Crowded

- Oh, hey, honey. I was just... - Shh. Where are the girls?

In their rooms. Why?

Okay, nice and easy, let's sneak out to a movie,

just the two of us.

- I'll go get my purse. - No, no, too risky.

- We go to go now. - Not without my purse.

You don't need your purse, I got my wallet.

But I need my brush, lipstick, concealer.

What are you trying to conceal?

I know what you look like.

Let's go before we're late.

- Late for what? - Yeah, where are we going?

- The movies. - Nowhere.

Both: Yay!

Let me just take care of something real quick.

Aaron, we're doing stuff. You got to leave.

Aaron, family. Family, Aaron.

It's nice to meet you.

You have a beautiful home,

and you've raised a wonderful daughter.

They know.

I will text you later.

Great.

- - He seems nice.

Yeah. He's too nice.

I got to get rid of him.

We spend one night together, and now he's all,

"Let's go out again and hold hands in the park,

ride the carousel, share our stories."

Who wants that?

I do.

You just described my favorite montage

in every romantic comedy.

Well, that and the montage of trying on different outfits

that your boyfriend bought you even though you're a hooker.

And those snooty Beverly Hills sales ladies...

they're just jealous of what I have...

I mean she has.

Look, I've dated enough guys to realize

they're always jerks in the end.

So now I'm the jerk.

I'm breaking the hearts.

I'm the reason they woke up downtown on a curb

in their own vomit, wondering how they got there.

And it feels good.

Martina, jump in here. Fix her.

Look, honey, I understand

you've been through some bad relationships,

but one day you'll meet somebody you want to spend time with,

maybe get married...

raise kids with.

I don't need a guy to help me raise my kid.

I've got you and Dad.

This kitchen is killing me right now.

Can we just go to the movies before...

Hey.

That happens.

We're here to return your latest attempt

at an anniversary gift.

Yes, we don't even know what it is.

Oh, it's a picture disc.

We put all your photos on it, so they'll play on your TV

like a screensaver.

So they all show up in order?

No, they appear randomly, so it's always a surprise.

So, in one picture, I'm in my 20s,

and in the next, I...

Wait. How old did I tell you all I was?

Anyway, Mike, the thought doesn't even count on this one.

Try again.

Okay, there's two movies starting soon.

One is some old-timey movie called "The Bodyguard"...

"The Bodyguard"?

That's the movie we saw on our first date.

- Bob! - What?

They're talking about "The Bodyguard"!

- What? - "The Bodyguard"!

That's the movie we saw on our first date!

Oh, what an unforgettable night.

- I picked her up... - No, I drove.

Right, because my car was in the shop.

No, because you wanted to drink.

Right, booze. That sounds like me.

We're going to the movies right now.

- You should come with us. - We're in.

purse.

You know what? We should all go see "The Bodyguard."

My first date with Alice changed my life for the better

in every single way,

and I want you all to share that memory with us.

Oh, baby, you are so sweet.

- Both: Mwah. - Okay, fine.

You want an anniversary gift?

This is it.

We'll all go to the movies

and re-create your first date with you.

And from this point forward, none of us will act

like that's weird.

You got a deal. We'll pick Ethan up on the way.

Yeah, because we need more people.

Oh, would you go get my purse?

Sure. It caused all of this.

It might as well come with us.

No.

No.

No! No! No!

Martina's with the girls.

I need to talk to somebody privately,

and you're the only person available.

Now?

I'm in the middle of the Star Jumble.

"Bard Tipt."

It's Brad Pitt.

You've seen this one.

I found this on the kitchen floor.

It's a positive pregnancy test.

Oh, jeez.

It's got to be Stella's, right?

Well, it definitely can't Shea's.

She's an innocent child.

- She's 23. - What?

That can't be right.

What about Martina?

She's still young enough.

It's not Martina's. She would have told me.

Hmm.

Well, maybe she's just waiting for the right time

or, uh...

or...

Or what?

It's not yours.

Are you actually saying that to me?

As your father, it's ridiculous.

But as an ex-cop, I've got to consider all possibilities.

Her phone is right there. Let's check it for suspects.

I am not gonna do that.

So you'll just raise the kid as your own?

Oh, stop that.

Martina has nothing to hide.

So it won't hurt to look at it.

Fine. Just to shut you up.

Oh, David Connor.

Who's that? An old boyfriend?

Oh, for God's sake!

Yes.

"The other night was great.

Meet me at the hotel Friday at 9:00."

Mm.

In the cop business, we call that a clue.

What's going on?

Okay, look, let me first say that I love you.

I trust you completely,

but Dad and I went through your phone,

and it appears that you've been banging your ex-boyfriend

and are pregnant with his baby, so...

thoughts?

What's wrong with you?

David Connor texted you about meeting at a hotel.

Yes, because he wants me to check out the the venue

for his wedding to Marcus.

He's gay now.

We're going to his wedding next month.

I told you all about this.

Okay, wait. Were the Mets on when you were talking?

And did I nod and say, "Sounds good"?

- Yes. - Well, there you have it.

Oh, crap. Do we really have to go to a wedding?

Forget the wedding.

Why did you think I was pregnant?

Oh, right. Damn it. Somebody's still pregnant.

Look what I found in our kitchen.

- Our kitchen? - Yeah, of course our kitchen.

Why would I take a pregnancy test

from someone else's kitchen?

Okay, okay, let's not freak out

and jump to the logical and correct conclusion

that Stella's pregnant.

How do we do that?

Hold on. I'll think of something.

Got one.

The plumber dropped her pregnancy test

on the kitchen floor.

When's the last time you saw a female plumber?

- A woman can plumb. - This is not the time.

You're right.

Look, we need to confirm things with Stella,

and then we'll figure out what to do from there.

Is it too late for adoption?

It hasn't even been born yet.

I'm talking about Stella.

Here you go, Dad.

Oh, thanks, son.

Large popcorn with butter... just like our first date.

No, you had Sour Patch Kids.

Oh, yeah.

I love those tart little bastards.

Do you remember where we sat that night?

Of course I do.

Fifth row, center, best seats in the house...

my signature move.