Shock Treatment

'Once upon a time, in a town not far from yours,

'there lived a real fast guy.

'His life was fast. His friends were fast.

'Even his food was fast.

'But he was still not satisfied.

'He wanted to share his fast philosophy

'with someone else:

'a beautiful girl.

'The trouble was she was in the arms of

'another man.'

Whoops!

Good luck, honey.

- What are we gonna do, Janet? - It's all right, Brad.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Well, how about that?

Wasn't that terrific?

And now for, well, certainly...

my favourite part of the show...

- and I sincerely hope yours at home. - Get the whole crowd.

- Our regular in-depth discussion... - Dressing room. Right here.

...with Judge Oliver Wright,

Denton's leading social scientist.

- Judge Wright? - Mm-hmm.

Did you enjoy our anthem?

In a way.

I detect a note of reticence.

Are you perhaps one of those amongst us...

who feel this emotive form of presentation is overly manipulative?

Well, Betty, there are many ways

that the spider may catch the fly.

There are monetary inducements.

- Hi, Brad. Hi, Janet. Come for Marriage Maze ? - 'Extortion.'

Seduction.

I'm exhausted working on this documentary for Farley's new show.

- Hmm? - 'Blackmail.'

- Farley Flavours, our new sponsor. - Oh.

- Whoo. - 'Prejudice.'

I tell you, Janet, that guy's as close as we'll come

to a successful man in this town.

- 'And lies.' - 'Thank you, Judge Oliver Wright.'

And now for a commercial break.

Okay, kids, let's hear the five F's for today.

- "F" for... - Farley!

- "F" for... - Flavours!

- "F" for... - Fabulous!

- "F" for... - Fast!

- And "F" for... - Five!

'First and foremost,

'Farley Flavours' fabulous fast foods

'feed and fortify families for a fabulous future.'

'Stand by for Marriage Maze. Strike Denton Dossier.'

Thank you so much, Judge Wright, for another wonderful interview.

Judge Wright? Oh, come on, Betty. First names surely.

Oh. Oliver. You're so tolerant.

Time for a coffee break before you rush off?

I'd love to, that is if you don't mind being seen with an older man.

Why, Oliver.

Since Ralph and I separated, maturity is something I look for in a man.

- Hi, Ollie. - Hi, Betty.

- Hi, Betty. - Hello, Neely.

You keep up that high standard of interview

and I'm gonna have to include you in Farley's documentary.

You're so probing.

A free thinker.

Everything's free there.

- Hi, Betty. The usual? - Plus one.

There you go. Hi, Max. Hey, you gonna be watching Marriage Maze?

- Sure am. This could be Bert Schnick's finest hour. - Yeah.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- This could be a major step forward for him. - Yeah, a leap in the dark.

I better go check on the Bert. Otherwise...

- Right. - Good luck.

Okay.

'And here to bring your just desserts

'and a recipe for a perfect marriage

'is that gorgeous gourmet,

'tossing the uproarious salad of life,

'Marriage Maze host, Bert Schnick.'

'Three seconds.'

- Hoopla, Denton! - Hoopla, Bert!

Thank you. Welcome. Thank you.

Before we start I want to say one or two words about tomorrow night's great new show...

The Faith Factory Sh...

And as a matter of fact, we have in the studio audience tonight

the host and his lovely cohost.

Give a big hand, please, to Ralph Hapschatt

and the vivacious Macy Struthers.

Hey, Ralph!

Let's get a camera in there, for heaven's sake.

- Over the moon about that commercial, Macy. - Thanks, Bert.

Got a good show lined up for us tomorrow night, Ralph?

You bet, Bert!

Good! I'm gonna be there! Ain't we all, viewers?

'Macy Struthers with my husband. God, I must've been blind.'

Still, the weaker the man, the dumber the blonde.

Isn't that Brad and Janet Majors sitting in the audience there?

'What an ideal couple they are.

'You know, more than anyone else in Denton, they represent the old values.'

Ike would have been proud of them.

And now, would the first couple who seem to have made a hash of their marriage

and cooked their goose, step this way, please!

- You! - That's us, Brad.

Come on. What's cooking up there? Come on down, you guys.

Let's feel you.

- I'm not going, Janet. - You've got to. Everyone's watching.

Face the cameras. Face the cameras.

Now introduce yourselves.

- My name is Brad... - I'm Janet... Oh. Sorry.

I'm Janet Majors, and this is my husband Brad.

Hey, Brad, we've been hearing some bad things about you. Haven't we, Janet?

- Haven't we, Janet? - Uh, yes, he needs help.

Help? Let's face it, Janet.

Brad's an emotional cripple.

'I know, I know.'

It looks like Rest Home for this stupid old marriage, eh?

Tell me, Janet. 'Do you watch Dentonvale ?

Uh, yes, I've caught it once or twice.

That's right. DTV's most popular hospital series

featuring those perennial favourites, Nation and Cosmo McKinley.

Neuro-specialists par excellence.

I recommend, if you pardon my French, Janet,

that you send Brad to them for treatment.

Oh, uh, well, I know he's a little boring, but neuro-specialists?

- That sounds a little drastic. - It's no use pussyfooting around, Janet.

We have to cut quick and deep.

McKinley? McKinley?

- Bert brought them over from Europe. - Oh?

They had a very popular series together. It's still rerun in a lot of countries.

- You must have seen them in Dentonvale ? - No, I never watch that.

I'm afraid there's only one solution. Isn't there, folks?

One, two, three.

Dentonvale!

Hoopla! Don't go away!

We'll be right back to see if Brad and Janet want to play or pass.

Great.

Congratulations. I think you've made a wise decision.

- But... But I... - Janet?

- I'm not going. - What do you mean, you're not going?

You'll ruin the show. Bert's made all the arrangements.

But I don't need treatment.

'But you do need glasses, eh, stupid?'

Doesn't he?

I am sick of being humiliated by you! Bert's right. You're going.

'It looks like Brad and Janet Majors have a big decision to make.

'Here's some more prizes to amaze here on Marriage Maze.'

'Living on a knife edge?'