Saipan

Forget the general election.

Forget the economy or the state of the world.

For the past week, there's been only one story

people want to talk about, and they've been talking about it

in schools, shops, buses, pubs, taxis, hairdressers.

The nation has been consumed by a soap opera

playing in two halves of the world.

It is a bereavement kind of reaction, isn't it?

Could this be like the death of Princess Diana in Britain

and that we all wake up in a week or two and say,

"What, what possessed us?"

There's a public thing to this.

There's an international thing to this

about who we are and how we manage conflict.

We don't have a great world record around it.

So it involved everybody, so that your sense

of tribal identity or your sense of national identity...

At the moment my brain is just like scrambled egg

listening to the whole thing.

They're obviously very upset about it.

I am.

They should be ashamed of themselves because

they have done the intrinsically Irish thing.

People the world over look upon the Irish,

"Ah, great, pint of Guinness, a joke and a laugh."

You know, people are phoning up one side or another.

And now it's turned into a complete conflagration.

I smell amateur riflemen

lining up to shoot the finest buck male in the herd.

A typhoon in a teacup.

Possibly the worst preparation

any country has ever had for a World Cup finals.

In comes Keane...!

Roy Keane... brilliant!

It's been a magnificent campaign by Ireland

and no one has been more magnificent in it

than Roy Keane, the captain, who drove Ireland on

when they needed to be driven on.

The young Corkman's rise to stardom

certainly had a storybook quality.

Cobh to Nottingham Forest,

from there to Manchester United.

Roy Keane's multi-million pound contract,

making him British football's highest-paid player.

An Irishman came over on the building site...

Keane's there!

He could play in goal and centre forward.

He's happy to play.

So, Mick... for the first time ever,

Ireland has an elite level player

who can make an impact on the World Cup.

How are you going to manage Roy Keane?

I'm a winner, just like Roy.

Do you speak about the things that have happened in the past?

We'll leave that for others to discuss.

There was a bit of fisticuffs between the two of you back in 1992, right?

We were all a lot younger then.

There's still a bit of tension there though, yeah?

Yeah?

Can you fix the garage door? And if the washing freezes,

-can you bring it in? -Yeah.

Look, he's a winner.

I want him on the team, full stop. He's one of a kind.

You'd never have got this close to qualifying without him, would you?

How will you fare now in Iran without him, given that he's injured?

Roy has assured us that his knee's fine

and he'll be playing.

You do the windscreen, I'll load up the boot.

I'm doing the windscreen!

I'm gonna start planning Christmas while you're away.

-Where is it you're going again? -Iran.

Say hello to the Ayatollah for me.

Do you think he'll be at the match?

I don't know why I've done my side!

I'm not even coming with you.

Oh... I nearly forgot.

Duty free. Do not forget Auntie Pat's Cointreau, okay?

-Good luck, my darling. -Mwah!

-Okay, I'll see you really soon, right? -All right.

-Mick. -Mick.

-Is this you?! -Are you kidding me?

Never heard of my duet with Linda?

Who's Linda?

Up there with Dana and Johnny Logan, mate.

Is that Linda Martin, the Eurovision winner?

The very same. Originally it was recorded by Nancy Sinatra,

-but I reckon this is better. -Better?

Yeah, cos it's about communication.

So you're a better communicator than Nancy Sinatra, are you?

Yes, I am.

Because it's... I mean, she's a better singer.

It's Alex Ferguson.

Will I ignore it?

No, you'd better answer it. It'll be about Roy.

-Roy? -Yeah.

Is there a problem?

You took your fucking time!

-All right, Mr Ferguson. -Who the fuck am I talking to?

It's the other Mick. You want Mick?

-How many fucking Micks are there? -Our manager Mick. He's driving.

Can he no speak and drive? I've not got all fucking day.

All right, put it on speaker.

He is on speaker.

Fucking shambles.

-Hello, Alex. -Roy's not playing.

He's too old to be messing around with injuries.

Needs his rest.

Are you all right if we send someone from our end to assess him?

Send someone to Manchester United, would you do that for us?

Well, that'd be absolutely fucking fantastic.

We said if there's a positive result,

we'd rest him for the away game. I've sent him home.

I... hear where you're coming from.

Well, that's my backside in the bacon slicer.

Press are gonna have a fucking field day.

Do you have to whizz while I'm working out?

Yeah, sorry.

Where's Saipan?

No idea, babe, sorry. Why?

It's where we're going if we qualify.

-Am I doing it right? -You're on the wrong leg.

"The lads will need to chill after a long season

and Saipan will fit the bill." Jesus Christ!

Fucking chill.

And why's McCarthy saying he'd be happy with a draw?

Oh, will you stop being so tense?

You're like this every time. You're not even playing this one.

I thought you only needed a draw anyway.

Er, that's not the point.

Eh, but it is "a" point.

Very good.

Play to win, Theresa, or why bother playing at all?

A vital qualifier

in which the Irish definitely have the advantage.

They'll miss Roy Keane. There's no doubt that.

Obviously, they're going to miss Roy Keane.

Mick! When did Roy tell you he wasn't playing?

-Uh, he didn't. -So you don't talk to your captain?

-That's not what he said. -Will you regret not having

his voice in the dressing room at least? Is he still injured?

No women in the dressing room. Sorry, love.

Let's join our match commentator

out there in Tehran, Barry Davies.

Yes, welcome to Iran. Steve Staunton leading the Irish eleven

in the absence of Roy Keane.

Come on, lads! Let's do this!

And the atmosphere is something else.

Packed in the Azadi stadium,

trying to find a bit of space to find the ball in...

Oh dear, oh dear! The crowd won't like that.

Go on, off the pitch, you idiot!

And you can hear it all around the place.

Right, carry on, guys.

I think she likes you.

I was watching you play. I thought you were very good.

Thanks. Are you Roy Keane?

It's good to stick up for yourself against bullies

-when you're not as tall as them, yeah? -Yeah.

You can't go out to bat if you're not aggressive, you know.

-Yeah. -Hey, Roy!

-Why are you not in Iran? -'Cause I'm injured.

-Is that your coach? -Yeah.

Yeah, he's a moron.

Yeah.

What's your coach like?

Ah, he probably does his best.

-It's a team effort, isn't it? -Yeah.

It's a team effort.

Deep into the first half here in Tehran

and still precarious for the Irish.

Mick McCarthy off his seat for the first time.

Hesitation... Oh!

And how close can you get?

Shay Given started to come for it,

and then backed away!

Carini's head just wide of the far post.

Not long left for the Irish to hang on.

A place at the World Cup finals hanging in the balance.

Iran are looking very dangerous.

Here's the shot and it's in!

Iran have scored!

The Irish are in trouble for sure!

Concede one more and we go to extra time.

Oh dear.

-You all right? -Yeah.

Can't cope... watching.

I mean, we're playing for a draw,

so what does he think is gonna happen if they score?

They're the ones on the front foot.

It's full-time.

-Do you want to know the result? -No.

It's not good, Roy.

I knew it.

-Mmm. -I fucking knew it.

Yeah, you're gonna have to go to Saipan.

- You're going to the World Cup! - You're joking?

Let's hear from Mick McCarthy, the man himself.

He's with Stephen Alkin.

You're in the World Cup finals, Mick, how does that feel?

Everything looks better when you're winning.