Crowded

Well, I'm heading out.

You know how I feel about what you're doing.

- Dad, it's not that big a deal. - The hell it isn't!

I don't know why you're being like this. I give up. I got to go.

Well, don't tell your mother. It'll kill her.

What's going on with you and Ethan?

I'll tell you what's going on. I don't want to tell you what's going on.

That's what's going on.

You're fun to share with.

Look, I'm gonna pay you a compliment.

Ethan is really amazing.

Smart, handsome, a professional golfer. The whole package.

Gee, you're making me blush.

But you, you're steady. You're like the Best Western of sons.

Solid, dependable. You know what you're getting.

So I'm the son you settle for

when you're too tired to find something special.

See? You get it.

Oh, are you girls going out?

Yeah, my friend's DJing at this strip club.

You want to come with us? I'm bringing hand sanitizer.

Oh, I don't know. Those places are so sad

and exploitive to women and really something

I think we, as a society, should try to move away from.

It's a male strip club.

Well, that's just fun. I'm in.

I got some singles.

- Here you go, Mom. - Oh, no.

I'm a married woman. I'm just here to watch.

Well, you are in for a treat.

This is a gay club, and gay clubs have the hottest male strippers.

Although it should be said,

the impossibly high standards gay men put on each other

lead to chronic insecurities and body dysmorphia.

Mm-hmm.

On the other hand...

damn.

Ooh, that's my friend Jason.

All right, buckaroos.

It's time to save a horse and ride a cowboy.

Make some noise for John Wang.

I came up with that horse line.

I mean, I saw it on a bumper sticker first,

but then I came up with it again later.

Oh, my God.

He's really good.

I mean, he's really good.

This is for you.

Big fan.

Wow, someone's got a crush.

Don't be silly.

If anything, he reminds me of,

you know, th-the guy who lives with us.

- Dad? - Yeah. Him.

When he was... younger.

- Mom, look. - I couldn't be looking more.

No, over there.

Oh, my God. Is that Ethan?

What's he doing here?

Well, he's in a gay strip club with his arm around another man,

so he's either gay, or...

Yeah, he's gay.

Wow. I always thought he had a thing for you.

But then again, you're kind of built like a boy.

What an inoffensive observation.

Whoa, whoa.

Back up.

What were you doing in a gay strip club?

They invited me.

Yeah, she's our friend.

Not sure I approve of your friends.

Dad, you should have seen Mom. She was totally vibing on this one stripper.

Only because he reminded me so much of you.

You said Dad used to look that way.

I said... (chuckles)

He used to dress that way.

Ass-less chaps?

We're missing the main headline here.

Ethan is gay.

You mean gay, gay?

You can just say it once.

Wow, that's a surprise.

That must be why Dad's so upset with him.

Grandpa can be so old-fashioned. I mean, isn't everyone kind of gay now?

Sure, why not?

This just makes me sad. Mike, you have to talk to your dad

and tell him that rejecting Ethan is wrong

and being gay isn't a choice.

Well, you're right, but on the one hand,

he almost paid me a compliment today,

but, uh, on the other hand,

I don't want him to like me just because I have sex with women.

Women?

Well...

you, specifically.

And other women, if you run off with that stripper.

I think he's a little young.

Ha, that's what's holding you back? Okay.

I will talk to Dad.

And if you'll excuse me,

I am gonna go do 1,000 sit-ups, which I can totally do.

If Ethan told Grandpa, he must have told Grandma too, right?

Oh, I'm sure Alice knows.

I know what?

Um, about Ethan.

What about Ethan?

If you don't know, we can't tell you.

If there's something going on with my son,

I need to know about it.

Okay, Alice,

we were just at a gay club,

and Ethan was there with his arm around a man.

So you're telling me my son's gay?

Oh, I need a minute.

My son's gay.

Ethan is gay.

I have a gay son.

Okay. I'm fine with it.

Wow, I've had people in therapy for years

and they can't do what you just did.

Maybe it's you.

Well, I need to talk to Ethan.

- Do you think he's still at the club? - We could go back and see.

She just wants to see her cowboy.

He's not my cowboy.

He belongs to all of us.

Can you believe this club is only 38 minutes from our place?

Practically around the corner.

We should do more family stuff here.

I don't see Ethan.

Well, we're here. Might as well enjoy the rest of the show.

All right, our next dancer will turn you on by any means necessary.

Give a big welcome to Malcolm Sexx!

I found my cowboy. Dollars, please.

Mm, mm, mm. He is fine!

I'm making it rain!

- Mom? - Ethan?

Okay.

Ethan should be here any minute.

Are you ready, Alice?

So my son's not just gay. He's also a stripper.

- Now, I think it's important to... - Just give me a minute.

Okay. I'm fine with it.

Wow, that was easy.

A mother's love...

plus four appletinis.

So Ethan is...

uh... he's...

Super hot and incredible at stripping? I know.

If he weren't gay, I'd so hit that.

Stella, he's our uncle. That's creepy. Right?

It'd be creepy. Right?

Would it? I mean, he's our stepgrandmother's son.

That's true. We're not related by blood at all.

Way I see it, he's just a hot set of walking abs

we have to objectify because, you know,

feminism?

Hey, guys.

Mom, here's your ten.

I didn't feel right keeping it.

How could you not tell me you were gay?

Hold on. I'm not gay.

- Interesting. - How 'bout that?

But... but you had your arm around some blond guy.

Oh, Dave. He sprained his ankle. I was helping him walk.

- I'm just dancing here. - Oh.

You're okay with this, Mom?

Because Dad is completely pissed I'm a stripper.

And he didn't want me to tell you because he thought you'd be upset.

You have your church group and everything.

Please. All their kids are disasters.

Margaret's son turned their Honda Odyssey into a meth lab.

Totally voided the warranty.

Well, thanks for understanding, Mom.

Well, I got to get going. I have another set.

Wait. Does anyone else think I'm gay?

Oh. Mike does.

I better call him before he talks to your father.

- (phone buzzes) - Voice mail.

Martina. Voice mail.

I'll listen later.

Look, Dad, I know why you're mad at Ethan.

- He told you? - Well, Martina did,

and it was surprising to me too, but, you know,

it's not a choice.

Of course it's a choice. They're paying him!

They are?

He can make $1,000 a night, depending on how many guys go in there.

Do you have any idea what he's doing with those men?

I have some idea, yeah.

I've seen pop-up ads.

Parading around half-naked.

Bet he gets fully naked.

No, no, no. That's against the rules.

Rules? Oh, I'm pretty sure they're free to do what they want now.

Well, I'm guessing he has some moves.

Of course, I was pretty good at it in my day.