Pig Hunt

If I die in a combat zone,

box me up and ship me home.

Still going hunting with the morons?

If we're eating what we kill, that's your last supper.

Well, if I don't shoot anything, I'll just eat Quincy's dog.

Oh, don't listen to those animals, Wolfgang.

Any buds? Doses? "X"?

Get a job.

Got one.

Were you in the shit? Did you kill anybody?

Three... that I saw die.

Semper fi.

You ever see anybody die?

He can't. This is a guys' weekend. Bros, not hos.

Man, just 'cause Jeanette left you doesn't mean everybody has to be single.

She didn't leave me. Our priorities changed.

Right. She wanted to screw the night crew at Walmart.

Costco, asshole. There's a difference.

Yeah, because at Costco when you buy a case of condoms,

you get a coupon to fuck Jeanette.

Never trust someone who buys in bulk.

Thanks for being such good friends,

but John won't let me down. Fifty bucks-- Brooks is coming.

What do you think, Q-sinart?

Aw, I don't care. I got Wolfgang.

Good comparison.

That's my boy John.

And that's his girl.

Hey, Brooks, how's the art hangin'?

Apparently, it's not the kind of work buyers want to see on their walls.

All right, you boys ready to see how the other half lives?

Fifty times one. And I hope you didn't give all your singles to that vet.

Don't worry. I'm taking it out of part of your gas money.

Perfect place to bury a bitch.

I don't know what this shitty music is. It's Area Weapons.

It's Area Weapons.

Laura wants to know if you hunted as a kid.

Yeah, with my uncle. Shit.

Must be out of range. Too bad.

It was such an interesting conversation. It beats talking to you.

I'm sorry, Brooks.

So what's your new series of paintings about again?

The depravities of war.

You're pumpin', Q-bone. Yeah.

Wolfie needs some water anyway.

I need to get directions. To your own ranch?

My uncle's. I haven't been here since I was 16.

Things change.

How you doin' today, hoss?

Better than some.

We're lookin' for the Hickman ranch.

What do you bright-lighters want with that place?

I'm John Hickman, sir. Hey, John.

Haven't seen your face in a while.

You been takin' your turn over there, fightin' in the desert?

Not my war, sir. Well, maybe not.

But leap in. Way things are goin',

one's gonna find you.

Haven't sold many of these since your uncle--

Well, it's a damn shame.

So how do we get there?

You know the Tibbs place?

You hike out past where Fish Rock Road dead-ends--

Can you draw us a map?

You're right here.

From Jimmy Creek, go around Indian Hill...

to the flat near the curve.

Gonna find what you're lookin' for tucked right back in there.

Tell me somethin'.

Did you come to hunt him?

That kid, he comes from a long line of warriors.

His daddy and his uncle,

they got silver stars in Vietnam.

I heard another uncle didn't make it back. Real heroes often don't.

One man's heroism is another family's tragedy.

Did you get that one?

Yeah, buddy. All 320 pounds of him.

What's the biggest wild hog you ever heard of around here?

Well, they say the Ripper weighs 3,000 pounds.

Bullshit. Yeah? Who killed him?

Nobody.

He's still out there.

Kill it. Bloodthirsty.

Just kill the fuckin' thing. Relax.

Go on, little guy. Not there.

What the fuck?

Nice shot, Robin Hood. I want the rattle.

You hunters have no respect.

You see this Gurkha blade?

It can cut through a llama's head with one whack.

But it's never drawn without tastin' blood.

Same with this gun.

Take a bath, hippie.

You have a nice visit in these parts,

Negro.

What are you waiting for, Ben?

I can't believe you pulled the magnum out on that freak.

What if he calls the police?

Threatening us with a machete? Did you see that dirt-head cut himself?

Yeah, and I saw "Kid Crossbow" kill that snake. Thwack!

What if he follows us, John? I hope he does.

I'll take his head home as a trophy.

He's not following us. All right? No cops are gonna come.

Shit like this happens here all the time.

Ben, put that fucking gun away before it goes off.

I should have stayed in the city. I'm with Brooks.

Pull up your panty hose, Q-nut. There's no turnin' back.

Why don't we switch spots?

Now you're supposed to stick it 'tween her garter, Q-tip.

Uhh! How much farther?

There's the map.

I think we're up near her left nipple. No, actually, we're, uh--

We're down near her pubes.

You know, there's a reason you guys don't have girlfriends.

We can drop you and Brooks off here if you don't wanna hunt.

We could ask them for directions.

I know where we are now.

I wonder who got those pigs. Big Bad Wolf.

"Death walks on all fours."

Your uncle was quite a hunter. Some of these are mine.

That was a long time ago.

You fuckin' pussy! That's a possum.

I thought it was a rat.

Good boar, R.D. This is great.

You should have stewed up that possum.

Then we could have invited John's neighbors.

Do you think they did that to your uncle's place?

Wasn't them. What happened to your uncle?

Became an alcoholic.

What else is there to do out here? Hunt hogs.

Death walks on all fours. That's bullshit.

The store owner said there's a 3,000-pound pig rooting out here--

A real "Hogzilla".

Pigs don't get that big, do they? Domestics can.

As I kid I saw one at the county fair that was 2,000 pounds.

But wild hogs-- they don't get much bigger than 350.

And tusks? Like razor wire.

County fair.

There was a rodeo too. It was fun.

Yeah? I don't know.

There's something I don't trust about white people with ropes.

What do people do out here for a living?

Used to be a toxic waste dump.

Now they're hoping for a prison.

In the meantime, these hills are filled with marijuana.

Really? Pot's the biggest cash crop in California.

Fuck hunting. Let's get high.

At least I've been deer hunting.

I saw that piddly rack in your garage.

We're not huntin' Bambi.

What have you ever shot besides targets at the gun club?

At least I didn't stand by when my friend was in trouble.

All right, double or nothing on--

You done, boy?

Let's get back to our tent...

before the bogeyman gets us.

How come you never really talk about your uncle?

What is there to say?

When my father died, he sort of took over that role.

Taught me how to be a man.

Shoot straight.

We're living together a year.

When you pulled that crossbow out of the closet--

I didn't even know you were a hunter.

I'm not anymore.

There's something in you that comes alive when you're out there...

putting the sneak on your prey.

Tracking.

You have a purpose.

A well-defined objective.

A mission to assert your authority.

Most incredible rush,

getting an animal in your sights.

Knowing that it's them and not you--

There's an intense power...

knowing that you're gonna spill its blood--

That you're gonna take...

this living,

breathing thing's life.

There's just something so natural...

about the way blood flows,

reflex of your finger.

It can't be denied.

Total control.

Yeah.

John.

Do you hear something?

Hey there, John.

Ricky said you came back.

I didn't know you get takeout this far from the city.

Who the fuck are you? Oh, she's got a mouth on her.

What are you two doin' here?

Huntin'.

Time to get to Big Wallow. Right, John?

Nice guns.

What is this, an after-school special?

Well, if we wanna shoot more than blue jays,

we better get a move on.

Who the hell are you?

Old friends.