American Pets

Did you get her?

Him.

Only males have antlers.

Did you get him?

We can always burn it down.

I'm not ready to leave yet.

He has to be gone.

He's eating all my bougainvillea.

You can start the breakfast now.

- Hi. - Hi.

We left the money on the kitchen counter.

Great, okay.

- If you ever wanna get rid of the polar bear,

let us know. - Yeah, sure.

Lani!

Lani.

- Who is it? - Your brother.

- Jesus Christ. - Turn your eyes away.

This is not for you.

Are you coming, or just him?

Would you kindly fuck off?

Come on, finish up.

Finish him up, wrap it up.

Ooh.

Did you brush your teeth?

How long's that been going on?

What?

Ooh.

Oh, oh!

- Okay, okay. - Ooh, oh.

You hired him.

Is he your boyfriend now?

Fiancé, actually.

Yes, we're very much in love.

Oh.

Does Judy know?

He's the house painter.

So?

So.

Don't be dumb.

Woo-woo!

Stiff competition.

Hi, Hallie.

Hey, Tod.

Hey.

Um, I'll text you when we're done, okay?

Good luck.

Terrible.

No, don't go to that side, why...

Hey-oh.

Hey.

Almost done.

So is she.

I think I found a buyer.

Judy asked me to find you a buyer.

- Can't you see I'm trying to watch?

It's on mute.

Is that what it is?

I thought maybe I was going deaf.

Chip?

Go to camera two.

Great show, Barb.

Loved every minute.

- Why do you think our ratings are such shit?

Do you ever look through that camera?

Huh?

Oh, you think that's funny?

You think it's, get out!

Joke's on you, babe.

Get out.

Out, out, now!

Take a walk.

All right, say what you wanna say.

Please, be my guest.

Say what you wanna say.

Speak!

Hi, Judy.

- What a day. - It looked intense.

Oh, it's a disaster.

Fucking disaster.

I'm just not me anymore.

Did you watch?

No, uh, I missed it.

I got stuck at the mechanic.

The car is worse off than we thought.

Ooh, great.

What about Lani?

Did she see it?

Uh, I, I don't know.

You'll have to ask the painter.

Meaning what?

- Use your imagination, lucky slip.

So she's fucking him.

You caught them, didn't you?

Tell me what you saw.

I wanna know what you actually saw.

Nothing.

- Fine, then I'll ask her myself.

Oh, please don't.

She won't trust me.

Well, she's not trustworthy.

Fucking the help.

He's a criminal, I might add.

Oh, they picked up the zebra.

I put the money in the lockbox.

- Poor animal, stuck in the corner for 30 years.

Coming up on the left

is the infamous Bridgehead Mansion,

former home of the late legendary director,

Igor O'Coolich.

You may remember Stone Henge

from a cinema appreciation class, if you had one.

Oh folks, through the gate is

looks like actress, Judy Mormon,

Igor's widow, who was wife number three.

She still lives here with his two grandchildren.

I think that looks like Tod at the wheel there,

in the driver's seat.

What a funny name, Tod.

Hey, expect the unexpected here on Buddy Fun Bus Tours,

am I right?

I told you it'd be an adventure.

And that was it.

I mean, you can't really call that an audition, can you?

Did Hallie scream?

Can we hear that?

- And then they actually did make us sign up

in our underwear.

Were you wearing any?

Yes.

Why wouldn't I be?

Hallie?

- You take your clothes off for the director

and the director only,

never for these casting directors.

To be successful in this business,

a girl must always have her standards.

What about you, Hallie?

Are you the same?

Strip down for any felon that stumbles in your way?

Uh, no.

No, I went out for a different part.

Ahh, excellent.

Keep 'em guessing.

Mystery is an actor's only friend.

You're not eating.

Why not?

Your sister's not eating.

She had a late lunch.

Liquid diet, right?

Okay, I have a speech or toast, whatever.

To Judy.

Oh!

- After a long week, she still...

Oh, look who it is.

Come here, please.

Aw, Jacob, are you working hard?

Or getting hard, I should say.

Isn't that what happens

when the old lady isn't around?

Pull down your pants.

I'm serious.

Pull them down.

I wanna see what I'm missing.

Okay, then.

I'm sorry, Jacob, but if you're not willing

to share the wealth,

unfortunately I cannot pay you.

Why can't you pay him?

Because that's how it works.

- But he did the work all week long.

On you, not my house.

What?

- Your big fucking mouth, that's what.

I figured it out.

- No, you didn't, that's bullshit.

That's enough.

Now, Jacob.

Jacob, hello.

You listening to me?

I'm all for rehabilitation but I will not

be taken advantage of.

He stole a car.

A couple.

Jesus Christ.

Tomorrow, when you arrive,

I'll let you know if you should continue.

- You can't be serious. - I am.

But that's not fair.

Ooh, Lani, I'm sorry.

He's being paid for a service,

not to waste time pleasing you.

Fortune cookie?

You will always be successful

in your professional career.

Ooh, you will inherit some money

or a small piece of land.

What about you.

Huh.

I should go.