Happy Ever Afters

What's that?

Are you ready, Ma? We don't have all day.

OK, keep your knickers on. Almost there.

You're kidding me, right?

- Who put you in charge? - Hiya.

All right. I'll get changed.

- What's up? - Guess.

- Now? - No!

I have nothing else.

Just do it, would you?

Don't look at me.

Yeah, I do, yeah.

I do.

- Finally. - Oh, Maura, you look gorgeous.

- What's he doing in there? - Come on, Peter Perfect! You'll do!

Dessie, will you watch the bloody kids?

Come down here, you lot. D'you hear me? Down!

Did they run out of material when they were making that?

Yeah, they did. They used it all up trying to cover your arse.

You little...

What am I gonna do? Look at it!

- What did you do that for? You eejit. - What can we do?

Nothing. It's fucked.

We're gonna have to call off the wedding.

- Good idea. - Here, take mine, son.

- But what are you gonna wear? - No worries. I've loads.

There, now.

Thanks.

You look lovely, by the way.

Thanks.

The car's here! Hurry!

D'you hear her? She thinks she's the one getting married.

- You have told her, haven't you? - Of course.

- Everything? - Yeah.

Nearly.

Oh! Tell me I don't look like a fucking princess.

- I'll do your hair. - Ma!

- No! It's mine! - Bring it round.

- Ma! - What are you doing?

- Don't push it. Steady as you go. - Can you not wait till tomorrow?

Too late, love. You haven't made a payment in months.

You can get it back if somebody doesn't buy it.

- What are we supposed to sit on? - I'm sure you'll find something.

- I'm getting it recovered. - Maura O'Reilly?

- Maybe. - There you go, love.

- Eviction notice? I don't want this. - Don't shoot the messenger.

Molly, would you get my bag? I think it's upstairs.

Oh. I didn't realise things were that bad.

If you need some money, I have a bit. I could lend it to you.

No, no. I have it under control. But it's sweet of you to offer. Thanks.

Showtime.

There you are, me dears. You look... marvellous, marvellous.

Stop!

- I need a quick one. - What? You can't.

I'll just be a minute. I need something to steady my nerves.

- No! Will you stop? - Come on.

- Just a vodka. Molly... - Stop. Drive! Drive!

- Just a little one. - No!

Don't worry, Father. She was late the last time, too.

- Last time? - Yeah, this is our second.

- Second time getting married. - What, the same girl?

Yeah. We had... Problems the first time

and got divorced, but we're sorted now.

Oh. It was meant to be so.

Hmm.

Wait.

I'm... I'm not making a big mistake, am I?

- But it's all arranged. - I'm hearing alarms in my head.

They're the church bells, dummy.

It's up to you, love.

Come on.

Ah.

Hi.

Now, do you, Frederick Butler, take Sophie Maguire...

...for your lawful wedded wife,

...to have and to hold, from this day forward,

for better or for worse...

...for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health,

until death do you part?

I do.

I do.

I do.

I do.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

- Ow! - Sorry.

Well, congratulations again, Freddie.

We'll have a little chat later on, huh?

OK. Sure, Mr. Maguire, sure.

Sophie, breathe in.

Oh! You have put on weight since the last time.

Jesus Chr...

- I never thought I'd live to see this. - Me neither.

I've managed to avoid it for 30 years and now here I am,

and I'm not even gonna get a ride tonight.

Right, let's get pissed.

Looks kosher to me, gov. Lunch?

Bit of a coincidence, isn't it, with him up for deportation next week?

But it's Saturday.

Got something better to do, have you? Big plans?

- No. - A hot date? Washing your hair?

No, you don't.

And I am dying for a slash. Duck.

Molly.

I look like a hippo. I do, don't I?

You look gorgeous. You look gorgeous.

Don't mind the old hag, eh? Just relax. Just relax, come on.

- It's our perfect day. - Yeah, you're right.

Come on, Sophie, relax.

Relax.

How are you doing, Dad?

- I'm fine, Molly. How are you? - Very good. Thanks, Dad.

Haven't you got something for me?

Oh, yeah, um...

I'll give it to you later.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

- Oh! - What? Oh.

- Did you see what that guy did? - Who?

Bloody cheek.

Follow that car! Come back here, fella, and do that again!

- I'll cut off your balubas! - Oh! Found it.

- I'm talking to you! You! - Oh, thank God.

- You Okay? - Yeah.

Hey, beautiful.

Hello. Welcome to the Napoleon Hotel.

Hi.

Who's that?

Please, please, please, please, please, be quiet! Please!

Nobody said anything to me about two weddings. I booked this hotel for today.

- Hey, me too. - Yeah, so did we, sunshine.

Do you mind? We're having a private conversation with the manager.

Oh.

Hey. Shotgun wedding, was it? Still time to run.

What did she say?

Nothing. Um... Look, what's going on here?

It's Okay. We have two reception rooms here. There is no problem.

There. Ya happy now, Barbie?

- What does she mean by that? - Leave it, Barbie. Leave it, Sophie.

- She's not worth it. - Hey, there's no need to get personal.

Ladies and gentlemen, please, all is under control.

Could the Butlers please go with Michael and take to the left?

The Okinwes follow me to the right.

- Thank you. - I didn't even understand that.

- This way. - Come on, everyone! This way!

Cheerio! Congratulations.

You are very welcome, sir.

Everything as you request.

The main room. This is the dancing room. And you've got the dining room.

I could murder a coke, Dad.

- I'll get you one, OK? - Thanks.

Hey, could you stop calling him that? He's not your dad.

He is now. I was at the wedding, remember?

Seen anyone for me?

Hey, he's cute.

- Hey. - How are you? Are you well?

Good, thanks. How are you?

Don't worry, love. Fate'll send you someone when you least expect it.

I've no faith in fate. It always lets me down.

Hey.

Right, what'll youse have?

If you'd like to follow me, the wedding photographs will be taken in the garden.

Ah, Jesus. Can we not use the photos from the last time?

- It's the same people. - We are doing everything right, Okay?

This is the real wedding. Forget about the last one.

Come on, now, everybody outside.

Follow me, please.

Come this way.

Okay, nice and close together. That's it. That's lovely.

Thank you. Nice, happy smiles.

Sophie, smile. More.

- That's great. And again. - Is that the best you can do?

Sorry, excuse me, excuse me. I just... How do I do this?

There.

- Is that your shot? - Yes.

- All right. - That's it. OK, here we go.

One more. Lovely.

Have one of me and Freddie, eh?

You'd better not hurt my daughter again, do you hear me?

- I wouldn't. - That's good.

Okay.

We'll just have one more. Yeah, just take one more.

Ooh.

I'll be keeping me eye on you, all right, boy?

Yeah.

- Yeah. - Right, let's go eat.

- See you inside. - Hey, guys.

See you.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, be... Be there in a minute. So...

- That's me da there. - He's not your da.

- He is. How would you know? - You're a liar, pants on fire.

He is me da. And you were adopted.

Your real parents were axe murderers who cut off your granny's head.

- No, they're not. - Go ask if you don't believe me.

Ma!

Ah, champagne, Mary. James, how are you?

Ah, girls, here you go.

No, thanks, missus. We need something a bit stronger.

There you are. What are youse having?

Two double vodkas and slimline, please, Da.