Comfort and Joy

'Hello, children!

'This is Father Christmas speaking.

'Welcome to my Christmas sweet factory,

'where my little helpers make all those lovely tasty sweets

'that go into your Christmas stocking.

'Watch how it's done.

'First of all, they fill the special sweet-making machine with sugar

'and then they add all the other lovely mixtures

'that go to make up your favourite sweets.

'Here you can see some of my little helpers...'

God rest ye merry, gentlemen

Let nothing you dismay

Remember Christ, our Saviour, was born on Christmas Day

To save us all from Satan's power when we were gone astray

O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy

O tidings of comfort and joy

In Bethlehem in Jewry this blessed babe was born

And laid within a manger upon this blessed morn

The which His Mother Mary nothing did take in scorn

O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and Joy

O tidings of comfort and joy

From God our Heavenly Father a blessed angel came

And unto certain shepherds brought tidings of the same...

- Thank you. Bye. - Bye-bye.

- You'll be the death of me, Maddy. - Shut up and get the car.

You're going bald. It must be nerves.

Thank you.

These are all size large.

You've got to stop it, Maddy. I can't stand the strain.

Stay home, then.

If you've got to steal things, then at least be practical.

We needed onions. We did not need more Christmas lights.

You buy the food, I'll get the goodies.

Please don't smoke in the car, Maddy.

Stop it.

Now, Maddy, have you any idea

what a burning cigarette can do to velour upholstery?

I can live with the pollution,

but you're becoming a fire hazard too, and that's a problem.

Now, look, don't get me wrong. I'm not worried about the car.

I can live without it. It's your own safety that concerns me.

The summer's gone...

And all the leaves are dying...

Very nice. Thank you, Maddy.

But why the four sets of Christmas lights?

I want to have lots of lights on the tree.

Well, we can always use the other two sets as spares.

No, they'll all go on the tree.

Okay.

Do you want to go out tonight?

No.

Do you want to eat?

Later.

Do you want to wrap Auntie Betty's handbag?

No.

- What time is it, Alan? - Christmas time, I think.

Just a wee something.

Cheers.

Maddy, I think it's time we took some of the price tags off these things.

Why?

I think there were some tags on the olives.

Okay.

What are you doing? Are you collecting them or what?

I am, yeah. You get a Ford Fiesta.

Are you sure you don't want to go out, Maddy? It's only eight.

No.

Maddy? What are you up to?

I'm leaving, Alan.

I'm taking some things, my things, and I'm leaving.

I meant to tell you ages ago, but the moment didn't arise.

I have to go.

I wanted to talk to you about it, but it just didn't happen.

Maddy, please. Sit down. We can talk about it now.

It's too late.

George is coming over soon. He's hired a truck.

I meant to tell you ages ago.

It's your sister set this up, didn't she? It's your crazy sister!

No, it's me. I'm doing it.

I asked George to help me move out. That's all.

To be honest, this last room may take a while.

No, be all right. Be finished quick, I would think.

Evening, Alan. All right?

- All right? - Good evening.

Fellows, if you could go through here...

- Aye, sure. - There's a table and some chairs.

Well, you're quite serious about this, then, Maddy?

Look, I'm really sorry about this, Alan. I'm just helping out.

There'll be no hard feelings, eh? I mean, it's just just women.

George, there's some more chairs in the kitchen.

- Right, Maddy. - Maddy, baby, please talk to me.

- Please stay and talk to me. - Don't let's drag it out, Alan.

Don't be cruel.

- Could you take that? - Nice chair.

Aye, lovely. Sorry.

Maddy!

Please stop this, Alan. You're not making it easy.

You don't make anything easy.

All right, just leave the book. I'm reading it, eh?

- Just leave that book. I'm reading it. - No, put it in the box. It's my book.

I'm halfway through it. Could you just leave the damn book?

- You didn't buy it. - Neither did you buy it.

- Well, it's mine. - Right.

Right. Well, that's my sweater, if it comes down to it, so give me the sweater.

You're upset. Don't be childish.

If I'm a child, well, you're a thief!

I only wanted it as a keepsake.

But if you feel that strongly about it, you can have it.

Have the book too, with my compliments.

I don't want to do this, you know.

I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't want to do it.

Well, it's very good of you, Alan, very good. No, down, down.

Now easy with the handle. Right.

So, you really, really want to leave, then, eh?

You really want to go?

Now? Leave?

Yeah.

It's a bit of a shock.

I know.

I wanted to get the lights on the tree for you before I left.

Well, come upstairs and do that, then?

No, you do it.

Don't leave it bare.

Can I drive you anywhere?

No, I'll go with George.

Be good.

It's six o'clock in the morning!

- Morning, Moira. - Good morning, Dicky.

On 261 we're bringing you the national news on the hour!

'This is the six o'clock news headlines with Peter Porter reporting.

'More fighting has broken out in Berunda, West Africa.

'Rival guerrilla groups are claiming victory over President Mandi's Republican troops

'and Radio Berunda last night announced a total curfew in the capital.'

In Washington, the Pentagon has confirmed

that the US fleet at present exercising off the coast of Berunda

would continue its watching patrol.

In the Middle East, the hoped-for settlement of fighting in Avonia

has hit new obstacles.

Delegates from both sides abandoned the Christmas peace conference yesterday

and later fresh rocket attacks took place at the capital's airport.

27 people died before UN troops managed to stop the shelling.

And in the Far East, 40 civilian refugees died

in heavy bombing attacks on the island of Samato

when the Christmas truce there broke down yesterday.

Opponents of the dictatorship government of President Barmai

claimed that the armed forces were deliberately attacking civilian targets

as an act of provocation.

More foreign news.

Mamie, the giant panda, recently arrived at the Moscow Zoo,

as a gift from the People's Republic of China,

might just be pregnant.

Officials at the Moscow Zoo

said that tests today should confirm the pregnancy.

All this week, Mamie has been off her food

and suffering from morning sickness.

Mamie needs peace and quiet now, said the zoo official.

And lastly, the weather for west central Scotland and the city.

This morning will be milder than overnight,

still no sign of a white Christmas,

and some light rain might reach the area by early evening.

The next news at seven,

and now stand by for your daily dose of Dicky Bird.

National news on the hour!

Thanks for all that wonderful six o'clock news, Peter.

You know, I keep telling him that it would be cheaper

to telephone the early news to those half a dozen poor souls

that have been listening to yawn-a-minute Kelly all night,

- but he won't listen to me. - Time to get up!

Hello, Dicky! Good morning!

Hello!

- Hello! - Good morning! Tweet-tweet!

Anyway, the fun starts now

because Dicky Bird is here to get you up, get you to work

or wherever it is you have to be by nine.

Don't you know what they say about the early worm?

- The early worm! - What do they say?

It always gets the bird

Yes, "The Dicky Bird Early Worm Show".

Hello there!

- You okay, kid? - Aye, I'm fine.

Keep your pecker up?

He's done it again, folks. Kelly's fallen asleep at the microphone.

I got here only just in time.

Anyway, here's a quick traffic roundup.

There's absolutely nothing in the streets right now, not a car in sight,

so why don't you take advantage of that?

Get in your car and get into work straightaway.

You'll be in three hours early,

and there'll be another traffic roundup at the same time tomorrow.

And Nancy in the front office has just come in to tell me that

the lookalikes competition has captured her imagination again this week.

A man from Paisley has just phoned in

to say that his wife is the absolute double of Richard Nixon.

We'll believe anything that happens in Paisley,

but the rules are either a photograph sent up here to the station

or why don't you just pop up and let Nancy check you out in person?

And I can tell you that's a journey very, very well worth making?

Lookalike, lookalike, someday famous

I've just seen the very lovely Anne coming in there

to give us the 8.30 travel roundup.

I wonder who Anne thinks she looks like?