Set It Up

Jessica, the phones!

Jonathan, cancel my 10:00.

Conor, get in here. Conor?

- Bring me my lunch! - What's my password?

Rachel, where were you? Were you in the back?

[Martha Reeves & The Vandellas' "Nowhere to Run" playing]

Hey! What's-your-face.

Coming.

No, no, no. I said no onions. I said onions were fatal.

As in if there are onions, I will be killed.

I know it says, "Do not duplicate," but my boss says, "Do duplicate."

And right now, her rules supersede the state of New York's.

Janet, I've got a master's in sociology and nothing else to do today.

Put me on hold as long as you want.

I'm not hanging up until his seat is bumped to first class.

- - I'm coming.

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

Hi, Tammy.

He wanted me to let you know that he's breaking up with you

and he needs you out of the apartment by 6:00.

You think you can break up with me? I wanna talk to Richard.

- Get that asshole on the phone. -

Get this to my doctor. That needs to be warm.

And ask if it's contagious.

Be free. Heh. Save yourself.

- Are you trying to starve me? - No.

My bones are eating themselves. Order me that thing

that I like from that place with the gay waiter.

We're doing a second dinner?

And make sure that this is at 10,000 steps before Yuvus gets here tomorrow.

I do not want him to think I was not working out between sessions.

Got it.

Hi, yes. Oh, my God. I've been on hold for so long.

Yes, the truffle mac and cheese, the kale salad...

And a hamburger.

Forty-five minutes? Is there any way it could be five minutes instead?

No?

That's fine. I'll be here for the next 45 minutes.

I'll be here forever.

Taxi!

Just waiting for my boss.

Rick Otis. He'd been on Shark Tank. Forbes 40 Under 40.

- Doorway area is for members only. - Yeah.

Just gotta call my girlfriend. Her name's Suze. She's very pretty.

Suze. Rick's working late at the District Club. Can I just meet...?

I'm out.

- How'd it go? You, uh, gonna invest? - Ha. I'll invest in that company when they figure out

how to dip their dicks in ink and write the Japanese symbol for "horse shit."

Do the thing.

Think of seared cod.

Melt-in-your-mouth uni. Buttered carrots, mashed potatoes, crispy onion rings.

Ah.

- Okay. - I will see you tomorrow.

No. You're coming with me back to the office.

Oh.

- Should I order dinner? - Of course not. I just had my juice.

- Sometimes you end up wanting dinner. - Shut my damn door.

Here you go, Kirsten.

So...

tomorrow, we're gonna post the Alex Morgan profile in the morning

and the Belichick interview in the afternoon.

Hold the Belichick interview. Josh is writing like he's at The Post.

The Line Up is about the story behind the score.

I need fresh eyes for a rewrite.

- Did you return my blue jacket? - Yes.

After a 2-hour commute to their warehouse and an intense talk with a saleswoman

that ended with us in tears, I got a full refund.

- I want it back. What else? - Absolutely.

You owe RSVPs to Polly's wedding, Annie's baby shower,

Bridget's baby shower, Alice's son's birthday. You RSVP'd Jane's wedding,

but they need your okay to share a room with Helen since you're both coming alone.

Do they need me to confirm

that I'm gonna spend a thousand dollars a night

to share bunk beds like kids at sleep-away camp?

No.

This site is less than a year old.

I can't be expected to attend every friend of a friend's kid's 3rd birthday.

Decline every invitation and send a $200 gift.

$200 gift.

There should be three times as many story ideas by now.

I might have a story idea.

It's not fleshed out. I haven't cracked it, so...

Oh, good. So, you're telling me it's bad before I've even heard it.

It's this thing... called the Gerilympics.

It's an Olympics for senior citizens.

They have races, ping-pong, Nerf basketball, and weightlifting.

Yes, people think it's silly. People think it's silly, but...

But it gives them something to live for. And a lot of them

were athletes who never even got a chance to, like...

To live their dreams.

It's just sometimes I get emotional over sports, just how they can provide...

Your dinner.

Which I'm gonna go get right now.

What's my tomorrow like?

Um... I moved your lunch to Ai Fiori's.

Kiki wants to go over divorce papers.

Okay, you can tell Kiki she can light herself on fire.

- And if she calls or...? - You tell her she don't divorce me.

I divorce her.

Call my lawyer and tell him to counter-serve her for serving me.

- I don't know if legally... - What is this? I hate it.

This is your son's science project.

It's a fun play on "when life gives you lemons..."

I'm using lemon battery to power...

Where's my dinner?

Did you want dinner? Because you s...

No problem.

Coming right up.

I order from you guys like three times a week.

You know that I'm good for it. I have three credit cards.

- Can I write a check? - Cash only.

What if I pay you triple... tomorrow?

Cash only.

What if I told you this face was a mask and I'm a 100-year-old gypsy

who will curse your family for generations?

Cash only.

What grocery store doesn't serve

saffron-infused Kobe beef cooked medium-rare?

I can't go up there and ask for cash, so my options are for you to help me

or for me to commit a felony.

Hi. Whose food is this?

- It's mine. - You got 31.32, it's yours.

I have cash. I have so much cash.

No. Hey, hey. That's my boss's dinner.

If I'm not upstairs in two minutes with that food, I will get fired.

- Can I borrow some money? - No.

This is my boss's dinner. If I'm not up in two minutes,

- I'm gonna be fired. - No, you won't. Look at you.

You'll just swoop in with your lacrosse stick and your fraternity connections.

You'll keep getting promoted for no reason. I need that food.

Thirty-two dollars. Keep the change. Thank you.

Is this happening? I will not forget this.

- Whatever. - Wait. Sir?

Sir. There are two dinners. One for me and one for her, so we could split it.

I can take one to my boss and you can take one to yours. Please. This is DEFCON 5.

DEFCON 5's the good one. Everything's safe, international travel's fine.

DEFCON 1! You know what I mean.

What are the meals?

Okay. I'm gonna take her the truffle mac and cheese.

You can have the burger.

Are you insane? I won't give him a plain hamburger. He has taste.

Okay. I'm gonna fix this, okay?

See what I'm making? It's a truffle cheeseburger with kale.

This burger could win awards. Pickle is my dinner.

- No, no, no. - What?

I won't give him a truffle cheeseburger without a pickle.

I wanna be paid back tomorrow, 8 percent interest, liquidity preference.

Do I look like I can afford interest?

I steal my toilet paper from the office bathroom.

You should learn to keep cash on you.

You should remember to order dinner before everything closes.

You know that pickle? That aforementioned pickle?

That wasn't for my boss. That was for me.

You're a monster.

- Oh, hi. - I'll need you in here before me tomorrow.

Okay, what time would that be? Do you want your food? Okay.

- Hello? - I'm here, I'm here. You took too long. I'm in bed.

Okay. Perfect. I'll get in with you.

I'm already asleep, baby.

I can wake you up. With my penis.

Not with my penis. You'll be fully awake when it touches... You know what I mean.

I have an early shoot tomorrow

and if I don't get eight hours, my face could be puffy.

- Can I call you in the morning? - Yeah. Sweet dreams... princess.

You can wake me up.

With your penis.

...should be the final play unless there's a penalty.

Kellogg's throw...

It's gonna be tapped and caught! It's caught!

It's caught!

- -

You're up! Oh, my gosh, hi.

How was your date?

It was good. He's in my room now drinking Gatorade

to recover from our vigorous love-making.

- Nice. - Really?

No. I worked late. Didn't make it in time.

Oh...

Dude, loved Kirsten's article about Cleveland fans.

- I sent it to ten people. - He did.

Wasn't it awesome? How was the party?

Gilbert was there.

You haven't seen him since...

Since she had sex with him in the bathroom on the Acela?

- You told him about that? - I could read it from your hand code.

I tell him everything, Harp.

If we had to avoid every guy she's had sex with

on public transportation, we'd never leave the apartment.

- Shut up. - Do you want a glass of cold water?

- Yes. I would love that. - Okay.

- I love you. - I love you so much.

- Love you, Mike. - I love you, Harper.

He's such a dork. Oh, God. I love him.

- I love you. I'm gonna go to bed. - Sweet dreams.

Good night.

- Janet? - What?

No way!