I Do... Until I Don't

"For life."

No one wants anything "for life."

It just reminds us of our impending death.

I pledge allegiance...

The etymology of the word "betroth" comes from the word "pledge."

Americans pledge allegiance a myriad of times during their life

and then proceed to throw a happy meal out the car window.

"Betroth" is a word from the 1500s.

I mean, the bloody ming dynasty was still around.

Our problem is, we live too long.

I mean, if we were all dying at 45, then fine, yeah, of course.

Go get yourself betrothed.

But now we insist on doing pilates colonic retreats

and vitamin drips,

convicting ourselves to a dreadfully long existence

with one partner for half a bloody century.

What do we do, collectively as a species?

Die younger or, a far less painful fate,

rethink the system.

I choose life.

I hate that he died. They were kind of a cute couple.

Yeah. You know?

At least one of them got out of it alive.

Shh.

Thank you, Janet.

Who was that?

And now Hamish's first and second wives

will read the lyrics to "come away with me" by Norah Jones.

Excuse me.

So, what is the point?

Children? Sure. We marry to procreate.

Yet these precious progeny are the very reason for your marriage's demise.

Money? Of course.

It's cheaper to conjoin funds,

cohabit, joint costco cards, tax breaks.

Yet still, finances are the number-one culprit for severed vows.

Cruel business.

What else then?

Definitely not the sex.

Companionship?

Boredom? Religion?

And then there's love.

We marry for love?

Don't be daft.

Love is not sustainable. Nor is marriage.

Oh. Mel. Somebody over there.

Hi. Hello.

Um, I have two questions, uh, for you.

Um-- speak up a little.

Um, the first question is,

why did you choose vero beach, uh, to make your project?

Um, and "b" is, uh, I loved your film tween jungle so much,

and I just, uh, admire that you dedicated your life to the arts.

Both great questions. Thank you.

Uh, why vero?

Well, my new project will delve into the social theorems

presented to amend the architecture of marriage,

that it should be a seven-year contract with an option to renew,

and that's what I'm gonna be concentrating on here in Florida,

the divorce capital of America.

So, you proud inhabitants of this swinging state,

I am going to get down on one knee and propose,

will you accept that marriage is dead?

I'm not actually going to get down on one knee. That was a sort of metaphor.

Oh, Noah, how can you not remember?

It was the woman, Vivian prudeck.

She's the one who did that amazing documentary, tween jungle.

And there was that one scene with all those baboons

dancing all angsty to nirvana.

I'll never forget that image. Guess who jumped ship, by the way?

Moses wolper, my own goddamn godfather,

Anyway, it's just incredible-- unbelievable.

That she's coming to vero. Where's the loyalty?

You should've seen her speech. She was so riveting.

Really. She commanded this whole audience.

She was funny and charismatic.

She's looking for couples for her new-- I'm sorry. Who's doing what?

You are not serious, are you? You're not listening to me at all, are you?

Oh, dear. Is there another leak? Yeah. Of course there is.

But at least we get our plants watered instead of ruining the goddamn carpet.

Why don't we just call the sorensen's kid to fix the roof?

We can't do that. Why not? You still don't trust him?

He was 13 when he drove the lawn mower into the river.

No, I forgave him for that. It's just, it's 800 bucks, and we don't have that. Okay?

We need to do a standard line.

Who's side are you on? I-I'm sorry.

We're basically broke. We gotta get creative.

Listen. I have an idea. Yeah?

Yeah.

I think we need to change our slogan. No.

Listen. Just hear me out. I like "blindful thinking."

It's got a nice ring to-- it was dad's thing. Honey, I know that.

I just-- I have some really great ideas, i think,

'cause I think we can make it a little more modern.

So just hear me out. Okay.

Um--

blinded by the light.

What about that? Mmm.

We don't blind people. That would be bad. No. It was sort of cool.

Um, what about, uh, blinders keepers?

Okay. Okay, so-- you don't like that one.

But, uh-- who's blind is it anyway?

Come on. Is that modern? I think it's kinda groovy and cool.

I'll write them down so that you can really see them.

It's sometimes easier to see it visually.

You know what you should do? Blind your own business.

-Oh, that's good. -No, that's not good. Don't write that down.

"Blind your own business."

When you see it written it looks quite good.

You are ovulating.

What is that? It's an app.

Wha-- it--

see, the green days are "fertile."

You have an-- you have an app on your phone for my ovaries?

Um... well, yeah.

It's pretty cool, right?

So... Oh.

Um...

Maybe...

Well-- I see. Oh, um...

I do have to pee, so I might be able to come.

Just for fun. Yeah.

Um... Can I smell your breath?

Oh, Noah, please don't make me do that.

Come on. Come on.

God, I love the way your breath smells after you work out.

Oh, don't say that.

That just reminds me of our "be more active to improve our sex life" talk.

That really makes me self-conscious.

Because I'm doing my best. I know.

I just lack hand-eye coordination.

I did the tennis clinic today. No.

Listen, you are very good at hacky sack.

You're just saying that.

Hey.

Meet me in the bathroom...

In five.

Okay?

Don't know if I need fi-five minutes to get there, hon.

W-watch it. Watch it. Noah? That actually hurt.

Oh. Turn around. Put your right leg up. Just be gentle.

Oh, no! Poo, poo, poo.

Oh, gosh, who doesn't--

who doesn't flush after taking a number two? That's unreasonable.

I'm sorry. I just-- I thought--

there we go.

No, there's poo in there.

Well, it's a toilet.

I know. I just--

I just don't want to bring life into this world over poo.

Beans on toast.

Convention.

Man meets woman.

Convention.

Tweens hating their parents.

Convention. You're so annoying!

Follow the fearless journey of four species, four adolescents,

four hemispheres of the earth in the...

Tween jungle.

Why would you do that, Mel?

That's quite an aggressive act, stapling my face like that.

Sorry. If I don't eat something soon, i am gonna murder someone.

And given your proximity, it's in your interest to help me.

We are in front of a diner. Oh, yes! Well done, Mel.

Might have a shandy tonight after all.

Oh! That bastard!

Breathe in the light, viv.

Breathe in the light.

I don't really want to speak to you anymore.

I think about you all the time. Well, that's rich.

Considering you disposed of me like a rain-drenched newspaper in a ditch of shit.

Stop yelling, please. Don't order me around, Richard.

Is she there, the horse-training munter? Name's pippa.

Oh, no, sorry. The equestrian wrangler. Don't answer that.

I want you to come home. I miss you. Well, I don't care!

I think you do. No, I don't give a toss. And neither do you.

How's the project going? It's going very well, actually.

Is it then? Is that a lighter I hear? You're not smoking?

No, I'm not smoking. I can hear you smoking.

It's not good for your face. Currently I've got too many couples to choose from.

Is that right? Okay. Good for you, girl. No, it's good. It's therapeutic.

Is it then? All these strangers reminding me

why you're so fucking predictable!

How's Richard?

He sounds really well, actually.

1.4 is more than reasonable. Period.

After all, comma,

won't it feel great to finally get rid of

that gator-infested property-- question mark.

Again, comma, so...

Sorry about your bichon frise.

Exclamation point. Must have been a horrific sight.

Exclamation point. Exclamation point.

Um, if you wou--

ah.

Hi.

Mmm-mmm-mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm.

Is it too sexy?

Almost too sexy.

Harvey, am i a gay man in the '60s looking to bone?