Idiotsitter

No matter what the judge says, I got your boobs.

I got your boobs.

Honk. Honk.

Oh, stand.

Stand, stand.

Oh, we're sitting. Do we sit?

Before I read the verdict...

would the defendants like to address the court?

I would, Your Honor! That's too loud.

Okay. Proceed.

First and foremost-- Volume.

I am ready and willing...

to receive any punishment you see fit.

You are as wise as you are a... handsome woman.

Secondly, I think it should... Loud.

be noted that I have never been involved in any criminal...

activity and I have made an unbreakable pact with myself...

that I will never do it again.

Thirdly--

Okay, I'd like to say something that's very lawyer-y...

and doesn't suck.

Sorry, Billie.

Woman judge, police male.

Lady who keeps texting, it is so rude.

It's a stenographer.

I stand before you a changed woman.

I have never had a friend like the very butch woman...

who's standing beside me.

And we did this all in the name of friendship. Okay?

And if that is a crime, if that is a crime...

well, then I would strongly recommend the death penalty...

for Billie, thank you very much.

What did you just say? It's funny!

No, it isn't. You know, win 'em with charm!

Enough.

Wait! Your... handsome Honor--

I would like to beg for your pardon...

as I have recently received a position...

at a small liberal arts college, with which I intend to give...

back to the community.

I also foster several animals.

Oh, I can tell by the look on your face, that's a lie.

Okay, Your Honor, side bar?

I would also like to be pardoned...

because I plan on being a vel-ebrity.

Excuse me?

A viral celebrity.

I just have to shoot something that goes viral and then bam.

I've already sent my resume out to YouTube, the web, Europe...

the world wide web--

Okay-- The internet, Seeso--

Would you defendants please return to your seats?

So loud.

Okay.

Shit. I'm gonna vomit.

That's my Uncle Rico!

There's no way you're related to that man.

Hi, Uncle Rico! I've reached a verdict.

Not guilty on all charges.

Justice!

Right?

Welcome back, Billie.

Get out the way, bitch!

That's Professor Bitch to you.

Welcome to college, Gene.

Step aside, bitch.

Oh, it's Gene, not Mitch.

Sorry. I was just watching you read.

That's weird.

Books. Smells like home.

O-sexual, bisexual, try-sexual, I've been it all.

I'm looking to get vi-sexual, which is virally sexual.

Not like masturbating in chat rooms, or anything...

just like filming sex that goes wrong...

and throwing it on the 'Tube.

What's a chat room?

Good morning. Isn't it?

Gene?

Helen Hunt?

Oh, my gosh! Billie, it's you!

I thought for a second, and I almost said something...

that you were Helen Hunt. You did say something.

Oh, I should have gotten this whole chance encounter on video.

Can you go back and say hashtag viral--

What are you doing here?

I go here. What's up? They know me.

Like one time you go here, or you--

No, I'm like a student. Like, um-- oh here, like this.

"Books, books, books..."

Are you telling me that your dad got you into the college...

that I'm teaching at?

Oh, like I need Kent Russell to get me in.

Higher on the left!

Future Home of the--

Can't--

That could be a different dad.

If your dad thinks that I'm just going to take care of you...

he is sorely mistaken.

Gosh, you are obsessed with talking about my dad right now.

It's weird. Okay, look--

Sh-sh-shhh-- there's a cake-beef walking up.

Uh, hey, excuse me.

Do you guys know where the philosophy building is?

Oh, I think the gym's that way.

No, I was asking about the philosophy building.

I'm a mid-semester transfer. Today's my first day.

Me, too! Absolutely!

Um, yeah... I'd love to work out later.

Maybe.

Yeah. Oh, my gosh, he's into me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is the sorority rush?

College joke.

Okay, Gene, the last time I saw you...

you tried to get me the death penalty.

Billie, that was a courtroom gag between old pals.

Wait, wait! Okay, okay, look.

The judge made me decide between getting a job...

or going back to school.

So, now I'm trying the school... way.

I thought I'd go to the one you went to--

What are you saying?

'Cause I wanna hang out with you more.

You're mumbling.

So... where should I enroll your bag? College joke.

What are you doing? What?

Give it to me. That's my winter clothes!

That's my winter clothes! That's my winter clothes.

Don't you make fun of me. That's my--

Catch me, if you're my friend! No!

This can't be teacher housing.

What? You live in a bar?

You are so friggin' lucky. I bet it's haunted, too.

Ugh. You're totally gonna get murdered in the coolest way.

Shh!

Excuse me? Excuse me?

Hi, I'm looking for teacher housing...

and they gave me this address.

Is he blind?

Is it Dana?

Oh, uh, yeah, it's--

Dana's upstairs. Hang on.

Hey, where's my ing gum?

Who's he talking to? I don't know.

Never mind.

Gum was in his hand.

I'm Dev, by the by.

Oh, okay.

No, thank you.

I'd love to hear your story some time, you know.

I like to know the souls that haunt this habitat.

So there is ghosts?

I own the bar, but it's not mi pasion.

Hm.

Ten percent of the profits go to buy make-up...

for prostitutes in Calcutta.

I'm out. Holy sh--

Tap. Excuse me.

So Dana's up these stairs?

Dana?

Dana!

Whoa... it smells like a racquetball court, that's cool.

Aw, look at this!

Aw, you have a spatula that looks like fried eggs. Nice.

Why is there a Band-Aid on the clock?

Maybe 'cause it got a boo-boo. College ghost joke.

Hi. Jesus!

I'm Dana.

Dana? Uh-- you're a... guy.

I know. Sucks, right?

I hate it.

Why didn't you say something...

when we were talking in your apartment?

Oh, well, I'm sorry, I, uh...

I just didn't want to interrupt your experience.

I love your wig. No, it's my hair.

Um, I'm sorry, I, uh--

I didn't realize teacher housing would be above a bar...

with a guy.

Whoa, I'm a pretty staunch feminist...

and a gender studies professor...

so I don't love the ochre of this conversation.

This is great stuff.

Stop it, stop it.

I want you to know, I respect you...

and that's why I got you a "welcome" t-shirt.

On your bed, that's your bed.

Oh... nice of you, I guess.

Oh. Mm.

"Enough."

Mm-hm. Every woman in my life has one.

Hey, Billie, can I keep this...

'cause it looks sexy on my body?

What are you doing? It looks right for my body.

No, mine. Is this is a dashiki?

Yes, it's my dashiki.

It looks good on my physique. You've taken this before.

This looks sexy on my body! Stop it!

Stop taking my things!

I'm sorry, I think I just--

I need a moment to myself, please.