Eephus

It's the top of the hour,

and welcome back to Before We Begin.

I'm Branch Moreland.

Accident report for Hillsborough County:

On Route 472 in Bridgeridge,

a pickup truck lost its brakes

and skidded off the road for about 500 feet.

Thank God this happened in Bridgeridge,

otherwise, he might have hit something.

A top story of the day.

The coyote terrorizing local dogs

has been killed in a display

of New Hampshire cowboy justice,

which means in ten days

it'll be safe for everyone to celebrate Halloween.

So bring your dogs trick or treating.

But of course, make sure not to give them any chocolate.

Um, plenty of Halloween activities in the area

the rest of the month to keep you busy

as the weather gets colder.

Unfortunately, the Topbury candy corn eating competition

is not happening this year,

'cause the whiz kid who can count really fast

and tallied all the candy corns,

his family moved away.

And speaking of counting,

it's official.

A vote has been passed to begin construction

on the currently unnamed middle school

in Douglas within the next three weeks.

The Hillsborough County Board

approved measures to repurpose county land

in the center of Douglas to build that school.

It's the biggest construction project in town in years,

but it means building on top of Soldiers Field,

where recreational baseball teams from Douglas

and adjoining towns have faced off for decades.

As of yet, we don't know of any plans

to build a new ball field, but I'm told

the neighboring soccer field will remain as a site

for gym class activities.

Parents in the North County area

will surely be delighted.

No more driving 25 miles or more

to Rumsack Middle School...

...especially with a long, cold winter

just around the corner.

I know many parents who--

Today, day, day...

I consider myself, self, self...

the luckiest man, man, man...

- on the face of-- - Hey, Franny.

You peeping at the neighbors again?

- Sunny day, Ed? - Yeah.

Can't ask for much more. Heh. Cool and dry.

-It's a pitcher's wind. -You got that right, Franny.

Ball won't carry.

Wood bats harden up. Stings the ball.

Oh, thank God the Marines are here.

Honey, we're free.

What's in the bag, Glen?

Last game fireworks.

Big ones.

It's like watching an angel puke.

Out-fucking-standing.

I can respect a man carrying a big artillery.

I brought the ordinance, brother.

Overseeing the construction

is Graham Morris. Mr. Morris,

will construction begin this week?

It won't be until November.

There's still baseball being played

at the field the land is on.

Do you think people are going to miss

the old baseball field, or more glad

to not have to drive to Rumsack?

I don't know--

We meet again, boss.

You're leadoff, right? Shortstop?

Last two times we played, you struck me out.

Now I got you figured out.

Yeah, well, it's your last chance to prove it.

Ayy-up!

Hey, these are for after, okay?

No boozing on the mound.

Not till after the ninth, when I pitch a no hitter.

Watch the rash.

Louis, I've been doing this so long,

I know your body better than your wife does.

Just don't tell your wife.

Hey, what's a young gun like that gonna do after this?

After what?

After this goes the way of the Hindenburg.

Hell, what are these guys gonna do?

I don't know.

I just don't have the energy

for all that, you know?

Looking up all the movies,

then driving to all the theaters.

Yeah, I'm into reading books.

I just got a book that doesn't have any pictures.

My wife loves all the ads.

Yeah. Any skin flicks?

Definitely not in a theater.

That's all right, I don't watch that shit anyway.

-I'm gonna tell your wife. -Go ahead. We got an agreement.

She likes game shows and I like pornos.

- Is there a porno game show? - Probably in Japan.

- Hey, guys. - Or Texas.

I just want to say good luck.

And it's what's in here, right?

That's what counts.

Hey, Franny.

Am I late? What's the score?

Bill Belinda.

I was just writing your name--

-Bill Belinda. -Yeah, it's a good one.

My mom really knocked it out of the park with that one.

Kids coming today?

They'll be here.

If you see 'em first, tell 'em

their old man's coming home with the game ball.

C'mon, kid. Don't pull out.

Hands and hips.

Stay square.

Keep your head down.

Rich, he plays college.

He's better than you.

What do you know?

Logan, are you better than Rich?

I am considerably...

...better than Rich.

You know what, Derek?

I'm gonna fuck up your good knee.

Well, the bell just rung.

Looks like school's out for us,

which means we are headed

to a word from our sponsors.

- Got a ball, Glen? - Got two.

- Let's go. Here we go. - For 20 years,

my family told me I make awesome steaks.

I'm Robert Brendan, and I'm delighted to invite you

to my brand new restaurant.

We know you love beef, steak tips

and everything in between.

And we'd love to have you

at Robert Brendan's Restaurant.

Next time you're driving through Nashua,

look for the giant sign with my initials on it.

Bring your whole family.

We can't wait for them to find out about RB's.

The prime rib was melt-in-your-mouth outrageous.

It came with green beans...

Hey, it's Merritt.

Ayy-up!

It's Eephus Boy.

Hey, Riverdogs.

Who's your ninth player?

Aw, shit. Where's Garrett?

We only have eight.

- That's a forfeit. - Hold on.

Can't play with eight. Need nine.

They have 11. You can make a trade.

Otherwise, I'm going home.

- We're the away team, right? - Yes.

-So we bat first? -That's right.

I'm warmed up. I say we play.

Yeah, c'mon, let's just do this.

Has anyone heard from Garrett?

He told me he'd be here.

Well, he better bat eighth because I can't bat for shit.

Garrett will bat ninth.

He'll be here by then.

Fellas, it's the last game.

It's the last game.

I don't care. It's a forfeit

when his spot comes up. That's it.

It'll be a quick game. You go to first.

All right.

It's a forfeit when his spot comes up.

Let's go! Take the field. - Nice.

All right boys, let's do this.

Boys, let's go, last one. Make it count.

- Are you ready, or what? - Hey, Ed, try not

to get my jersey dirty for the finale.

If I gotta dive for any grounders,

it means you pitched shitty.

Goddamn it, John.

Pick it up, Kevin. Jesus Christ!

Infield flies only, Kevin.

All right, Ed, let's do this.

One, two, three, gentlemen.

One, two, three. We dancin'.

"If your uniform don't get dirty,

ya ain't done nothin'."

Rickey Henderson.

All right, guys. Don't let nothing get by ya.

I don't care if it's gotta hit you in the mouth.

Gentlemen, let's play.

Don't be slouching out there.