Modern Family

-Hey Honey Hugh Grant has a- -coming -Okay well Alex has a cello lesson at 11:00 and junior congress at noon. -Doesn't she also have No boys at forever?

Don't you have an eating disorder you need to attend to?

Yeah, anyway, uh, we could see the 4:00 or the 6:20.

Oh, actually, that's no good.

I'm meeting my friend Denise for a drink.

Denise? Do I know Denise?

Yeah, you know, my old girlfriend. Oh, my god. Gross.

I can't even picture you with a woman.

Thank you.

You had a girlfriend before mom?

Try two.

Trust me. I had plenty of fun in my time.

And then I met your mom.

And thank you.

So, uh, I guess she travels around selling makeup

For a cosmetics company.

She's in town for a week.

You mean she's like a door-to-door salesman?

If you were doing it,

They'd call it a dork-to-dork salesman.

Ohh!

My boy strikes like a rattlesnake!

Oh, yeah? Well - well, you...

Wow. All right, well, we can see the movie tomorrow.

Come on. It's time for your lesson.

You mean her second lesson, because she just got schooled.

What's wrong with me today?

Shake it off, champ.

It's not your day.

Hey.

Ay.

Good morning, papi. Is it?

Aw, you're still sad because of that audition.

That part was mine. I was born to play Tevye.

Instead they give it to Rod Jackson?

What does he know from suffering?

How we doing?

A little better,

But we're gonna go and throw ice cream at the problem.

Well, if that doesn't work, this should do the trick.

"what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. "

We can hang this in your room.

You can see it every morning, start to internalize it.

Pretty soon, nothing will keep you down.

But it's not true. What are you talking about?

Lots of stuff that doesn't kill you makes you weaker.

My friend's grandfather had a heart attack.

Now he needs a machine to breathe.

I've seen him at the supermarket.

Now he needs to drive one of those little, like...

Yeah, that's right. Be negative.

It's just not a good poster, Jay.

You're only making me stronger.

Did you pack the, uh, bread for the ducks?

Yes.

Not the whole-wheat kind. The ducks don't like that.

They're ducks, Mitchell. They don't care.

We both believe that animals

Should play a big part in Lily's life.

Having grown up on a farm, I was surrounded by them.

They were more like brothers and sisters

Than just, you ow, livestock.

Delicious brothers and sisters.

Life on a farm - they know what they're getting into.

Eesh.

Wait. Oh, it's the office.

Don't answer it. I have to.

It's like this every Saturday. Just ignore it.

Well, maybe it's not that this time.

Hello?

Yeah.

That's nice.

Holy...

Shel? You all right, buddy?

Oh, there's four of them, Mitchell!

They're giving her little duck kisses,

And she - oh, she's laughing!

I can't believe you're missing this.

Well, why not, cam? I've missed everything else.

She rolled over when I was in phoenix.

She started scooting when I was in court.

Well, just tell them you're not coming in.

You do enough for em.

Well, you know that, I know that, you know?

The only one who doesn't know that is my sucky boss.

He's the suckiest suck of all time.

He's a miserable son of a bitch who...

May have heard everything I just said.

-Hi, Honey -Hey -When are you getting together with your gal pal?

Actually, I was just checking on that.

She's supposed to send me a message.

Ohh. You're facebook friends.

Sure am. Oh...

She's one of my 447 friends.

Everybody wants a slice.

How long have you two been in touch with each other?

Uh, she tracked me down about a year ago.

Mm. Mm, mm.

What? What's - what's that sound?

Mm. Nothing.

Oh. There she is right now.

"how about we meet at Le Reve at 7:30?"

Well, that sounds innocent enough.

I mean, drinks with an ex-girlfriend

At an intimate french restaurant.

Honey, you're doing that thing

Where you say what I want you to say

But your tone seems mean.

Let me guess - Denise isn't married.

Recently divorced. What's the big deal?

Come on, Phil. You can't be that naive.

Seriously, women in their 30s on the internet are like -

They're like ninjas.

They get in their little black outfits

And try and sneak their way into your marriage.

That's not Denise. Mm.

Here, read some of her messages.

You're gonna feel silly.

Go ahead.

"hey, Phil. How's it goin'?"

You can't add the sexy voice.

"hi, Phil. How's it going?"

"so glad to hear your neck is better"

Are you seriously jealous?

no! I am not jealous at all.

I just happen to know women better than you do,

And that woman wants a slice.

Okay, just to prove how wrong you are,

I'm gonna invite her over here for drinks.

Fine with me.

Just hope it's fine with Denise.

"gee, Phil.

I really had my heart set on Le Reve. "

That voice doesn't bother me.

Kind of like it!

Well, has he been acting weird around you?

No, no. I've been avoiding him all morning.

So you don't even know if he heard you.

Well, that's why we're doing this.

Hey, where are you? I only have a half-hour for lunch.

Hello, handsome.

Okay, so, uh, this is where it happened.

Just, um, turn off the phone, roll down the window,

And we'll - we'll see if you can hear me.

Okay.

Go around! We're re-creating a faux pas!

Thank you!

Okay. C-can you hear me now?

Uh, yeah, but just barely. Is this how loud you were talking?

Uh, well, it might have been a little bit louder.

There was traffic. I mean, I almost had to shout.

You almost had to what? Shout.

Little bit louder now. Shout!

Little bit louder now. Shout!

* hey, hey, hey, hey *

Really, cam?

My job is at stake here and -

Oh, w-who are we kidding?

You can obviously hear me. I am so screwed.

Manny?

Manny, come here a second, pal.

Huh?

I got some bad news, buddy.

What is it?

Well, there's no easy way to say this.

Shel Turtlestein is dead.

I was down here reading the paper,

And I heard this commotion up in your room, so...

So naturally I go running up there.

And this mangy raccoon had busted through your screen.

He must have scampered up to where shel was.

By the time I walked in, he had him -

The little bastard had him by the neck, shaking him.

Gravel's flying everywhere.

He didn't even flinch.

He just stared at me with that smug look

And then bolted.

If only I'd have got here earlier.

May I see the body?

Baby, are you sure that's a good idea?

It's something I have to do.

That's him. Sorry, pal.

It just doesn' make any sense.

Yep. Only the good die young.

But in school we leaed raccoons are nocturnal.

They sleep during the day.

They sure do, and this one must've got up

For a midnight snack.

You know, we've all done that.

I guess so. Yeah.

It all adds up.

I don't think I can be in here right now.

Too many memories.

He'll be okay.

You lie. What?

I'm colombian.

I know a fake crime scene when I see one!

I was hanging up the new poster.

And it fell on top of him. It was an accident.

You have to tell him.