Roald Dahl's Esio Trot (AKA Esio Trot)

I don't know about you,

but to me there's something a bit funny about tortoises.

The way even the teenagers are wrinkly.

I bet that leads to some awkward moments.

"Oh, Brian, I love you so much. How old are you?"

"I'm 17. How old are you, Janet?"

"I'm 86." "Goodness me. You're old enough to be my grandmother."

"Yeah, actually, Brian,

~ "I ~ AM ~ your grandmother."

But the story I want to tell you,

although it does involve tortoises, it doesn't begin with a tortoise.

It begins with a man called Mr Hoppy.

'Mr Hoppy, the hero of our story,

'lived in a nice flat in an apartment block in London.

'There are three things you should know about Mr Hoppy.

'He's kind...

'he's shy...

'and most importantly - he's not that guy in the hat.'

Oh, are you OK, Mr Mavrokoukoudopolous?

'He's the man in the lift.'

No rush, Mr Mavrokoukoudopolous. I'm holding the door.

~ Take your ti... ~ Whoa!

Ah!

You care for a crisp, Mr Pringle?

Ah, yes.

Lovely.

'And don't worry if he doesn't look the flashiest of fellows.

'I've learnt that very often in life,

'it's the quiet, unassuming ones

'who turn out to be the most interesting.'

I'll have to fix that.

A Kiss To Build A Dream On by Louis Armstrong

'I think we can safely say Mr Hoppy lives alone.

'Either that or his family are very small eaters

'and all having a sleep at the moment.'

Bom bom bom...

'No. He lives alone.'

'But don't worry,

'this isn't going to be one of those stories where a lonely bloke

'wanders around a flat for two hours

'and then dies alone of a horrible disease.

'It's going to be full of passion and surprises -

'as indeed is our Mr Hoppy.'

Raspberry Cream, meet Wisley Vanilla.

The truth is there were two loves in Mr Hoppy's life.

One was his flowers

and the other was a secret love he kept all to himself.

And like so many secrets,

it was the most important thing of all about him.

Because Mr Hoppy was in love...

with the girl downstairs.

Good morning, Mr Hoppy.

Ah.

Mrs Silver.

Hello.

Hello.

By the way, our story is mainly concerned with this -

the second love.

If you want to find out about the flowers, watch Gardeners' World.

I mean, I like plants as much as the next bloke, but this is very much

not a "will or won't the dahlias blossom before the frost kicks in?"

type of thing.

Oh, wait, I think that's mine. Hey!

Hey!

Another absolutely gorgeous morning.

Yes. Gorgeous. Absolutely.

Another one of them.

The sort of weather that makes me want to just

take off all my clothes and dive naked into the nearest lake.

Don't you think, Mr Hoppy?

~ Mr Hoppy? ~ Yes.

Yes, yes.

Perfect weather for jumping into lakes

wearing very little.

'Sadly, Mr Hoppy was so shy,

'he couldn't even ask Mrs Silver round for a cup of tea...'

let alone dive stark naked into a lake with her.

But he loved her.

And he remembered the precise moment he'd fallen in love.

'Which happened to be the first moment he ever met her -

'five years ago.'

Hold that lift!

Oh, thank you so much, you darling man.

Oh, they won't be long.

~ What floor are you? ~ Four.

Oh, isn't that lucky? I'm moving in on three, below you.

I hope you're not one of those rowdy types,

keeping me up all night with your hip-hop stylings.

No. But my name is Mr Hoppy, in fact.

Hoppy. Oh, what a gorgeous name!

And do I detect a little American accent there?

Well, yes, I am an American.

Oh, how divine. Oh, you're a gorgeous bunch.

From Cary Grant to Paul Newman,

I can't keep my hands off the lot of you!

Oh, I'm Mrs Silver. Lavinia. Facebook status - widowed.

Ah. My Facebook status is "I'm not in the Facebook".

No. Too busy living, I expect.

Oh, come in, boys. We've held the lift.

Come in.

Would it be easier if I maybe took the next one,

give you a little more room?

No, no, it's just getting cosy!

Wonderfully quiet lift.

~ That's very good news. ~ Yes.

I don't think anyone's actually pushed a button yet.

Oh!

I'm such a silly sausage sometimes.

Ooh!

You're four. I'm three.

Perhaps I should press two and one as well and give us

more time to get to know each other.

'He never forgot that first brief encounter'

and every time he met her from then on

just made him love her even more. Summer.

Don't you just love it when summer finally comes?

Autumn.

Oh.

Always such a relief when summer's over.

Mm.

'Winter.'

This is so much my favourite time of year.

Spring.

Oh.

Spring at last!

Doing something special tonight, Mrs Silver?

Us midwives are going out for a good old knees-up.

Funny when you think of it - when we spent our entire careers

extracting babies from women lying with their knees up.

Oh... I... I didn't know you were a midwife.

Retired.

I just thought if I can't have kids myself,

I might as well just help others to have them.

How wonderful.

Well, perhaps you could come with me, Mr Hoppy?

~ You could waltz me off my feet. ~ Oh, no. I... I...

~ I'm not a dancer. ~ Nonsense.

There's no such thing as "not a dancer" -

just a person who's never found the right girl to dance with.

You're American, for heaven's sake - the land that brought us

Fred Astaire and John Travolta and...

that naughty little Justin Timberlake.

I know you can dance.

~ No, no, I can't. ~ Can!

No, I can't.

Can!

No, I really can't.

You bloody well can!

'He loved her and longed for her to love him back

'but there really were a lot of problems.

'For one thing, unlike Mr Hoppy, Mrs Silver didn't live alone.

'Well, she did for a while, but then she did something about it.'

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Oh! Well, hooray!

This is honestly the most exciting moment of my life.

Come in. Come in!

'She just went and got herself a new chap.'

A chap called Alfie.

Well... you are more gorgeous than I could possibly have dreamed.

Oh, my darling. What heaven.

We're going to have such a wonderful life together.

'From then on, Mrs Silver dedicated all her love

'and attention to her wrinkly companion.

'And although he wasn't the world's greatest conversationalist,

'she did quite enough talking for the both of them.'

Look, Alfie, that's me on my wedding day.

I'm not so sure about that dress any longer.

Rather too much bust, I think you'll agree.

Oh, and that chap there - that's my husband.

Look how tall he is. 6'3".

I only came up to his chest hair.

I never once saw the top of his head.

More a giant than a man.

A wonderful posture.

He was a perfect English gent...

and a prize-winning dancer.

Oh, he was so, so kind.

The things we were going to do. And the...

places we were going to go and the...

.. life we were going to lead.

Oh, that's enough of me gabbing on. You must be exhausted.

Time for your nap, my gorgeous.

I love you so much. I really do.

Even your little stubby legs.

Our love will last a lifetime, Alfie.

Sweet dreams.

'Oh, how Mr Hoppy wished she was saying those words to him.'

Not the ones about the little stubby legs, obviously,

but the others, about love.

His life was now terribly complicated -

head over heels in love with a woman whose only interest in life

was a small tortoise.

If only he could find the words to convince her of his love.

If only I'd been paying attention. I think I'm on the wrong bus.

That's the problem with stories.

You get swept up in them, you lose track.

Does he get anywhere? Does she fall in love with him?

You're going to have to wait, I'm afraid.

Mr Hoppy knew he had to say something.

He had to tell her how he felt.