Influenced

Welcome to New York City,

the capital of the world.

Ew, gag wad, not Times Square!

That's for crusty Elmo costumes and fanny-packing tourists.

Uptown, please. Much better.

Here's my little slice of the juicy Big Apple.

The Upper East Side. We've got it all.

Blonde WASPs, rhinoplasty patients,

crypto bros, third wife hoes,

bums, mums.

If aliens landed on Fifth Avenue,

they think the dominant form of life was nannies.

But I digress. My name is Dzanielle.

I was one of those people who said

they grew up 20 minutes from the City,

but really it was an hour and a half.

I finally clawed my way to the 212 and never left.

I'm a mom-fluencer with 999,000 followers.

I'm gonna get to a mil if it fucking kills me.

I have famous actors who follow me, models,

but mostly it's moms and gays who want to see

the Upper East Side lifestyle.

This is my street. I've just come from my fave market, Eli's.

#GrilledArtichokeBottoms. 71 bucks a pound, but worth it.

Who wants to mess up their

Tom Ford come-fuck-me red lipstick on the leaves?

If Marty Scorsese can make an entire "Netflick"

about Fran "I Never Heard of Moisturizer" Lebowitz,

then I can have my own Dzanielle movie.

- Dzanielle, look here! - Beautiful!

Okay, now I want a full shot!

For those of us who don't work--

like work in an office--

we throw ourselves into philanthropy.

Some are intimate ladies-who-lunch things,

and some are huge galas,

so big even the kinetic cunts from Greenwich schlep in.

Guess what? I went out and got the face mask

and used it and it worked wonders.

It's like, legit skin of a fetus afterwards.

I am so glad. There's something really grodisime in it, like snail jizz.

- But that shit works. - Well...

No, look at you, Guantanamo slay.

-Can we take a picture together? -Of course.

-Okay. -My assistant Caroline has my selfie.

-Can I borrow-- Thanks, Caroline. -I can't miss this moment.

Dzanielle! Dzanielle!

Bye, honey. I'll DM you my number.

Love her!

Obesity doesn't just affect humans,

which is why Lipo For Manatees needs your help.

Um, hi.

My entire family, like, worships your Instagram.

-Can I trouble you for a quick selfie? -Of course!

The packed social season is where I see all my friends and fans

and connect with everyone while looking fab

to raise money for a good cause.

Thank you for supporting FAB, the Food Allergy Ball.

Capri is the Nantucket of Italy, and we must fight to SCIRF.

So grateful you could all join me today at the 12th Annual FUTI Luncheon,

to fight urinary tract infections.

Ladies, burning clits are no joke.

But the highlight of my life is none of that.

It's my family.

My two amazing kids, Jared and Dakota,

are the lights of my life.

And, well, I used to have an amazing husband,

but now I have a beautiful divorce,

-since a year and half ago. -Hello.

Hi, my loves! How was your dad's?

My bar mitzvah tutoring goes by so slowly. It's torture.

-Jared. -Natalay!

-Hi. Hi. -Hi.

Oh.

I still love him,

but he cheated on me, so also I despise him.

You said I should get my boobs done!

No, no, no, bullshit. You said, and I quote,

"Do you think I should get a boob job?"

And I said that I supported you.

You didn't tell me that we wouldn't be able to touch each other for a month.

I'm not Gandhi.

I'm pretty sure he was like a sex addict,

and he banged his niece.

That can't be true.

Okay, well, whatever, a priest.

-Have you seen Spotlight ? -I knew that was a bad example.

It meant nothing. It wasn't a big deal.

You have to believe me, I love you.

You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Going to the special massage place is not a fucking molehill.

Just jerk off like everybody else.

You couldn't even make it a month without getting a happy ending shiatsu?

-You suggested the place. -I was joking!

Okay, I should... I should probably get going.

I had to perp walk a V.P. out of the office for using the company card on...

Charming.

I have a really big day, too. I'm meeting with General Mills.

They want to sponsor a post, and then Bronson Van Wyck,

the event planner for the party.

You know...

I think it might be nice if...

I was involved a little in the planning of the b'nai mitzvah.

The kids are so excited. It's the biggest day of their lives,

and, you know, I wouldn't want you doing everything by yourself.

Oh, I got it covered.

I'm gonna do like, a whole kids area

with the Dylan's Candy bar pop up,

and then stations with, like, pigs in blankets and sliders, only bigger.

Okay.

Okay. Kids, I have to get going.

All right. Oh, sweetheart.

This last year has been hard on Jared and Dakota.

Since our divorce, we've been playing a game of guilt chess.

His big move was giving us our dog, Natalay.

Natalay.

Come, come. Come, come. Come, come. Natalay!

My community of followers

has really gotten me through some tough times.

Especially when my cousin/best friend,

Kim, moved to California

during her midlife crisis in search of spiritual enlightenment,

right after my divorce was final.

I was gonna call you yesterday.

I did this ayahuasca trip with this shaman in Topanga,

and it was a-fucking-mazing!

I mean, I vomited all over the chick next to me,

and I was, like, diarrhea-ing out of my asshole.

But I fit into my high school jeans the next morning.

Sounds great.

I'm trying to embrace a new chapter

and Marie Kondo my life to spark joy.

In your town, you might make friends

at your church or your little cul-de-sac,

but here it's all about your kids' private school.

That's how I met my pedicure posse.

It was so stressful.

We get home, we're totally drenched, drowned rats.

I bust into my bedroom, and my nanny is in bed shtufing my massage therapist.

I'm deceased!

So, I fire them on the literal spots

they were 69-ing on, on my 2000 thread counts.

Now, I have no nanny and no massage therapist.

My rectum muscles are killing me! I'm so uncomfortable.

Karen. So sorry.

Do you mind making the corners,

like, less square and more rounded?

-I call it squoval. -Yes, Ms. Dzanielle.

Uh, time out. Your nails are amazing.

-What color is that? -It's three layers.

One coat of hot tub harlot,

one coat of Tinkerbell's Labia

and one coat of elevator blowjob.

Très chic.

It's just, planning the b'nai mitzvah has been so crazy.

The theme, by the way, is candy.

And I've been begging to get one of those viral TikTok cakes.

Wedding size.

You know the rainbow when you slice into it and it shits out Skittles?

Oh, look. It's my baby, Voltaire.

Hi, Voltaire. Hello, Voltaire, Care Bear.

Wait. Hold on. Oh, my God.

-Your dog is walked by Yuki? -The one and only.

I texted him, and he just never wrote me back.

Is he, like, that busy?

He accepts no one. Jessica Chastain is wait-listed.

He's so sexy.

He's like an Asian Harry Styles mixed with an Asian Idris Elba.

I heard he does omakase five times a week.

Yeah, and he gets front row seats at Fashion Week.

Oh, and Matt Damon goes to him for life coaching.

Yuki, what would I do without you, man?

-You're my sage. -You have to let it go, Matt.

He monitors every single dog log

for fecal consistency and disease control,

then every Friday sends me a laminated report

in a leather-bound monogram notebook.

He's 1,500 a week, per pooch.

So...

McKinley, would you ever consider

speaking to Yuki on our behalf?

Natalay is a thoroughbred Pomeranian.

She's from those lesbian breeders in Wisconsin.

They have a seven-year wait list.

Oh, I love the lesbian breeders. They're so focused.

I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to do it

because if it doesn't work out, it'll reflect poorly on Voltaire, and...

I'm sorry. You understand?

Yeah, of course.

You guys, work is insane for me right now.

Being a matchmaker for high net worth individuals,

Spring is the season.

One of my clients is over there right now.

-You set up the Hammermans? -Mm-hmm.

-I always wondered where he found her. -In a crib.

You guys, she's right there. Be quiet.

Whatever. It's not like English is her first language.

His late wife, Maud Hammerman, was the height of taste.

Blagdanorova is not like us,

and it's not because she's from Czechoslovakia or whatever.