The Neighborhood

All right, Malcolm, be careful up there.

Well, don't worry, Dad. I got him.

I'm not worried about Malcolm.

I'm worried about my lights.

Those are practically new.

I bought them on my honeymoon.

Yeah, which is why every year,

I get shocked by these janky wires.

It's called Christmas tradition.

Okay, Marty, it's time for a moment of truth.

Plug 'em in.

Uh...

first can I grab some rubber gloves?

You know, I don't want a repeat of last year.

Would you stop crying?

Your mustache grew back.

Okay, here we go.

Ha, ha!

One.

Two.

Hey, Merry Christmas, guys.

Ah, thank God.

Hey, Dave, what's with the hat and the scarf, man?

- It's 80 degrees. - Yeah.

You keep all that on, you're gonna roast your chestnuts.

I'm just trying to get into the Christmas spirit.

You know, in Michigan, we'd be having snowball fights,

going sledding, building snowmen.

- Boy, do I miss it. - That's right. Last year,

you guys spent Christmas in Kalamazoo.

And boy, do I miss it.

Yeah. W-We went back because of my mom.

But this year, we decided to stay here.

Again, because of my mom.

I just wish it felt a little more Christmasy out here.

Hey, it's plenty Christmasy out here.

I mean, just yesterday, Crackhead Victor tried

to sell me a dime bag of mistletoe.

Uh, you know, Dave,

if you want to feel Christmasy,

uh, why don't you do the honors and plug in our lights?

Oh, man, I'd love to!

Okay, well, now hold on.

Now, Dave, those shoes do have a rubber sole, right?

Yeah.

Well, then light 'em up!

Here we go.

Damn, Dave, you broke my lights.

And those were practically new.

All I did was plug 'em in.

Yeah, but you probably didn't...

Hey, uh, don't-don't worry, Dad.

Your mustache will grow back.

Ah. Hey, Santa.

You know, you're the only black man

that can sneak in people's houses

and everybody's cool with it.

Hey, Calvin.

Heads up. I'm coming in hot!

Whoa.

Black Santa, meet White Dave.

What's cracking, Kringle?

What's with the scooter?

It's Grover's Christmas present.

They're sold out everywhere. I had to go

- to six different stores to get one. - Oh.

That reminds me of when the boys wanted

a Tickle Me Elmo for Christmas.

How many stores you go to?

None. They could tickle each other for free.

All right, well, I better go hide this

before Grover and Gemma get back

from having their picture taken with Santa.

- Oh, you didn't want to go? - No.

I already got mine.

I see someone didn't open their e-mail.

Can I lick the beaters?

Sweetie, the batter has raw eggs in it.

You could make yourself sick.

Are you just saying that so you can keep them for yourself?

Fine, but I get the one with more on it.

Hey, Gemma, where are you, girl?

In the kitchen! Quick, hide these.

There's not enough batter for all of us.

Hey, what are you guys...?

There's none left!

Hey, Tina. What's up?

Well, I came by to grab those old toys

for the charity drive at church.

I'll be damned if I let Loretta Banks think

she's a better Christian than me.

Oh. They're right here. Awesome.

Hey, those are mine.

Yeah, but if you don't get rid of your old toys,

there won't be enough room for Santa to bring you new ones.

Well, if it's for the kids.

So, what are you guys making?

Gingerbread men.

Oh.We make them every year.

It's our mommy-son tradition.

Aw, I miss when my boys were little. We used to dress up

in our Christmas sweaters and make ornaments

out of Popsicle sticks and dry pasta.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Yeah, it was, until the year

that Malcolm crammed macaroni up Marty's nose.

Was he okay?

Oh, yeah. He whistled when he slept for a while, but,

you know, as soon as he caught a cold, he sneezed it right out.

- Well, thanks again for these. - You're welcome.

Oh, and, uh, by the way,

I know you two are holding out on that batter.

And Santa does, too.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

Hey, Calvin! Something terrible happened.

I know. I saw your picture with Santa.

You were way too big to be sitting in his lap.

No, I was robbed.

Somebody broke into my garage and took Grover's scooter.

Whoa. Are you sure? May-Maybe Gemma moved it.

No, there was a broken window, and they ransacked the place.

My spring sweater collection is all over the floor!

So we won't be looking for anybody in a pink V-neck.

I can't believe that somebody would do something like this

right before the holidays. I mean,

what kind of Christmas spirit do people have around here?

Okay, hold on now.

Every neighborhood has a few knuckleheads.

I mean, doesn't mean we don't have Christmas spirit.

Yeah, well, all I know is, I don't have a gift for Grover.

And he doesn't even have a brother he can tickle!

Okay. All right, all right, just relax.

I think I know where we can go to get your scooter back.

Where?

The barbershop. It's where everybody

in the neighborhood goes to get information.

It's like Black Google.

It's how I found out Queen Latifah was my cousin.

Hey, hey, check it out.

What's all this?

Oh, I don't know.

Popsicle sticks, yarn, macaroni.

It's back...

Christmas quality time with Mom!

No, man. We are way too old.

She wouldn't really expect us to be...

There are my sweet babies.

Who's ready to make ornaments with Mommy?

- We are. - We are.

Yes!

So what's the plan when we get in there?

Squeeze 'em 'till we get the juice?

What?

You know, put the screws on 'em 'till we get the 411.

Why are you talking

like a gangster from the Disney Channel?

Since everyone in there already knows you,

I figured you'd be good cop, I'll be bad cop.

Okay, all right, first of all,

if we want anybody to help us around here,

don't say the word "cop."

And second,

we got to handle this delicately, all right?

Nobody wants to be labelled a snitch.Okay.

So, what do you want me to do?

Nothing. Just lay back in the cut like a Band-Aid.

Got it.

What does that mean?

It means, just sit back and chill

while I find out if anybody knows anything.

Okay. What if no one's willing to talk?

Dave, come on.

These are decent, stand-up guys that want to do the right thing.

Plus, if they don't, I got dirt on all them fools.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

- Hey, Calvin. - Hey, Calvin. - Hey, Calvin. - Hey, Calvin.

Hey, uh, listen up, y'all.

My man Dave here...

Oh, we're losing time!

I want answers, and I want 'em now!

- What are you doing? - I'm coming out the cut!

Now, no one is leaving this room

until I find out who took my son's scooter!

Starting now!

All right, now listen up. Some sticky-fingered dirtbag broke

into my garage and disappeared my kid's Christmas present.

So one of you canaries better start singing

real quick!

Look, what Bugsy Malone is trying to say

is that he got robbed last night,

and we could use some help.

Sorry, Calvin. I haven't heard anything.

How about y'all?

Okay.

I see how it is.

I'll play your little game.

Somebody talk, or I'll mess up his hairline!

Dave, stay away from Randall's fade

before you get your ass whupped.

Look, we all connected to the streets.