from your siesta,

I'm gonna need that brief.

How sick is that?!

Wow.

You come across pretty bad.

Care to explain this?

Well, I didn't know you were there.

Oh, now I understand the comments.

Of course my nails aren't racist.

I have seen too many good men's lives

ruined by a careless remark.

I am not gonna have my legacy tarnished by one hilarious quip.

Okay, I'm sorry, daddy. How can I fix this?

No, no, no, no. You have done enough.

Now I've got to figure out a way

to get my one off-white employee to prove I'm not racist.

I-is it even okay to say "off-white"?

I mean, I don't even know anymore.

Cris, good news.

You're gonna be my co-chair for the walkathon.

I want you up there on the podium

for the press conference, okay?

Just wear something that says "my boss isn't a racist," okay?

So a poncho?

Uh, your choice, not mine. Great idea.

The thing's at 2:00.

Wait... no, 2:00?

That's the same time as my nephew's confirmation.

Oh, well, that's the nice thing about ponchos.

You know, you can wear them anywhere.

Sir, um, about the press conference...

Why would there be one?

Damage control.

There's a video out there of me saying a joke to you.

What am I doing?

Washing dishing? Parking cars? The usual?

You were taking a siesta.

Oh, I remember that. That was a good one!

Yeah, I thought so, too.

So, how important is this press conference?

'Cause it's at the same time as my nephew's confirmation.

Aah, you can go to the next one.

Actually, it's a ceremony that only happens once.

It's not like a marriage.

Is there any way we can move the press conference?

Hey, we could have it later, at a bar, huh?

You'd like it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, 'cause I'm always a better man when I'm drunk.

You know, I-I never realized that you were so religious.

Yeah.

I go to church twice a year, when it matters.

Birth of Jesus, death of Jesus.

And in between, the playoffs happen.

Work is my religion, and it should be yours, too.

Cristela, you're a lot like me.

And you know that you've got to make some sacrifices

to get to the top.

But this confirmation is a special moment.

Yeah, well, that's why they call it a "sacrifice."

Your family will get over it.

I mean, if you're serious about your career,

you've got to be selfish.

So, I'll be selfish...

And do this for you?

Great.

I don't think you know what the word "selfish" means.

Aww, thank you.

What is taking that boy so long?

I thought I loved mirrors.

You do.

And you should.

Mm.

Henry, for every second you make God wait,

he makes you wait a year in purgatory.

One.

Two.

Henry: Okay, I'm coming!

There he is!