Chris Rock: Bring the Pain

Live from the Takoma Theatre in Washington D.C.

Are you ready?

D.C., are you ready?

It's time to bring the pain, give it up for Mr. Chris Rock!

What's up?

Washington!

D.C., chocolate city!

That's right! Home of the Million Man March!

That's right, the Million Man March!

That had all the positive black leaders there!

Farrakhan, Jesse (Jackson)

Marion Barry ...

Marion Barry... at the Million Man March!

How did he get a ticket?

It was a day of positivity! How'd he get it?

Marion Barry at the Million Man March, do you know what that means?

It means that even in our finest hour we had a crackhead on stage!

Yeah, boo if you want, you know I'm right!

How the hell did Marion Barry get his job back?

Smoked crack and got his job back. How the hell did that happen?

If you get caught smoking crack at McDonald's you can't get your job back!

That's right, they not gonna trust you around the Happy Meals!

They'll send yo' ass to Hardee's!

.

Smoked crack and got his job! All I wanna know who was so ...

Who ran against him that they lost?

Who was so bad they lost to a crackhead?

What was their campaign like? Were they, on heroin?

"Vote for me!"

"Vote for me! Don't vote for crack, vote for smack!"

Marion Barry... come on now, how are you gonna tell little kids to not get high...

when the mayor's on crack?

"Don't get high. You won't be nothing." "I could be Mayor!"

Crack everywhere, crack everywhere ... you know what they say?

"Crack is destroying the black community."

"Crack is destroying the ghetto."

Yeah, like the ghetto was so nice before crack!

They say that shit like everybody in the hood had a mansion, a yacht and a swimming pool ...

... then crack came by and dried it all up!

I think we always focus on the negative side of crack ...

Always on the negative side of crack.

What about the good side of crack? What about the beauty of crack?

What about the good things that crack has brought into our minds that were not here before?

Do you know what the good side of crack is?

If you're up at the right hour you can get a VCR for $ 1.50!

You can furnish your whole house for $10.95. Why? 'cause of crack!

Shit ...

At Christmastime, have you ever buy somebody a crack gift?

They think you've got them something. "Oh, you should not have!" "I didn't!"

Bought it from a crackhead!

I think they should just legalize crack. Legalize it.

Do you know why I want them to legalize crack?

Just so my friends' mothers can have something to brag about.

"You know, Ronald got his own crack house now!

Johnny's got his own crack house.

When I drive by every day, I go there my baby's crack house right there.

They got jumbo.

Legalize it, man. All drugs should be legal.

Why? People want to get high.

That's right. People think about getting high right now.

People are like: "Damn, how much longer is this show?"

People love to get high! You could get rid of all the illegal drugs in the world it won't mean shit.

People wanna get high.

If you get rid of all the crack, all the herb, all the blow, you know what'll happen?

People'll just think of new ways of gettin' high.

That's right, guys will go in their basement and become scientists like, "Check this out, check this out!"

"You know, if you get a baby's bottle, right? Fill it up with a little gasoline, dead lima beans and then suck it. You'll be fucked up!"

That's right man! Now we've got the war on drugs. Bullshit!

The war on drugs is bullshit, it is the way to get more motherfuckers in jail, that's all it is ... yeah!

That's all it is!

The drug dealers don't really sell drugs.

The drug dealers ... offer drugs!

I'm thirty years old, ain't nobody ever sold me drugs.

Nobody has ever sold nobody in this room some drugs!

You ever in your life not thinking about getting high and somebody sold you some fucking drugs?

Hell, no!

The drug dealers offer: "Man, you want some smoke, you want some smoke?"

You say "No", that's it!

Now, Jehovah's Witnesses, on the other hand ...

Shit!

No, man, drug dealers don't sell drugs: drugs sell themselves.

It's Crack, it's not an encyclopedia, not a fucking vacuum cleaner!

You don't really gotta try to sell crack, okay?

I never heard a crack dealer go, "Man, how am I gonna get rid of all this crack?"

"It's just piled up in my house!"

That's right, man! I don't fuck around.

Probably main reason I do not do drugs is my big brother. Big brother.

Junkie alcoholic! But doesn't eat pork, 'cause "pork's no good for ya!"

People are full of shit, man. People shoot heroin, and go: "You know, red meat'll kill you!"

What do you mean "red meat'll kill you"?

Only in America we say some bullshit like "red meat'll kill you."

We've got too much food in America. Too much food!

"Red meat can kill you"? People are starving all over the world!

What do you mean, "Red meat will kill you"? No, no no!

Don't eat no red meat? No. Don't eat no green meat, okay?

What are you talking about? You know, if you are one of the chosen few people on this earth

who's lucky enough to get your hands on a steak: bite the shit out of it!

Too much food in America!

We've got so much food in America, America is the only country in the whole world that makes people feel bad for being fat.

The only country in the whole world. People are starvin' all over the world.

You're fat some place else, people are like: "Damn, how'd you do that?"

"That's amazing! I gotta hang with you!"

"Oh, you think you're all that with your fat ass?" "I put on some weight, we're gonna hang! "

Too much food in America, man!

We've got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food!

Hungry people aren't allergic to shit!

So do you think anybody in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?

Now we've got some people who don't eat pork, what the fuck is that shit about?

You don't eat pork! You don't eat pork!

Some people don't eat pork for religious reasons, which I think is dumb,

I ain't shittin' on no one's religion... but I refuse to believe

that on Judgment Day my diet's goin' to come into question, OK?

What you eat don't got shit to do with who you are as a person, ok?

"Hey God, I killed a bunch of kids... but I ate right!"

No! That ain't gonna happen, man. No.

You see, people don't realize that religious books were written by man.

Man wrote everything. Man wrote the Bible, man wrote the Koran, man wrote the Torah, all that shit written by men.

And thousands of years ago, before... you know, like, 5,000 years ago,

before there was Reynolds Wrap, before there was refrigerators, before there was freezers, before there was seasonin'...

a pork chop might kill you!

That's right, one drop: "Aaaah!" Dead!

But times have changed. That's right, you see, times have changed,

People, you know, 5,000 years ago were like, "Damn, this pork is killin' everybody!"

"How can we get people to not eat pork?"

"Ok! Tell them God said, don't eat it."

And everybody said, "Okay, tell 'em God said, don't eat it." And they stopped eatin' it.

But times have changed though. And now we've got refrigerators, we've got freezers,

we've got Saran Wrap, we've got Reynolds Wrap! Now a pork chop's your friend!

That's right, if you are starvin', a pork chop will save your life!

Shit, I'll eat a pig's ass, if they cook it right!

My family's from the South. You know, people from the South love some pork.

No matter what you eat down South, they've got some pork in it!

"Hey, this is a good fish, what kind of fish is it?" "Pork fish!"

You know what the nastiest part of pork is? Pig feet.

Pig feet be sittin' in that old-ass jar,

that same jar been sittin' in the store since you was about 14 years old!

And pig feet are floating around in that liquid, the brown beige rust liquid ...

What is the liquid? What is that, pig piss?

And people actually pick out the pig feet

"No, not that one, the other one..."

Like there's a difference in nasty-ass pig feet!

"No, give me that one, the one with the nail in it!

"Nah, I want the athlete's pig foot!"

A lot of stuff goin' on this year. Everything racial this year.

What was the big thing this year? Elections! Colin Powell!

"He should run! He could win! Colin could win, he should run!"

Can't win! Colin Powell can't win!

Colin Powell's got a better chance of winning the bronze in female gymnastics...

...than bein' the President of the United States.

Get the fuck out! White people ain't votin' for Colin Powell!

They say they are-- They are not!

Ok? Just wanna soup his head up, make him run, he'll get killed tryin' to run.

Shit, Colin Powell!

White people say they gonna vote for him 'cause it seems like the right thing to say.

It just seems like a cool thing to say: "Yeah, Ima vote for him..."

It just seems like the right thing to say, just like when you ask somebody if they want to be an organ donor.

They always say "yeah"... But nobody wants to be an organ donor!

Nobody, it just seems like the right thing to say.

Shit, organ donor is for people with no faith at all!

You know, what if they figured out a way to bring you back from the dead? And now I ain't got no eyes!

Ain't this a bitch! Back from the dead and I can't see shit!

"Mom, I'm back! Momma, where's my eyes?

"You gave them to a little boy in Idaho?

"Now I gotta go kill him to get my eyes back!"

Colin Powell can't be president!

You know how I could tell Colin Powell can't be president?

Whenever Colin Powell is on the news, white people always give him the same compliments.

Always the same compliments! "How do you feel about Colin Powell?" "He speaks so well!"

"He's so well-spoken!", "He speaks so well!", "I mean, he really speaks well!", "He speaks so well!"

Like that's a compliment! "Speaks so well" is not a compliment, Ok?

"Speaks so well" is some shit you say about retarded people, that can talk!

What do you mean "He speaks well"? What, did he have a stroke the other day?

What the fuck? He's a educated man. How the fuck do you expect him to sound, ya dirty motherfucker? What are you talkin' about?

"He speaks so well ..."

What are you talking about, "he speaks so well"?

What voice were you lookin' to come outta his mouth? What the fuck did you expect him to sound like?

"I'm gonna drop me a bomb today!"

"I'll be prez-o-dent!"

Get the fuck outta here!

Now they're talkin' that Colin Powell should run for vice president.

Do it for his country. Fuck the country! Shit!

He gonna run with a guy he could beat. He gonna run with fuckin' Dole. He could beat Dole!

They only ask a black man to do somethin' that fuckin' stupid. Run with a guy he could beat.

Get the fuck out of here!

They wouldn't ask no white guy to do no shit like that!

They're not gonna ask Al Gore to run with Al Sharpton, no!

Get the fuck out of here, man!

Vice-President... you know what? That ain't gonna happen!

As long as you live you ain't ever gonna see no black vice president.

Not while the president's white!

Oh no, you will never see... do you know what they say, "never say never"? I'm sayin' never!

You will never see no black vice president. Not while there's a white president, and you know why?

'Cause some black guy would just kill the president, that's why!

Shit, I'd do it!

If we had a black vice president right now, I couldn't wait to kill the president!

Shit!

Now what's gonna happen? What're you gonna you do, put me in jail with a bunch of black guys

that'll treat me like a hero for the rest of my life?

Shit, even if they had a death penalty, what would happen? Get pardoned by the black president!

I'd be the biggest star in the history of jail!