House of Lies

Previously, on House of Lies...

Jeannie, you're in the clear.

I guess I taught you well, huh, Jeannie?

You out-Marty'd Marty Kaan.

The fact that we have to share space

with those douchey proto-fascist mavericks

makes me want to strap a bomb to my chest.

If working for me is such an unspeakable misery,

get another job.

So this is where you leverage me out.

You're a fucking phony, Malcolm.

And you're a fucking sellout, Martin,

but we're still brothers. I'm pregnant, Marty.

Are you telling me that we're... No.

After everything between us,

I rekindled something with Edwin.

Yes! I wouldn't have tricked

anybody else into marrying me.

I need to tell you something.

I panicked,

and I... said Edwin.

It's yours.

Can't really get over

everything that's happened,

but we need to just get through this transition,

and then you should leave, for good.

Hey. Lazybones.

What? Get up

and fuck your ovulating wife.

What?

Use the Fuck Force, Doug.

Oh, um, no, no, no. Uh-uh.

Sweetie, can you not touch him?

Wait... Oh, you've got two of them?

No, no, no. It's just...

the value diminishes exponentially.

But I want to be touched.

I need to be touched. They don't talk like that.

I will die without human contact!

Oh, God, you're scraping. Don't scrape them,

because you'll scratch the surface. Sarah!

Good morning. Hey.

You want breakfast? Uh, no, I got company.

Big shocker.

I could hear you guys doing it all night. Hey.

No, seriously, Marty.

I'm already fucked up enough.

Sorry.

Language...

and don't call you Marty.

Well done.

So, you gonna watch Uncle Malcolm's big debut tonight?

Oh, let me think. No.

Well, he's really excited about it.

I know. When baby goes poopy,

we're supposed to make a big fuss.

It's a big deal to him. Yeah, but here's the thing.

I'm going to Seattle,

and they just don't have TV yet.

Oh. I didn't know that.

Yeah, I mean, they're just behind. Is that right?

They'll catch up. Okay.

What is it gonna take, Doug? Well, it certainly

won't involve depreciating a valuable investment, Sarah.

This is a toy for a geek.

This? No, no, wrong. Yes, that.

Incorrect. Uh-uh. No, these all

are valuable investments-- like-like art or fine wine.

Well, I'm pretty sure fine wine isn't humiliating

to have all over your house. What were you doing to her?!

Please. What? I'm just holding it.

Okay, would you prefer I keep them in an art storage facility?

Oh, man, did you just say "art storage facility"?

You can't even take them out of the box. You know that.

And you're touching everything-- your oily fingers

and the fecal matter all over them. Hey.

If I got a black light and I...

Hey, are we gonna get in this bed... and do it?

- Oh... - Or are you going to make me be bad teacher?

Miss Pendegast?

Mm-hmm.

She's very mean today.

Well, yes, she has every right to be.

And I'm so sorry that I have been

so bad in biology... Miss Pendegast.

Frankly, Douglas, your grades have been perverted.

Well, is there anything I can do to get my grades... up?

We acquired it at three bucks a share

and dumped it at $240.

So yeah, there can be some collateral damage,

but when you're profit-taking in the billions... shit happens.

God, I love when you use the "B" word.

So when are you gonna

rape and pillage my company?

Mm. I think I'm gonna stick to raping and pillaging you.

Whoa, don't threaten me with a good time.

Oh, I will. I will flip this table over right now.

I'll make it happen. Really?

Well, no, seriously, though, I mean...

why wouldn't Global want to acquire a company like mine?

With this Gage account coming in, all this attention,

we're gonna be fucking huge.

No, no, educate me. Well,

unlike its namesake, your company is ultimately... teensy.

Oh, that's a dick reference.

Mmm. Yeah, that's right. Got it.

Okay, well, I'll just escape with the compliment, then.

I mean, if I could take Kaan and Associates and, like, ten other

management firms and put them in a blender

and strain the fat, then maybe.

Okay, so you're saying if K and A were part of a...

delicious management consultancy bouillabaisse...

Mmm. Yummy.

Yummy.

Kelsey.

Hey, Doug. Oh, hey.

'Sup? Well, you know, not much.

Not much.

What's wrong with you?

Like a Muppet. This is between me and Kelsey.

Right. Okay. So, how's it going at the day care center?

Hey... guy whose name I don't remember,

you're awesome, or whatever, but I made

a solemn vow, like, six months ago

not to date any assholes for a year, so...

mark your calendar. Why don't we

slow down there, Peter Pan. What would give you

the impression that I want to date you

in the first place? I mean...

you're not even in my arousal template.

- Bye, Doug. - Bye.

You're n... she's not in my arousal template.

- You know that for a fact. - Hey.

Tom and Jerry.

Oh, and by the way,

Peter Pan is not a put-down, Clyde.

I think you're forgetting Cathy Rigby.

I would tap that. Oh, yes.

Peter Pan is a boy-- so you want to have sex with a boy?

No. Uh-uh. No, no, she is a girl who looks like a boy. Okay?

Let's talk brand analysis for Krolls.

I don't think we can walk in there and just wing it.

Yeah, so I pulled their P-and-L's.

They're very solid, okay?

I've put together a plug-and-play,

did a SWOT analysis... I would kind of like

to run it against the Five Forces Analysis.

Hey, kiddies, I got it, okay?

Okay, do you want to share it?

Just draft off my Mensa shit.

You know, I actually have some ideas of my own.

I know that might shock you. Really?

You know, when Mommy and Daddy fight,

it hurts me in my no-no place.

Your n... your dick. It hurts you in your dick.

Yes, my dick. Okay, Krolls...

beloved folksy skin-care line-- good--

has plateaued-- bad-- and they are looking

to K and A, now that we're all shiny and new again,

to lead them to the promised land.

Hallelujah!

Don't. What?

The upside is that this engagement is wide open, okay?

We can write our own ticket. You really don't care

about my input on this engagement, do you?

Define "care."

Their brand health

is excellent, okay?

And all their survey metrics around intent to purchase

are off the charts. They're on the charts,

and skin care is a red ocean, Martin.

We just need to demonstrate

that their current management structure--

with, you know, a little assistance from K and A--

can convert their brand to rock star status.

That's it. Or, conversely, we can encourage them

to sell to a major, do some profit-sharing

and enjoy their house in the San Juan Islands. Wrong.